132. CXXXII.
MR. NASBY IS DESPATCHED BY THE PRESIDENT
UPON A MISSION, SIMILAR TO THAT OF MR.
McCRACKEN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Febrooary 11, 1867.
[1]
It wuz a crooel necessity, after all, wich druv me into the
servis uv His Eggslency A. Johnson. Crooel, I say; for whenever
he hez a partikelerly mean piece uv work to perform,
suthin so inexpressibly sneakin that Seward nor Randall won't
undertake it, they alluz send for me. Welles is alluz willin;
but while he hez the disposishen to do anything in the line, he
lax the ability. The uthers, however, hev the ability to do anythin
and the disposishen to do most things, and therefore I hev
bin employed in only eggstreme cases.
The success wich attended McCracken's mishun, endin ez it
did in the resinin uv Motly, stimulated Seward to prossekute
similar researches into the actooal opinions uv the home crop
uv offisers regardin him, and his sooperior, A. Johnson. Randall
wuz applied to to take a tour among Post Masters and sich.
He declined the mishen indignantly, with the remark, “Is thy
servant a dog, or the son uv a dog, that he shood do this
thing?” And ez Welles isn't trusted out uv Washinton any
more, I wuz sent for.
The biznis required uv me wuz statid by Seward in his
usual loocid style. It wuz merely to cirkelate incognito (wich
is Latin for sneakin) among the recently appinted offis-holders,
and assertain ther views upon general politikle topics, but more
espeshally ther feelins toward the President and Sekretary uv
State. Jest ez I wuz startin, not at all pleased with the
mishen, Welles put in his oar. He wuz agoin to give me instrucshuns
ez to wat I wuz to do. Welles is a lunatik I never
cood abide, and I felt it my dooty to wither him. Transfixin
the venerable Sekretary with wun uv my most piercenist gazes,
I remarked, — “Sir! in imitashen uv the man who inflicted yoo
upon this country, wich wuz not the least uv his acts for wich
the country cusses him, I propose relatin a little anecdote.
Ther wuz wunst a man who wuz inebriatid; and that he might
present hisself in a state approximatin sobriety to the pardner
uv his buzzum, he wuz essayin to vomit, tryin thus to ease his
stumick uv the cause uv the onpleasantnis therein; but he
coodent do it. He heaved and heaved, but there wuz no
result. At this critikle period another man approacht, who
remarked, kindly, that ef he desired to vomit, his best holt
wood be to run his finger down his throat. The drunk individooal
looked up indignant at this unwarranted interference
with his constooshnel rites. `Blast yoor eyes, sir,' sed
he, `are yoo or me bossin this yer puke?'
“This, Sekretary Welles, is the anecdote. I respeck the
posishun yoo hold, and dislike sayin anythin disagreeable; but,
sir, this is a puke, and I propose to boss it myself.”
I startid to-wunst, and found things in a highly mixed condition.
The followin is compiled from my reports: In Noo York
the Postmasters generally are sound. The crops wer poor last
year; and all kinds uv biznis bein dull, the Postmasters are
generally anxious to hold on. They are, therefore, outspoken
in their support uv the coz. Them ez wuz men uv good
standin and relijusly inklined, before the rupcher between
the President and the party wich redoost him, say but very
little in publick, and that little they don't say very long. They
generally can't see that ther is any partikeler differense
between the President's plan and the plan uv Congress, and
ther bein so little, Congress ought to yeeld for the sake uv
peace. The Dimokrats, holdin sich places, are loud enough in
support uv the Administrashen; but, good Heaven! the endorsement
uv sich men is too heavy a load for any party to
carry. Now, that I think uv it, I hev at last solved the mystery
uv our wide-spread defeat last fall. In some deestricks
the Dimocrisy found Johnson too heavy a load too carry, and in
the others the Johnson men found the Dimokrisy too heavy a
load to carry.
