University of Virginia Library

138. CXXXVIII.
THE RUSSIAN PURCHASE.

[1] It's done! Seward did it — him and me! The American
Eagle hez coz now to screem with redoubled energy. Ef the
Nashnel bird wuz a angel, I shood remark to it, “Toon yoor
harp anoo;” but it ain't, and therefore sich a rekest wood
be ridiculous. This rapsody hez refrence to the Rooshen
purchis.

The idea originatid in these massive intelleck. When I wuz
here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz a crowdin the sainted
Johnson for a mishun. Cowan wantid a mishun, and so did
Doolittle; and that day pretty much all uv the delegates to the
Cleveland and Philadelphy Convenshens had bin there, wantin
some kind uv a place; wat, they wuzn't pertikeler. One gentleman,
whose nose (wich trooly blossomed as the lobster) betokened
long service in the party, urged that he hed bin a

delegate to both Convenshens. “Thank God!” sed Johnson.
“Wood that both them Convenshens hed bin made up uv the
same men. I wood then hev bin bored for places only half ez
much ez I am.”

I wuz a helpin him out in my weak way. When the crowd
wantin places become too great for human endoorance, I wood
say, in a modrit tone, “Let's go out and git suthin;” and
to-wunst fully half wood exclaim, “Thank yoo, I don't keer if
I do!” It wuz a great relief to Johnson, but wuz pizen on
me. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxiety, and solissitood
in the gittin uv offises and free drinks wuz about an ekal thing.
The offisis they wantid wuz merely the means to that pertikeler
end; and so long ez they wuz gittin the latter without the
trouble uv the former, they wuz content. A good constooshen
and a copper-lined stumick carried me thro this tryin ordeel,
until I came across a Boston applicant, who, in consekence uv
the perhibitory law, hed bin for some time on short rashens,
and wuz keen set. Napoleon hed then met his Wellington,
and I succumd. The man's talent wuz wonderful.

Sekretary Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair family.
He hed did his level best for em. He hed appinted em to Collekterships
and furrin mishuns; but the crooel Senit, wich hed
no respeck for us, took delite in fastening uv em onto us by
perpetooally rejectin em. Jest after a long siege by Montgomery
and the old man, I sejestid the purchis uv the Rooshen
Territory, to wich not only they cood be sent, but a thousand
uv others wich we hed on our hands; and the Sekretary wuz
so pleased at the idea that he wept like a child. He set imejitly
about gittin testimonials ez to the valyoo uv the territory, to
inflooence the Senit in ratifyin the treaty he was agoin to make.
He wrote to a naval officer about it, who answered more
promptly than I ever knowd a naval offiser to do, ez follows:
—

A distinguished Perfessor wrote: —

The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He wuz full uv
the old fogy idea that it wuz rather chilly there than otherwise.
He hedn't faith in the Isothermal Line, and wuz skepticle about
the Gulf Stream. It wuz his experience that the further North
yoo got the colder it wuz. For instance, he remarkt, that
while the people wuz warm toward him in Virginny and Maryland,
last fall, they became very cold ez he got North. Wher
wuz the Isothermal Line and the Gulf Stream then?

Randall, who will hev his joke, remarkt that the isothermal
line twisted. He notist that the people made it ez hot for em
ez he wantid it ez fur North ez Cleveland; to wich Sekretary
Welles replied, that it only confirmed him in the opinion that
for platin vessels uv war, iron wuz preferable to pine plank
any time.

Seward removed the President's objections to-wunst. He
read his letters, wich set forth the beauties and advantages uv
the country twict over. Here wuz whales, and walrusses, and
seals, and white bears, and pine-apples, and wheat, and sea-lions,
and fields uv ice the year round, in a climit ez mild and equable
ez the meridian uv Washinton. The isothermal line wuz more

accommodatin ther than in any other part uv the world. It
cork-screwed through the territory so ez to grow fine peaches
for exportation to the States, and ice to the Sandwich Islands,
side by side. He drawd a picter uv the white bear a rushin
over the line, and disportin hisself in fields uv green peas!
Imagine, he remarked, the delicacy uv polar bear meat fattened
on strawberries; think uv the condishn the sea-lions must be
in which leave their watery lairs to feed on turnips wich grow
above the 60th parallel; think uv —

“It won't do,” sed the President.

