164. CLXIV.
THE IMPEACHMENT FAILURE. — THE FEELING AT
THE WHITE HOUSE.
Washington, D. C., May 19, 1868.
[1]
The happiest hours I hev enjoyed for years past over me last
nite. The failyoor to impeech filled me with joy inexpressible.
Thank Hevin! Halleloogy! Ef I wuz David I shood restring
my harp, ef I wuz Miriam I shood order a fresh timbrel,
ef I wuz Herodias I shood dance afore the King! For we hev
pervaled. Our shepherd boy hez met this Goliath uv Radicalism,
and with weapons wich he took from his pouch hez conkered
him. This rapsody hez reference to impeechment excloosively.
When the vote wuz announced ther wuz the wildest enthoosiasm
manifested. The streets wuz immejitly filled with
the faithful. Baltimore and the cities further South hed vomitid
all over Washinton. Mrs. Cobb, no longer in teers, hed
returned, the pardon-brokers, whisky-spekilaters, and those
who hed difficulties with courts on account uv irregularities in
the currency they manufactured, wuz all here, and joyful.
Confedrit Captains, Kernels, and Brigadiers forgot their respective
ranks and embraced each other in the public streets;
the gray coats wich hed seen servis at Anteetam and Harper's
Ferry made their appearance agin, the drinkin saloons filled
up ez ef by magic, in fact, the sceen remindid me very much
uv the revival uv the coz on the 22d uv Febrooary, 1866.
At the White House there wuz the most terrific exhilerashun.
The President sat smilin serenely, Sekretary Welles (blessins
on his frosty pow) wuz ez lively ez the Dunderberg, and
Patterson wuz normal. The room wuz crowded with persons
to congratoolate the President on his success, and every minit
congratulatory despatches wuz bein reseeved, uv wich the
follerin is samples: —
The Dimocrisy uv Noo Hampsheer send greetin to Noo
Hampsheer's noblest son, Salmon P. Chase. We forgive and
welcum him.
The city is ablaze with enthoosiasm. My old poleece is
now paradin the streets, a cheerin for Chase. Ez I write they
are givin nine cheers and a tiger ez they pass the spot at wich
Dostie wuz shot. Judge Abell desires me to add his congratulashuns.
The circle wich hez a interest in the handlin uv ardent
sperits at this place, congratulates the President on his triumph
over his (and our) enemies. Ther confidence in the integrity
uv the Senit wuz not misplaced. They consider the money
they contributed to bring about this result well spent, and will
promptly honor any draft made upon em for means to carry
His Eggslency safe thro the remainin ten articles.
The President promptly answered this telegram, statin that
no more money was needed to be yoosed for impeachment purposes,
ez the contract with Senators kivered the entire eleven
articles.
There were others from Morrissey, Vallandigham, and others,
all breethin the same sperit uv thankfulnis for the result, and
all acknowledgin indebtednis to the noble Republikins wich
hed brot it about. These come from my old Kentucky home:
Halleloojy! I'll hev my niggers agin! Thank Hevin! My
son Josier is even now findin out ther whereabouts. The
Lord be praised! Hev already subjoogated three uv em.
Selah! Bells is ringin and bonfires is blazin.
The Corners congratulates yoo and the President. I commence
work to-morrer on the enlargement uv my distillery,
wich wuz suspended when the impeachment onpleasantnis wuz
begun. All hale!
“Why,” sed I to Randall, who sat moody and alone, “don't
yoo and the President share in the general exileration? He
doesn't seem to be the least eggscited.”
“Why shood we?” retorted he. “Doth the shepherd go
into spasms over the sheep he hez safe in his fold? The fact is,
our eggscitin time wuz several weeks ago, while we wuz a
buyin uv em, and arrangin for this. The Black Crook is ruther
startlin to the beholder from the front, but to the managers
who contracted for the legs at so much a pair, and arranged
the tablo it ain't so startlin.”
“Thinkst thou the new programme will result ez the President
hopes?”
“No; the new party can't succeed, no more than our last
vencher did. It ain't made up uv the right material. There's
more intelleck than sole in it — more bowels than heart.
There's Chase, Fessenden, Trumbull, and Grimes. Chase hez
ambition, Grimes hate, and Trumbull and Fessenden dyspepsia,
making the engregencies in the new organization half ambition
and hate and half dyspepsia. Never trust a man whose stumick
is out of order; take no stock in him whose bowels is unsound.
