129. CXXIX.
MR. NASBY ESSAYS A SERMON, BUT IS INTERRUPTED
BY A NIGGER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Janooary 10, 1867.
[1]
I wuz rekested a week ago to preech a discourse from the
text wich the noble and high-minded Guvner Bramlette used
with sich crushin force in his last annual message, to wit:
“Kin the Leopard change his spots, or the Ethiopian his skin?”
and alluz feelin anxious to do wat I kin for the cause, I did it
last nite, or rather essayed to do it.
And here let me remark, that there ain't a more devoted
people in Kentucky than them lambs ez compose my flock. It
wuz a tetchin site, and one wich filled my sole with joy, to see
em pour out uv the groceries at the first tootin uv the horn,
and to see Pennebacker, wich owns the Distillery, stoppin
work to come; but the most cheerin and encouragin sign to me
wuz to see Deekin Pogram, who wuz playin seven-up for the
drinks with Elder Slathers, at Bascom's, lay down his hand
when he hed high low and jack in it, and hed only three to go.
“Elder,” sed he, his voice tremblin at the sacrifice he wuz a
makin, and a tear steelin down his cheek, “Elder, them's the
horn. Let us to our dooties. 'Ligion must take the front seat
uv temp'ral matters,” and, sighin ez he cast a partin glance at
his hand, he strode out resolootly to the sanktooary.
I opened by readin the follerin from Guvner Bramlette's
message:—
“`The nigger is the inferior uv the white — he lacks the
power to rise. Ontil the Leopard kin change his spots, or the
Ethiopian his skin, all efforts to repeal or nullify God's laws
will be unavailin.”
“My bretherin, these words is words uv wisdom, and fur
em let us be thankful. The skin uv the Ethiopian wuz inflicted
onto him for the express purpose uv distingishin him
from his bretherin, whose servants he wuz condemned to be,
for all time, ez a punishment for the sin uv Cain or the improodence
uv Ham, wich, Democratic divines heven't settled
on. With the black skin he wuz given all the other marks uv
inferiority. He wuz cust with long arms, immense hands, flat
nose, and bowed legs, and that ther mite be no mistake in the
matter, he wuz given wool instead uv hair. Halleloogy! Wat
a blessid thing for us is this Ethiopian! Wat a consolation it
must be to yoo all to know that ther is a race below yoo, and
how blessid the refleckshun that they can't change ther skin,
and by that means git above yoo! That's the comfort we
draw from the skripters. Wat a horror it wood be for Deekin
Pogram, snorin so peacefly, ef when the Soopreme Court decides
the Ablishn amendment unconstooshnl, and he gits his niggers
back agin; ef ther shood be a new dispensashun, and niggers
shood be permitted to change ther skins! Wat sekoority wood
we hev for our property? Some mornin he'd wake up and
find em all white persons, wich it wood be unconstooshnel to
wollop.
“My brethern, ther has bin many efforts to change the skin
uv the Ethiopian, or rather ther hez bin many who wanted to.
The Boston Ablishnists hev tried it, but wat hez bin the
result? Ain't they niggers yit, and ain't they still the degraded
wretches they alluz wuz? I paws for a reply.”
I made this latter remark becoz it sounded well, not that I
hed any idee that anybody wood reply. Imagine my surprise
at seein a gray-headed nigger, wich hed bin, doorin and after
the fratrisidle struggle, employed in the Freedman's Burow,
rise, and remark that he hed a word to say onto that pint.
There wuz a storm uv indignashun, and the impudent nigger,
who wuz so sassy ez to presoom to speak in a white meetin,
wood hev bin sacrificed on the spot, hed not Joe Bigler, who
wuz half drunk, drawd a ugly-lookin navy revolver, and remarkin
that he knowd that nigger, that he hed more sense
than the hull bilin uv us, and he shood hev his say.
“Ef,” sed this recklis Joe, “ef he beats yoo, Perfesser,
trooth is trooth; let's hev it. Ef he don't, why, it's all the
better for yoo. Ef yoor Websterian intelleck kivers the
ground, all rite; ef his ponderous intellek gets the best on't,
jist ez rite. `Out uv the mouths uv babes and sucklins.'
Elder, I go my bottom dollar on this sucklin. Speak up,
venerable: there won't none uv em tech yoo;” and he cockt
his revolver.
