7. VII.
SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED.
[1]
I see in the papers last nite that the Goverment hez institooted
a draft, and that in a few weeks sum hundreds uv thousands
uv peeceable citizens will be dragged to the tented field.
I know not wat uthers may do, but ez for me, I cant go. Upon
a rigid eggsaminashen uv my fizzlekle man, I find it wood be
wus nor madnis for me to undertake a campane, to-wit:—
1. I'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged to wear a wig these
22 years.
2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs around my
venerable temples.
3. I hev a kronic katarr.
4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft, the use uv wun
eye entirely, and hev kronic inflammashen in the other.
5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint eggsactly rite, and
I hev hed bronkeetis 31 yeres last Joon. At present I hev a
koff, the paroxisms uv wich is friteful to behold.
6. I'm holler-chestid, am short-winded, and hev alluz hed
pains in my back and side.
7. I am afflictid with kronic diarrear and kostivniss. The
money I hev paid (or promist to pay), for Jayneses karminnytiv
balsam and pills wood astonish almost enny body.
8. I am rupchered in nine places, and am entirely enveloped
with trusses.
9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white-swellin on wun leg and
a fever sore on the uther; also wun leg is shorter than tother,
though I handle it so expert that nobody never noticed it.
10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich wood prevent
me from marchin.
I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich are aginst
the prossekooshn uv this unconstooshnel war, wood hev any
wate with a draftin orfiser; but the above reesons why I cant
go, will, I make no doubt, be suffishent.
