110. CX.
A PLEASANT DREAM, THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION
BEING THE SUBJECT THEREOF.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
July 28, 1866.
[1]
My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five
years, hevent bin overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken
more the shape uv hideous nitemares than anything else —
Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin
extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich more
than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at
the Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The
proprietor wuz a demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker
surreptitiously in Maine, among them Ablishnists, and consekently
hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown Kentucky
Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire capital
with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv
new corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter,
to make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one
free nite, and invited the entire community. His invitashun
wuz considered generous, and we met it in the same noble sperit
— in a more nobler sperit than the confidin and ignorant man
desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about thirty-eight
minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the
new grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself
for a fool. He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in
trade in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like
A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an inaugerashen.
I succumbed in a fence corner, and, overpowered ez I wuz,
slept,
“A sweetly dreamin —
Dreamin the happy hours away.”
Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August
had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed,
uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I
and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise.
The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present,
engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a
shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a
melonkoly look, with one hand a lyin on his shoulder, a tryin
to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like
a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv him jest ez
he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs,
wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee.
The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's
ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President
Franklin Pierce, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy
bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at
William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and
tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took
the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from each
State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled
with emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned
Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard
for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs
and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge
and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard,
Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old — “Mine
eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace.”
Nothing but the certainty that I wood at last hev that Post
Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler wat slender
ties hold us to earth!
The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees — two
on each from the South and one from the North, wich wuz
consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Randall,
the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative.
We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so
many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to
decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place.
Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates, —
From the North — all Democrats who hed bin arrested by
Linkin's minyuns; all officers who hed resined rather than to
serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a
commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered
necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take
his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything
A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small
items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he
mite do.
From the South — all who cood show a officer's commission
in the late Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon
from A. Johnson, and all who hed lost their niggers in an
unholy war, wich inclooded all present.
This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took
their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Unyun
commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a
hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or
sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv
English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five
kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie
to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv them stayed seven
hours and a half.
In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz
edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham
wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed
it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on
Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one
seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They
resolved that, —
Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our
national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody
hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days
each; and
Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections
viewin things each from its own standpint, instead uv viewin
things from the other's standpint; and
Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly
the North; and
Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history,
hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old
position in the Government — nay, more, to take more than
her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government;
therefore be it
Resolved, That we are for the Union ez it wuz.
Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in
continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed
our system uv Government, in legislatin while eleven sovereign
States is unrepresented, is pizen.
Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest determination
uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin
power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our
worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his
efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they
may do.
Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be
wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an
appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens
uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments,
so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly
them uv wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes
that ensood.
Resolved, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes,
change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta,
Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Browns
[ILLUSTRATION]
NASBY'S DREAM OF THE RECEPTION OF THE PATRIOTS. Page 299.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. Several men in dark suits with their
hats in their hands; a winged George Washington figure floats above
them.]
burg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses
wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more
forever.
Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost
their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich
hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the
same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that
the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed
from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt
incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its
stand-pint.
Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to
admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered,
worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.
Resolved, That the safety uv the Government demands that
sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern
States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other
posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant
they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to
be admitted.
Resolved, That there be gushin confidences, we freely forgive
the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his
little bell door in the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed
things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's,
wich alluz causes trouble.
At this pint, His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by
Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens
on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered
the hall. Sich a cheerin I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into
the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the
aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a
enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd
before em. They took their position on the stage, General
Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and General Henry A.
Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the
music uv the bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee
Doodle.
At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into
the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv
President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, “There
wuz me, and Adams, and Jefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and
then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good
God! Johnson! Faugh!” and I notist that George spit ez tho'
suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv
his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit
moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool
boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.
There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I
was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin
hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun
were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four
hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall
hisself give me mine. “Take it, my venerable friend,”
sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; “take it. No
more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a
paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin
radical.”
At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a
reality! Will I only git that post-offis in a dream?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
