89. LXXXIX.
A REMARKABLE DREAM. — A COUNTRY SETTLED
EXCLUSIVELY BY DEMOCRATS.
Washington, December 1, 1865.
Last nite I wuz the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't
quit this explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall
become a second Saint John. Ef so, I make no doubt my
revelations will be uv a remarkably startlin character.
Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered
they possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the
whole figger. They had forced the South into the humiliashen
uv allowin niggers to testify, and in the Northern states had
given em the elective franchise. Uv course the educated and
refined Democrasy wood never consent to be carried up to the
polls alongside uv a nigger — uv course no Democratic offisseeker
wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a
election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with
a nigger, onless he pays for it.
Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the
heft uv the Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to
some land where the Anglo-Sackson cood rool, — where there
was no mixter of the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the
country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid
column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The
peeple on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv
joy, and from every house hung banners, with inscriptions onto
em, sich ez, —
“Now is our hen-roosts safe!”
“Canada on its way to Mexico!”
“Poor Mexico — we bewail thy fate!”
Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv
Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath
the piller uv smoke by day.
On our arrival to Mexico, the natives uv that country, struck
probably with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our
countenances, hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons,
and hosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz
a compliment to us that them ez hadn't ennything remained.
Finally we reached a plain, where we decided to remain, and,
uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a guverment.
Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv Noo York, wuz chosen viva
voce, ez President, and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered
to him, wich wuz to be dun by the oldest Justis uv the
Peece uv the late state uv Noo Jersey, which hez committed
sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood — there wuzn't a Bible
to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got
over by a New York Alderman yellin out, “Never mind the
oath. What's the yoose uv any oath he takes?” So he wuz
declared President.
Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize the military. He
requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army uv the
United States to step forerd three paces. Gens. Micklelan,
Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, and Slocum stept forerd, and with em
some 4000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters' commissions
and whose accounts, “just afore the battle, mother,”
didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who
hed bin dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired
to see em in the front, and who consekently considered
it a d—d Ablishun war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.
Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army,
he axed all them who hed bin in the service as privates to step
forerd. 20,000 obeyed, and the President asked the fust one
where he enlisted, who ansered ez follows: —
“At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1000; and at Philadelphia,
April 14, 1864, bounty $700; and at Pittsburg, April
16, 1864, bounty $800; and at Cincinnati, April 19, 1864,
bounty $400; and at —”
“Enough,” said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and
seein all the faces were uv the same style and expression, he
asked no more uv em any questions.
Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he
desired all who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd.
Twenty-one stept out and desired to explain. They cood
not say that they were just now in full connection with any
church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods
and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in hoss
tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and
silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but —
The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood
read to step out. About one half ansered, and then he requestid
sich uv this number ez cood be prevailed upon to
accept a small office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step
out agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation, every
one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. Immejitly
there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously
that there wuz nothin fair about that arrangement. They
never knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold
office in the Democratic party, and they'd never stand that,
and they all stepped out.
Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some
fucher time.
The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The
President requested them ez preferred to foller mechanikle
employments to step out: Sum thirty advanced. Them ez
preferred farmin: About fifty stept out. Them ez expected
to run small groceries:
There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety-eight
per cent. uv all — ceptin the officers and preachers —
sprung to the front, but when they saw ther strength, their
faces turned white. “Good Lord!” whispered they; “we
can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the
officers and preachers!”
The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all
mite start alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not
wuth while to bother about a division.
Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another,
“O, for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we left!” “I cood, at
hum, live off my Ablishn nabers.” “There wuz rich men in
our ward, but ez we hed the majority, they paid taxes, which
we spent!” “Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough to
hev enough uv em to tax!” and ez wun man, they resolved to
return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up
awoke me.
There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez
I hev sighed for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes,
when our party wuz successful, and bid fair to be so
permanently, wondered what we would do with the Treasury
ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the other
party nurse it into pickin condition for us.
I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic
community.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
