University of Virginia Library

145. CXLV.
MR. NASBY DREAMS A DREAM.

[1] Last nite I received a letter from Deekin Pogram, in wich
he desired me to ascertain whether or no there wuz eny
bottom to the Northern Dimocrisy. Captain McPelter sed the
Northern Dimocrisy wus strong enuff to carry us uv Kentucky
throo, while Pollock, the Illinoyer, swore the Northern Dimocrisy
hed a considerable more to do to carry themselves than
they hed bin able to accomplish for some time — that in a
pullin match a corpse wuzn't uv much akkount, ef it wuz a big
one. With this letter in my hand I fell asleep, and dreemed.

Methawt I wuz in Noo Orleans at a gatherin uv the Faithful,

who wuz called together for the purpose of considrin wat to
do. Sum few wuz in favor uv submission, and hed got the
majority uv the Southern people to agree with em that ther
wuz no yoose uv further resistance, and they wuz jist about to
so declare, when Vallandigham, Ben Wood, Toucey, Morrissey,
Voorhees, and a score or two more uv that kind, rushed in and
begged uv em to hold out. “Why submit?” sed Vallandigham.
“We'll sustain yoo. Northern Dimocrisy is a giant
wich kin yet pertect yoo. He's in his prime, and strong enuff
yit to carry yoo throo twice the troubles wich threatens yoo.
Depend onto us — we'll carry yoo.”

And the Southerners whopped over to their side and yelled
fiercely, “No submission!” and immejitly the entire bilin uv
em startid North with these men, to ascertain the strength and
carryin capacity uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Methawt the
party travelled until they come to a vast plain in Kentucky,
onto wich wuz extendid the prostrate form uv a Giant. It
was a Giant, immense in statoo, but emaciated to the last
degree. His limbs hed bin strong, his teeth terrible, and his
trunk massive; but it wuz plane to see that he wuz pegged
out, and a look at its face showed why it wuz so. Dissipation
had redoost him to helplessnis. His face wuz bloatid and bloo,
his eyes wuz sot and ghastly, his chest was holler and sunken,
his legs like pipe-stems, and ulcers, boils, sores, broozes, and
contooshens kivered him from head to foot, and he drawd his
breath with a effort.

He lay a groanin and a groanin. Randall wuz a tenderly
feedin him out uv a huge bottle, labelled “Appintments,”
which appeared to give him temprary strength; but the effect
of that wuz lost by President Johnson's dosin him with an
offensiv smellin mixter, labelled “Policy,” every swaller uv
wich wood throw him into a spasm. Governor English was
rubbin one arm with a liniment Randall gave him, and hed
succeeded in gittin up a little circulation in it.

“Wat is this?” askt the Southerners.

“Northern Dimocrisy!” sed English, rubbin away vigrously.

“Is this the Giant which is to carry us?” said the Southern
gentleman, viewin the disgustin objict doubtfully.

“Certainly!” sed Johnson. “Now can't you git up?” sed

he to the prostrate bein, givin it a very large swaller out uv
his bottle. The Giant made an effort, but flopped down agin
like a dish-rag.

“Gentlemen!” sed Vallandigham, “we shel hev to call upon
you to assist in settin him onto his feet, and then it'll be all rite
with him. He's bin this way afore.”

Accordingly, the Southerners gathered around him to lift
him up. His arms, I notist, wuz marked respectively Connecticut
and Delaware, and his legs Maryland and Kentucky, and
in them there wuz strength, for ez soon ez the innocent Southerners
got near enuff he wrapped them limbs around em, and
sed, “Lift!”

“We can't,” sed they.

“Yoo must,” sed he; “I got into this condishen fightin yoor
battles, and doin yoor work. I was strong and vigorous until
I got to runnin after yoor harlots; and for yoor sake I wuz
druv out uv my native States into this accussid region. Yoo
must carry me wat time I hev yet to live. Hist me!”

Those caught coodent get away, and the others generously
come to ther aid, and makin a terrible effort, they raised the
half-dead bein onto their shoulders, holdin their noses meanwhile,
and prepared to start. Es the percession wuz about to
move, Vallandigham remarked, “Stop a minit, gentlemen!”
and, loaded ez he wuz with his war record, he clambered up
ther shoulders and took a seat on the carkiss. Voorhees, jist
ez badly encumbered, did likewise, and so did the Woods, and
Bookannan, Seymour, Toucey, and a hundred or so more, the
unfortunit bearers sweatin under this addishnal load.

“Is all ready?” sed they.

“One moment!” sed Johnson, and him, and Randall, and
Seward climbed up.

This wuz the last feather. The bearers mite hev staggered
off under the carkiss, and them wich climbed onto it first, but
this last addishn to ther burden wuz friteful. It finisht em.
Groanin under the weight, they swayed like a leaf in the
wind, — like a majestic tree jist about to fall. They struggled
a minit to maintain themselves — but in vain. A breef struggle
— a desprit gasp — they give up, and ther knees doublin
up, the whole concern come to the earth with a squashin sound,

and the half-decomposed mass sorter fell apart. Raymond and
Thurlow Weed, wich hed bin hangin round, got out from under
jist in time to save theirselves. The Southerners got out
from under the putrid mass, tho almost smothered by the
stench. Vallandigham and that class made lite uv it, ez they
had bin around it. It staggered Johnson some, but he hed
bin accustomed to suthin approximatin very closely to it in
the old times, and it didn't serously affect him; but poor
Randall, Seward, and Welles were smothered, and died.

I wuz tryin to pull Randall's corpse out, when the effort
I wuz makin awoke me.

I ain't altogether certain but that that dream means suthin.
When I think of it, it is rather preposterous for us to hope the
Northern Dimocracy will carry us, when they can't carry a
single State uv their own; jist about ez preposterous ez it is
for them to look to us for help, when all uv us ez wood jine
em hevn't got a vote. Pollock's remark, — “In a pullin match,
a corpse ain't of muck akkount, even ef it is a big one,” —
weighs onto my mind. Suthin can't come out uv nothin;
tho ez in the case uv Seward, nothin may come out uv suthin.
Ef we cood git — but, pshaw! we can't. Thank the Lord, we
kin hold the Post offises two years yit.