“Beggin pardon,” sed the nigger, “I agree with yoo, Perfesser,
that the Ethiopian can't change his skin hisself, but does
the Scripter say that it can't be changed for him?”
“Anser the venrable babe,” sed Joe Bigler, pintin his revolver
at me.
“I can't say that it does,” sez I.
“Very good,” retorted the nigger, “hezn't there a change
bin a goin on in Kaintuck from the beginnin? My mother wuz
ez black ez a crow — I'm considble lighter — my wife's a half
lighter than I am — my gal's children is a half lighter than
their mother, and I want to know wat Guvner Bramlette's got
to say to that. The white man ain't got no cuss onto him,
hez he?”
“Speek up, Perfesser — the sucklin wants yoo to be prompt,”
sed Joe Bigler.
I answered that “he hed not — that it wuz piled onto Ham
or Cain and ther desendants, and nobody else.”
“Very well, then,” sed the nigger, “ez I am only half Ham
or Cain, then uv course there's only half a cuss onto me, only
a quarter onto my wife, only an eighth onto my daughters,
only a sixteenth onto my daughters' children, and there's lots
uv niggers in this yer visinity wat hezn't got the thirty-second
or the sixty-fourth part uv it hangin to em. Guvner Bramlette
also sed suthin bout niggers bein degraded coz twuz
their nacher, didn't he, and that edducashen woodent do
for em?”
“Perfesser,” sed the tormentin Bigler, wich hed just whisky
enuff into him to be ugly, “I must remind you that the partikeler
babe and sucklin, out uv whose mouth yoor bein
immensely condemned, expex prompt ansers.”
I ansered that sich wuz the tenor uv the Guvner's remarks.
“Ef that's troo, why don't the mulattoes come up faster?
Ef it's the nateral stoopidity uv the nigger, the white man
ain't affected by it, and the mulatto only half. I am 'quainted
with the heft uv the people afore me, and I'll bet my last
year's wages, wich Deekin Pogram ain't paid yit, that half uv
em can't read any mor'n I kin. 'Pears to me I'd like to hev
Guvner Bramlette take the load off us for a year or two and
see whether we'd rise or not. We moutn't and then agin we
mout. But I ruther think its a leetle too much to put a millstone
on top uv a man and then kick him for not gettin up.”
“Bully!” sed Joe Bigler. “Go on! go on!”
“It ain't square playin to make laws agin our risin, to flog
us for hevin spellin-books, to make it a penitentiary offence to
learn to read, and to burn our skool-houses, and then because
we ain't just ready to enter college, to insist on't that we are
naterally incapable. And above all, ain't it presoomin a little
to charge it onto the Lord? Ain't yoo mistakin yoor own
work for hizzen? 'Praps ef Guvner Bramlette's father hed
bin flogg'd for wantin to learn to read, and Guvner Bramlette's
mother hed bin brought up ez a feeld hand, and the same
strategy hed bin practised on Guvner Bramlette's grandfather,
and great grandfather, and great, great grandfather, and great,
great, great grandfather, and his great —”
“Hold on, venerable,” sed Joe Bilger, “don't enumerate.
Jest say his ancestors, back to the identicle time they wuz
slaves to them Normans, wich held his projenitors jist ez
closely ez yoo've bin held, and it'll be suffishent.”
“I plead guilty to the big hands, flat nose, and bowd legs.
Possibly the first nigger hed em — possibly not. Ef Guvner
Bramlette's ancestors hed bin kept at the hoe, his hands wood
hev bin ez big ez mine; ef they'd borne burdens forever his
legs wood be bowed, and ef ther noses hed bin perpetooally
smasht hizzen wood be flatter than it is.”
“Hev yoo eny more questions to put to the Perfesser?”
sed Joseph.
“No,” replied the Ethiopian, “I hev sed my say.”
“Then,” sed this Bigler, “I dismiss this congregashun, with
this remark, that that nigger is under my protectin care, and
ef a single lock uv his wool is disturbed, I shel feel it a sollum
but painful dooty devolvin upon me, to put a ball into the carcass
uv each uv the offishls uv this Church, commencin with
the Paster, and continuin all the way down to the scribe.
Git!”
And pell-mell the congregashen piled out — one over
another.
It will be necessary to dispose of Joe Bigler somehow. He
lost wat property he hed in the war, and is becoming exceedinly
loose in his talk. He can't be tolerated long.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
