160. CLX.
POLLOCK VS. BIGLER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 2, 1868.
The Corners is continyooally eggsited. Scarcely does one
fever git herself allayed afore another is set agoin, and the
result is the community is kept a bilen perpetooally. Pertickelerly
does this occur when Bascom runs short. His barrels
contain the troo oil wich flows onto the troubled waters uv
our passions, and when them is out, there's a minatoor Tophet
to-wunst.
The last excitement wuz probably the most pekoolyer that
ever happened to enny people, tho it wuz nothin more than
cood be expected to grow out uv the altered relashens uv the
races to each other. It wuz one uv the legacies left us by the
tyrant Linkin, and by no meens the least uv em.
Under the old patriarkle system, it wuz the custom uv the
niggers to go by the name uv their trooly patriarkle masters,
wich wuz nessary, and not only nessary, but proper. Onto
every plantashen ther wood be Ceesers, Hannibals, and Pompeys,
and the only way to distinguish em wuz to call em Ceeser
Pogram, Hannibal Gavitt, et settry. This ansered very
well ez long ez they wuz in a state uv skriptooral servitood;
indeed, the proud Caucashen masters rather liked it, ez the
frekency with wich their names wuz called indikated the extent
uv their possessions. But sence these cusses hev sot up for
themselves, it ain't so pleasant. Now that they kin own property
and perform all the functions uv men, the same ez eny one
else, it hez become distasteful to the Corners. It is a singular
fact that the Corners hez diskivered, since the niggers wuz set
free, suthin they never knowd afore, to-wit: The niggers hez
an odor unlike the white. When they wuz slaves, and used to
nuss em and play with em, and wait on em, and sich, this odor
wuz not perceptible. It hez developed sence emancipashen.
Jes so with ther names. In ther normal condishen it wuz
well — sence, it's a degredashun wich the Corners won't brook,
no how.
Deekin Pogram and Issaker Gavitt pertikelerly chafed under
it. They mourned and lost flesh under the inflickshen. “To
think,” sed the Deekin, “uv a hundred free niggers bearin the
honored name uv Pogram!” “To think,” syed Issaker Gavitt,
“uv a hundred niggers bearin the illustrus name uv Gavitt!”
And so they petishened the Legislacher at Frankfort to
releeve em, by passin a law perhibitin niggers from bearin the
name uv white men wich wuz their former masters. The fact
leeked out, and this imbrolyo wuz the result.
Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, wich is a disturber, immejitly
sood Joe Bigler for a store debt, and hed him hauled up
afore Squire Punt. Joe immejitly subpœnaed all the citizens
uv the Corners ez witnesses, and hed em all in the Court room.
“Come,” sed Deekin Pogram, “sware me and let me go. I
don't know nothin about this matter anyhow.”
“Not yit,” sed Bigler; “I hev other testimony wich I shel
put in. Mr. Constable, call Hannible Pogram.” The Deekin
started ez ef he hed bin shot.
“And ez we kin save the valyooable time uv this court by
swearin uv em in a lump, yoo may call also Pompey Pogram,
Joolius Pogram, Ceeser Pogram, George Washington Pogram
(so named becoz, like the first G. W., he coodent tell a lie, wich
is proof concloosive that he is a pure black, and haint got no
Pogram blood in his vaines), Mellissy Pogram, Abslum Pogram,
Cleopatra Pogram, Paul Pogram, Marie Antynett Pogram,
Bonaparte Pogram, Charles Wesley Pogram, Abel Jackson
Po—”
“Wat does this mean?” shreeked the Deekin, ez they filed
into the court room. “Wat do yoo mean by bringin into this
yer court all these d—d niggers?”
“Wat do I mean? Wat difference is it to yoo? They'r
my witnesses — by these intelligent freemen I perpose to prove
that yer Pollock a perjered villain and a most unconshunable
swindler.”
And he grinned at Pollock, who winked wickedly at him in
return.
“And I,” sed Pollock, “to save time, mite ez well hev my
witnesses swore. Issaker Gavitt, stand up.”
Issaker arose.
