121. CXXI.
“WILL YOU HAVE ANDREW JOHNSON PRESIDENT
OR KING?” — A DREAM, IN WHICH ANDREW
JOHNSON FIGURES AS A KING, SURROUNDED BY
HIS NOBLES.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
October 24, 1866.
Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and
speritooal nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther ain't anything
gross or sensual about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork,
but that is to offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn't
counteracted, wood make me entirely too ethereal for this
grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant imaginashun,
and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'l
life — to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a
Postmaster. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun — pork
brings me back agin. It's fat and greasy, like the pay and
perquisites uv the Postmaster — it comes from the most nasty,
senseless, and unclean uv animals, like our commishuns — in
short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat pork.
It's ther nateral diet.
Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a
consekence, didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin
my lips with Looisville consolation the while), I wuz a musin
onto Seward's question, whether they wood hev Johnson President
or King, and while musin I fell into the arms uv Morfus.
My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to
slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory,
widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly
upholstered in gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied
into thousands uv gorgus chandileers, the portraits uv His
Highness the President, and the other Democrats on the wall,
became alive. I comprehended the situation to-wunst. Androo
Johnson had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's
sword, and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion.
He was King, and wuz reignin under the title uv
Androo the I., and I wuz (in my dream uv course) in his
kingly halls.
It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness
wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered with red velvet,
and studded with diamonds, and pearls, and onyxs, and other
precious stones — onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz
enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance
uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a thunder
cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis
uv a footstool, wuz Charles Summer, wunst Senator, wich wuz
typikle uv the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies;
while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade,
Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the
change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They wuz clothed in
a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and presented a
pekoolyerly imposin appearance.
Carriages containin the nobility began to arrive, and ez they
entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the
Markis von Randall, announct em. “Dook de Davis!” was
ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. “Earl von Toombs,” “Sir
Joseph E. Johnston,” “Markis de Boregard,” “Count de
Pollard,” and so forth.
Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to
Southern men, I asked Giddy Wells, who wuz standin by, why
it wuz thus, and he sed that Northerners wuzn't reely fit for it.
We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves
to the habits uv nobility. The South wuz chivelrus,
and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich —
they hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a
sword without its gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern
men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to bask in the
smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted their
capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the royal poultry
yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire satisfaction
uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens
a settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two
years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh
eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility,
and one wich weighed upon him. Seward wuz privy
counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the household, and Thurlow
Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very
well indeed.
By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in
a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the
nobility gathered in a corner, and after a earnest interview uv
a minnit, Count Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne,
and on bendid knee demanded a boon.
“What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?” sed
His Highness.
“We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot
into the presence, that we may make merry over em.”
“It shel be done,” sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von
Steedman, who hed command uv the King's Household Body
Guard, wuz sent for them. In a moment they wuz brot in.
They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips
wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, Dick
Yates and Governor Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly
and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose
back wuz a placard, inscribed, “The last uv the Tribunes;” at
wich Raymond, who left the Radikles and declared for the
empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor of
the
Court Journal, laffed immodritly. Some one exclaimed,
“Bring in Thad Stevens!” at wich His Majesty turned pale,
and his knees smote together. “Don't, don't!” sez he; “he's
strength enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep
him away!” and he showed ez much fear ez men do in delirum
tremens when they see snakes.
Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin
satisfactory. General Grant wuz in exile, and General Sheridan
hed bin decapitatid for refoosin to acquiesce in the new
arrangement. The country hed bin divided into dookdoms and
earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobility rooled with undispooted
authority. The principal men uv the North hed been
capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the
palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered
himself well served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen
in his house, while the higher grade uv nobility
wuzn't content with anythin less than Guvners. The indebtedness
uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A decree
hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who
shood press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and
his goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin
settled forever, for the Democratic ijee uv one class to serve
and one class to be served wuz fully establisht. There wuz
now three classes uv society, the hereditary nobility, the
untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black and white,
wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done
by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the
native born people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility,
desirin to make it easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx
uv the soil, reservin the balance for their own uses.
My dream didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain
whether I wuz a nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that
I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into General
Butler to make him roar for the amoozement of the company,
addressed me ez “Yoor Grace,” from which I inferred that I
wuz one of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this pint I
awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished,
the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and
jewels and sich wuz gone, and I wuz in my offis, not “Yoor
Grace,” but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village!
Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman? He don't
work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat
soots me better — whisky fresh from the still. Yet my dream
may be realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position
with credit. Who knows?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