Intelleck is nothin, heart is nothin, onless there's a stumick
under em on wich to build. Chase hez no conshense, Trumbull
and Fessenden no gastric joose. Sich men alluz conspire and
alluz fail. Still, I'm glad the thing occurred.”
“Ef it amounts to nothin, why glad?”
“Becoz it lets Johnson and me out. When Arnold went
back on his countrymen, his countrymen forgot Joodis Iskariot;
when Aaron Burr ariz, they to-wunst forgot Arnold; Pierce
drove Burr out uv the public mind, Bookanan made em forget
Pierce, Johnson made em forget Bookanan, and now Chase will
make em forget Johnson and me. That's what I wuz drivin at.
Under the storm I shell leeve for my quiet Wisconsin home
and live in peece, for beside these latter cusses I shel loom up
into comparative respectability. Good nite. All is well.”
At a late hour I retired to my virchus couch, and fallin into
the deep sleep wich only visits the pillers uv them whose conshences
ain't bothered much, uv whom I am wich, ez my conshence
sheds convickshen uv wrath to come ez a duck does
spring rain, I dreemed a most curis dreem.
Methawt the Presidenshel course wuz reely and trooly a
race course, and the candidates hed to run that course, the
winner uv the race to be glorified. At one end uv the track
wuz a weighin stand and at the other the winner's post, which
wuz the White House. The runners wuz to carry the candidates
for Vice President, and sich other weights ez their backers
shood put onto em.
The Republicans hed Grant on the ground, promptly and
ready for the race. He come up splendid. He wuzn't so
mighty immense, but he wuz clean-limbed, decently developt all
over, and showed first-rate in the back and loins. Colfax
vaulted onto his shoulders, and he wuz ready.
Our people hed some difficulty in selectin a man to run agin
him. Finally Chase wuz selected to run, and he wuz brot to
the weighin stand. To the naked eye he wuz a splendid
specimen, and he come up to the stand so galliant, that notwithstandin
he carried in his hand a silver pitcher wich the niggers
uv Cincinnati give him for defendin a fugitive from Kentucky,
our people cheered him vociferous. Tall, strong, and muscularlookin,
in good flesh, deep-chested, broad-shouldered, strongbackt,
he wuz ez perfect a specimen ez I ever beheld, and all
felt confident that he wood hev no trouble in beatin his opponent
out uv site.
At this pint Vallandygum, Peerse, Vorhees, Morrissey, and
Wood, who hed charge uv our arrangements, took him in hand.
“We must prepare our man,” sed they.
“Take orf this Ablishn coat,” sed Voorhees.
“And this imparshel suffrage vest,” sed Morrissey; “the
nigger hezn't the moral qualificashens for the ballot.”
“And this free soil shirt,” sed Wood.
“And that anti-fugitive slave law wig,” sed Voorhees.
“And them ekal justice shoulder-braces,” sed Peerse.
“And them humanitarian pants,” shreeked Wood.
“We can't abide none uv these things,” yelled the crowd.
“Peel! All uv these yoo got from the Ablishnists, free-soilers,
and Republicans. We'll none uv em.”
The silver pitcher he carried in his hand they trampled into
the mud, and one by one the obnoxious garments wuz pulled
off from him. Heavens! wat a change! Ez they wuz removed
he shrunk. When the coat wuz taken off he wuzn't so broad
and massive; when the vest wuz gone he wuz positively flatchested;
when the shoulder-braces wuz removed he became
hump-backed; and when the pants wuz snaked off he stood
afore us the merest skeleton I ever beheld — a weak, shaky,
wheezin skeleton. Our folks looked disappointed, but it wuz
too late to change. A loose two-sided wrapper wuz thrown
over him, Gov. English climbed onto his shoulders, Vallandygum
jumped into one pocket and Fernandy Wood into the
other, the brass band tooted, the crowd yelled, he made one
convulsiv start, but in vain. The stiffnin wuz all out uv him.
His poor, weak knees gave way, his back doubled up, and he
came to the ground, every bone in him rattlin ez he fell, while
Grant made the race serenely.
“My God,” sed Morrissey, lookin at the poor wreck, “what
he got from the Ablishnists wuz all ther wuz uv him, after all!”
At this pint I awoke, and wuz saddened. There's where our
trouble lies. We hev to strip these fellows, when they come
to us, uv all that gives em any strength. Chase, without his
Ablishnism, can't get a Ablishen vote, and the Democracy will
vote for their own men in preference. Names ain't worth a
d—n any more, and men without principles ain't uv the slightest
account. And that's what's the matter with Democracy.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