“Now, Mr. Constable, call Pompey Gavitt, Melindy Gavitt,
Augustus Gavitt, Petronella Gavitt, Lycurgus Gavitt, Abslum
Gavitt, Moses Gavitt, Jefferson Gavitt, Adam Gavitt, Martha
Washington Gavitt, Parker Gav—”
“Am I to be swore with all these niggers,” roared Issaker,
red in the face.
“Reely,” sed Square Punt, “I can't permit this.”
“But yoo must,” sed Bigler. “Ez desprit a wretch ez is
this Pollock, ez deeply ez hez wronged me, ez much ez I loath,
hate, and despise him, he shel hev fair play in a court uv
justis. Even shood he beet me and crush me neath his iron
heel, I insist that he shel hev his rites. But the Square hed
better swear mine first.”
And ez they generally don't like trouble with Bigler, the
Square, pale ez a gost, for he didn't know wat wuz comin,
swore the pile.
“Now,” sed Bigler, “Ceeser Pogram, stand up. Ceeser, do
yoo know the nacher uv an oath?”
“Yes, sah.”
“Who wuz yoor father, Ceeser?”
“Don't know, sah.”
“Is yoor mother in the room, and hez she bin sworn?”
“Yes, sah.”
“You may set down for the present. Will Melissy Pogram
arise?”
The wench got up.
“Now, Melissy, state to the court the paternity uv yoor
son?”
“I object,” shreeked the Deekin. “What hez that to do
with yoor owin Pollock a store debt?”
“Is this yoor case?” retorted Bigler. “Are yoo defendant
or plaintiff herein? Melissy, anser. No, Melissy, on second
thots, to spare the blushes uv the Deekin — to cast the mantle
uv oblivion over the peccadilloes uv his yooth — yoo needent
anser. Do yoo want to cross-examine the witness, Mr.
Pollock?”
“No!” returned he.
“Lycurgus Gavitt, stand up. Wat rite hev yoo to bear the
name uv Gavitt?”
“It wuz my fadder's name.”
“To wich pertikeler Gavitt do yoo allood?”
“The lately deceased Elder.”
“Then yoo are half-brother to Issaker?”
“I is.”
“Yoo may sit down. I will state to the court the objict uv
these questions, which, without explanashen, may appear irrelevant.
Mr. Bigler and I agreed unanimously ez to how this
soot should be conducted. Niggers alone knowd the coz uv
difference that unfortnitly ariz between us, and knowing that
the pure African wuz unworthy uv beleef, we determined to
yoose only sich ez cood show indisputable descent from good,
trustworthy, Caucashen citizens. Hence this preliminary eggsaminashen.
We hev here the niggers uv mixed blood from
every plantashen in the naberhood, and we shel reject all who
can't show mixt blood. Their evidence must be taken, for to
doubt the word uv the sons and daughters uv sich men wood
be the heighth uv presumpshen, and an insult wich they
wood be justified in resentin.”
“Certinly,” sed Bigler, “and let's git at it. Bonaparte
Pogram, stand up.”
“Hold,” shriekt the Deekin, observin that Mrs. Pogram hed
just stept into the room; “how much is at ishoo in this yer
soot?”
“Ninety-one cents and the costs that hev acrood,” sed
Pollock.
“I'll pay it,” remarkt the Deekin, nervously, “ruther than
hev this farce go on. Don't call no more uv em — don't.
Here's the money.”
“It can't be,” sed Bigler; “I'm bound to crush that Pollock.”
“Don't perceed — don't,” yelled Punt, McPelter, and every
other white man in the room, ez they notist their wives droppin
in one by one, “it's reelly too small a matter — reelly
it is.”
“Well,” sed Bigler, “ez there appears to be sich a yoonanimus
desire therefor, I hev no objeckshen, on them terms, to
forgive Pollock;” and the cusses embraced in open court, while
the Deekin, McPelter, and the rest uv em wuz a payin the
niggers their witness fees.
Ez they wuz a leavin the Court Room, Bigler sung out, —
“Deekin, ef yoo send on that petishen to Frankfort, I shel
send on a protest, provin that evry one uv the niggers
who bear yoor name hev a nateral rite to it. Let it alone,
Deekin. Ef the niggers kin stand the name, yoo ought not
to object.”
And he and Pollock rolled off together, laffin vociferously.
It was a plot atween em to annoy the Corners. Wood, O, wood
that we cood be delivered from em!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