“Think uv,” retortid the Sekretary, with a quicknis uv intellek
remarkable, “think uv gettin rid uv the Blairs forever!”

“Will the Ablishn Senit ratify the treaty?” askt Johnson,
eagerly.

“I converst with many on the subjick, and they sed ef we
cood promise that the Blairs would accept posishens ther, they
wood do it cheerfly. For sich a purpose, sed one uv em to me,
$7,000,000 is a mere bagatelle.”

“I'll do it,” sed Johnson. “I agree with the Senators for
once. Rather then hev it fail, I'd pay it out uv Mrs. Cobb's
share in our jint spekelashens. Freedom from the Blair family!
Good Hevings! kin one man be so blest? Is ther sich in store
for me? $7,000,000! Pish!”

My opinyun being askt, I give it. Ez hefty ez the vencher
is from a commershl stan-pint, in a politikle pint uv view, the
advantagis will be still heftier. The Rooshn territory will
finally be the chosen home uv the Dimocrisy. Ther is already
a populashen there adaptid to us, who kin be manipulated without
trouble, and the climit is favorable to a strickly Democratic
populashen. The trouble with us here is that the amount uv
likker necessary to the manufakter uv a Democrat kills him
afore he hez a opportoonity uv votin many times, wich keeps
us in a perpetooal minority. Our strength is, for climatic reasons,
our weaknis. Far diffrent is it in Roosha. Ther the
happy native may drink his quart per day — the bracin atmosphere
makin it abslootly nessary for him. Ther is the troo
Democratic paradise. How offen hev I sighed for sich a country.
Then again, ther are posishens uv profit. The delegates
to Congriss will, ef I hev figgered it rightly, draw about

$15,000 per session, mileage, wich is $30,000 per year, $60,000
per term. He cood afford to serve without the paltry $5,000,
wich wood be cheep legislatin, indeed.

And so it wuz agreed upon, and the treaty wuz made by
telegraph at a expense uv $20,000. Before it wuz finely conclooded,
some other little incidentals wuz inclooded by the Zar,
wich run the price up to $10,200,000, but that wuz nothin for
us. Seward went at his work with great energy. The purchis
wuz divided up into six territories (for the number uv delegates
to our convenshuns wuz large, and they all hed to be provided
for), wich wuz named, respectively, Johnson, Seward, Cowan,
Doolittle, Randall, and Welles. For the one in the extreme
North, the furthest off, Frank Blair wuz appinted Governor;
for the next, Montgomery; and the next, the old man, and the
other three wuz held in reserve for the pure but unfortunate
patriots wich might be hereafter rejected for the Austrian
mishun. A list wuz prokoored uv the delegates to our various
convenshuns, and them ez hed bin martyred by the Senit; ther
names wuz put into a wheel ez at Gift Enterprises, and the
Judgeships, Marshalships, Clerkships, et settry, wuz drawd by
lot. This ijee waz sejested by Postmaster-General Randall, ez
bein the easiest way of doin it. He statid that the appintments
from his department hed alluz bin made in this manner, ez it
saved time in eggsaminin petitions, cirtifikets uv fitnis, and sich.
In this way, about ez near ez I kin estimate, two per cent. uv
those claimin posishens at our hands hev bin provided for.

The idea is capable uv unlimited extension. The Administration
feelin the releef it hez gin em, are already negotiatin
for the British Provinces. This territory kin, by makin uv em
a little smaller, be divided up into — say, forty — which, by
makin a few more offises for each, and bein libral with explorin
expedishuns and sich, will be sufficient to give places to all
who really have claims upon us and who are pushin us.

The President breathes easier, and the Secretary is placid
ez a Summer mornin. He hez cut the Gordian knot; he hez
releeved hisself uv the boa constrickter wich wuz crushin him
in its folds. Happiness pervades the White House.