111. CXI.
REWARD OF VIRTUE. — THE VIRTUOUS PATRIOT
SECURES HIS LOAF. — JOLLIFICATION.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
August 12, 1866.
At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips
to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I
hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit × Roads, and
am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any
doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the
Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch
myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years
ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I
doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am
reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal
soldier, and appoint sich a man ez ME, must be above suspicion.
I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler
from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:
—
1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in
all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter
do?
2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be
a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and
devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid
country?
3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle,
Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest,
and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men
that this country hez ever prodoost?
4. Do yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved
in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and
the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?
5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?
6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin
states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power
by a secshnal Congris?
7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that
(eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel
and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin
salaries?
8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses
wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv
them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and
besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens
uv those properly reconstructed cities?
9. Are yoo not satisfied that the Afrikin citizens uv Amerikin
descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal
law wich governs labor and capital?
10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv
yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable
Congrismen in the disloyal states North?
To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went
afore a Justis uv the Peace an took an affidavit to em, forwarded
it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.
There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread
rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich
another spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.
The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in
the wildest state uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated
each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President
to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families
were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and tother a female,
wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers: —
Two grocery keepers with bottles.
Deekin Pogram.
Me, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it
written, “In this Sign we Conker.”
Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards,
Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a
banner inscribed, “The Nigger where he oughter be.”
Citizen with bottle.
Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin
a wench. Banner: “We've Regained our Rites.”
Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.
Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out
by the way side.
Citizens, two and two, with bottles.
Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool,
in a state uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich
hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: “My Policy.”
The perceshun mooved to the meetin house, and Deekin
Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to-wunst organized.
The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv
his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed
[ILLUSTRATION]
PROCESSION AT CONFEDRIT X ROADS. Page 302.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. A large parade of people carrying
various signs with anti-African American, pro-slavery
sentiments.]
friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so
conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the
coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz
aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that there
wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv
nine dollars and sixty-two cents (“Hear! hear!”) wich he hed
loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed
him well, or larned to love him. But there wuz anuther reason
why he met to rejoice to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson
meant biznis; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and
that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl
thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies,
and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his
friends — them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein
put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners
the little sums he owes them is a good thing (“Hear!” “Hear!”
“Troo!” “Troo!” with singular unanimity from every man in
the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared
to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? (“A
d—d site!” shouted one grocery keeper, and “We don't want
no moral effect!” cried another.) My friends, when the news
uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the
price uv Confederit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers
will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider
ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun
I count ez good ez done.
Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered
with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only
newspaper wich come to that offis hed passed thro' the polluted
hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the
misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long
ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains.
Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed,
the second Jaxson hez risen, and struck off the shackles. He
wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that
he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood
be paid out uv the first money —
Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the
Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk
sich talk. No man cood feel a more heart-felt satisfaction at
the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it
did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he
dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in
his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his
licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first
dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never —
The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram
rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:
—
Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner,
relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted
by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a
sound constooshnel Demokrat — one whom to know is to lend;
therefore, be it
Resolved, That we greet the President, and ashoor him uv
our continyood support and confidence.
Resolved, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction,
so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we
feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations
with the federal government.
Resolved, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy
uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and
niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white
men shel rule America.
Resolved, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government
for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin
anybody.
The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with
three cheers for Johnson and his policy.
Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there
with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three
months. Kindness of heart is a weakness uv mine, and I signed
em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do
em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little
labor required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away
happy.
[ILLUSTRATION]
NASBY'S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. A man leaning back in a chair with
his feet up on a desk; he is smoking a cigar; a bottle of liquor and a
glass is on the table.]
The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.
“Am I awake, or am I dreamin?” thought I. No, no! it is
no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is
the commishun! It is troo! it is troo!
I heerd a child, across the way, singin, —
“I'd like to be a angel,
And with the angels stand.”
I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel,
even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys
within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will
stand without bustin. A angel forsooth!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
