147. CXLVII.
A CONSULTATION AT THE CORNERS, FOLLOWED
BY A DREAM.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
August 1, 1867.
[1]
Last nite there wuz a convocashen uv the saints connected
with the Institoot, to take sweet counsel together onto matters
connected with the institooshen uv learnin, the success uv
wich is so dear to all uv us. The conversashen happened to
turn upon the conferrin uv honorary degrees, Deekin Pogram
sed that he hed notist that all the leadin colleges uv the
country hed a practis uv conferrin titles, sich as “M. D.,”
“A. B.,” “LL. D.,” and sich, onto distinguished men, though he
wuz free to say that he didn't know wat in thunder they meant,
or wat they wuz good for; but he hed notist in a noospaper
that no college hed yet conferred any sich onto Androo Johnson.
He wood sejest that ez a rebook to the hide-bound institooshens
uv the North, this college do to-wunst confer all uv
em, and ez meny more ez there is, onto Mr. Johnson. Bascom
remarkt that he didn't kno whether the President wood feel
complimentid. “You know, Deekin,” sed he, “that this ain't
much uv a college.”
“Troo,” sed the blessid old peece uv innosence, “troo, troo;
but then, to balance that, Johnson ain't much of a President,
yoo kno.”
And so the honorary degrees wuz conferred, and notis
thereof wuz sent him immejitly. From this the question uv
the next nominee uv the party for President came up. Bascom,
who isn't a far-seein man, asserted that it wood be necessary
to nominate Grant. The Deekin remarkt that he thought
it wood be safe, but McPelter thought different. He didn't
bleeve, in the first place, that it become a Peace party, or at
least a party wich, ef it dipped its hands in gore at all, did
it mostly in Northern gore, to take up a Northern General,
wich hed dun his best towards sendin many thousands of
Southners to their long homes; and besides, the General
wouldn't take it.
Various opinions wuz expressed by various persons, when,
without comin to any conclusion, we separatid. I retired that
nite earlier than usual, and, dwellin on the chances uv my
continuin in offis in case uv Grant's accession, I fell into a
troubled sleep and dreamed a dream.
Methawt gathered in front uv the White House wuz a
galliant array uv our friends. There wuz Franklin Peerce, and
Bookanan, and Vallandigum, and the Woods, and Magoffin, and
Monroe, and Brite, and Breckinridge, and the leaders uv the
Dimocrisy, all a standin ther lookin wishfully at the White
House, and wonderin how and by wat means they cood git in.
Johnson, blessins on his head, stood onto the portico wavin to
'em to come, but alass! guardin the passage stood a mighty
host uv Ablishnists, armed and clad in armor, and in such
force ez to make the stormin uv it hopelis.
“How shall we get in?” sighed Belmont.
“Ah, indeed, how?” ansered Henry Clay Dean.
“That's the great question?” ekoed Wood.
“My friends,” sed Thurlow Weed, “it's easy enuff. When
you can't sore like the eagle, crawl like the snake. Sorein is
preferable, but crawlin will do at a pinch. Is there not the
Lion uv the Republic? Can't you git him out and mount him?
The Ablishnists hev a regard for that same Lion, and will never
discharge ther arrers at you when yoor on his back, for fear
uv killin him. Besides, yoor ridin him will in some degree doo
away with the prejoodis they hev agin yoo.”
“But how kin we mount him?” said they.
“Trust to us for that,” said Weed, and him and Raymond
trotted off together.
They got the Lion out, but ez soon ez he cast his eyes onto
the crowd, he uttered a roar which struck terror into their
soles, and lashed the ground with his tail, and cast up dust
with his claws, in a manner fearful to behold.
“He'll never stand it!” said Weed, “onless he's blindfolded;”
and Thurlow wrapped Raymond like a wet dish-rag
over his eyes; and that done, him and Randall pared his nails
and blunted his teeth (so that ef the bandage should wriggle
off, and he shood see wher he wuz, he coodent hurt anybody),
and shaved his mane, till he looked like a very innocent Lion
indeed, so that his appearance woodent startle them not used
to his fiercenis, and in that condishen they led him very quietly
down to the crowd and give the word to mount.
Wat a scramble ther wuz! They piled on from the tip uv
his ears to the end uv his tale; and them wich coodent git on
for lack uv room, hung to the feet uv them wich had got on,
until it wuz nothin less than a pirrymid of Democrats.
Finally, when all wuz loaded, the word wuz given, and the
Lion moved off. They wuz delited. He hed strength enuff to
carry em, and he wuz a carryin em strate to the White House,
and at a good pace, too.
Ez they approached the portals, the Ablishn defenders uv the
place opened onto em.
“Hold!” said Weed, “wood you destroy the Lion uv the
Republic?”
“Stay yoor hands!” shreeked Raymond. “The savior uv
the country is under us.”
But they lafft them to scorn.
“It's Brite and Vallandighum, the Woods, et settry, we're
firin at,” shreekt they, singin, as they fought, “The Battle Cry
uv Freedom,” “John Brown's body lies a mouldin in the
grave!” and sich other sacriligious odes. “It's them we see,
and them we'll kill.”
And they belted away, till the whole mass wuz stretched
dead and dyin on the plain.
Then they came up and began to turn over the corpses, one
by one, until at last they came to the body uv the Lion, which,
peerced thro and thro, wuz ez dead ez any uv em.
“My God!” sed they, “it is the Lion after all!”
“And we've slayed him!” sed another.
“Well!” remarkt a third, “we coodent help it. He was so
kivered up with this carrion that I coodent make out what it
wuz they wuz a ridin. Let us give him a decent burial for the
good he hez done, and forget, ef we kin, the company he
died in.”
And at this kritikle juncture I awoke.
I hev an idea I can see a sort uv a warnin in this dream. It
occurs to me, —
1st. That if we do ride Grant, we'll hev to divest him uv his
mane, teeth, and claws, wich is the identical qualities wich
makes him valuable to us.
2d. That with us on his back, we will probably succeed in
killing him without savin us. Grant might deodorize a dozen
or two uv us, but the whole party! Faugh! It wood be a
pint of cologne to a square mile uv carrion.
3d. That ef we wuz wrapt all around him, the people woodent
be able to see him anyhow, and wat good wood he do us?
Interpretin the dream thus, I shel oppose the nomination.
Besides, I doubt whether all the Weeds and Raymonds in the
country kin so manipulate him ez to bring him quietly into our
ranks. We mite possibly go over to him, and thus git the
privilege of votin for him, but wherefore? How about the
offisis then? Ef the Ablishnists vote for him, and we vote for
him, the obligation is ekal, and between us is ther any doubt
wich he'd chose? I don't want to take sich chances. I'm
opposed to the movement. I care not what others may do, but
ez for me, give me straightout Dimocrisy or nothin. McClellan
wuz a vencher wich satisfied me ez to the propriety uv undertakin
to set a roarin lion a convoyin a flock uv peaceful lambs
into green pasters.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