In Ohio, the first place I stopt at wuz Oberlin, the place
where the nigger college is located at. I regret to say that
the Postmaster at that pint is a rantin Ablishnist; and in the
two hours I wuz ther, I coodent find a Conservative Republikin
who wood take it. I got one nearly perswadid; but jest ez he
wuz about to consent, his wife fell a weepin onto his buzzum,
and with tetchin pathos, wantid to kno ef he wuz willin, for
sich small pay, to leave sich a tarnisht name to the four children
now born to em and the wun wich wuz expectid? He
repentid and refoosed. I don't investigate ez fully ez I might,
for ther ain't a drop uv likker sold ther; and ez my flask give
out, I felt that doo considerashen for my health woodent permit
my stayin another hour. I recommend the abolishen uv the
office, or the establishment uv a grosery, with a bar in the back
room, ez a nukleus around wich the Dimocrisy kin rally.
The next place I cum to I found the Postmaster a suspishus
character — very suspishus. Whenever he is drunk he speaks
very highly uv the Sekretary uv State, but when sober he
avoids politikle matters. I sejest a raise in the salary uv the
offis, that he kin afford to keep drunk all the time.
At the next pint I interdoost myself ez a English nobleman
in disguise, studyin Amerikin manners and customs, and menshuned
carelessly that I hed bin to Washinton, and hed bin
presentid to the President and Sekretary uv State. The Postmaster
wuz vizably affectid. Glancin furtively around to see
that no one wuz lookin, he remarked in a low tone: “My deer
sir, don't, I beg uv yoo, form yoor idea uv the public men uv
Ameriky from them specimens. Don't, I beg. The first, sir,
is a accident — sich a man cood never hev bin made on purpose.
The second wuz suthin, in his earlier years; but now, sir, now
— he's a degradid old man,” and he bustid into tears. “Bein
determined to hold onto his place, he tried at fust to bring the
President up to his level; but that bein impossible, he deliberately
let hisself down to the level uv the President, and the
distance, sir, wuz so great, the Sekretary bein suthin, that the
shock, sir, undoubtedly knockt his intelleck out uv him, for he
ain't displayed any since. May the Lord forgive Willyum
H. Seward for the shipwreck he made uv his reputashen,
for —”
At this pint the poor man stopt. I happened to pull out my
hankercher, and in doin so dropt upon the floor a piece uv
paper, wich he seed. It read: —
“Petroleum V. Nasby, Dr.
“To G. Bascom.
| “To drinks doorin the month uv Janooary at 10 cents per drink, |
$30 00.” |
He looked at my face, and seein that that bill reely b'longed
to me, fell faintin onto the floor, shreekin, “I'm McCrackened.”
I leave the case in the hands uv the Cabinet.
Another man openly defied me. He wantid me to take the
offis off his hands. His children, he sed, wuz made mouths at
and skoffed at, at skool, becoz ther father, wich hed bin a
Republikin, held a Fedral offis, and his wife wuz defeeted for
President uv the Sewin Sosiety, a posishen she hed alluz held,
on the same akkount. He hed stood it long enuff. Ef he
coodent git it off his hands, he'd commit sooicide, and by thus
puttin hisself out uv the way, make his abuzed family the only
reparashen in his power. I sejest that he be removed. Sich
talk may be safely set down ez incendiary.
Another hed the highest possible opinion uv the President,
and worshipt the Secretary. He considered his plan uv reconstruction
the best wich cood hev bin devised by mortal wisdom.
He hed vainly striven to git a nominashen for an offis from the
Republikin party for years, but failed, owin to a lack uv confidence.
He wood hev jined the Democracy; but ez they wuz
hopelessly in the minority, it woodent hev helped him. He
considered Johnson's idea uv fillin the offises with Republikins
bully, ther bein so few uv that persuasion who'd take em, and
he didn't want any accessions to the party. Ther wuz now jist
enuff to hold the offises in control uv the President, and them
wuz all the offises they cood git any how. I sejest that he be
continyood. He isn't discreet; but we can't expect all the
virchoos at so small a price. None uv us is perfeck — I spose
I hev my failins.
I shel continyoo my investigashens, tho it is dredful tryin
labor. Goin, ez I do, thro Abolition sections, I hev to cary
my own whisky; and ez sad experience hez demonstrated,
quart flasks won't do. Sometimes I hev to lay in one uv them
towns for three hours. I respeckfully submit, that arrangements
be made for the transportashen uv a keg uv sustenance
to accompany me; otherwise, I shel peremptorily resine. At
my time uv life my regeler supplies is necessary.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
