74. LXXIV.
MEETS A “RECONSTRUCTID SUTHERN CHIVELRY,
AND HEZ CONFIDENCES.”
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
July the 12th, 1865.
[1]
I hev bin in Washinton, and while ther I wuz interdoost to
Gineral Marion Sumpter Fitzhoo Gusher, uv Mississippy. I
wuz anxious to meet with a representative Dimekrat uv the
South, to interchange views, to hev soothin confidences, to
unbuzzum, becoz for the past four years the Dimekratic party
hez bin trooly seckshnal, and the seckshun it hez occupied is
not the identikle seckshun onto wich the orfises is located, and
only by a perfect union with our wunst-loved brethren uv the
South, kin we ever git onto trooly nashnel ground.
Gineral Gusher is a troo gentleman uv the real Suthern
school. He puts C. S. A. after his name onto the hotel register,
and his rings, buzzum-pin, and the head uv his cane, is all
made uv the bones uv mizrable Yankee soldiers who fell at Bull
Run — he sez by his own hand; and it must be so, for who ever
knowd a Suthern man to boast vaingloriously? We met and
embraced, weepin profoosely.
“Alass!” sobbed the Gineral, “wat a nitemare hez obscoord
our respective vishuns for the past four yeers! I wuz alluz a
Union man, alluz! alluz! alluz! The old flag I loved with
more than parental affeckshun — to me it wuz more nor life!”
“Why, then, my Ajacks,” sobbed I, “did you raise yoor
paricidle hand agin it?”
“Why, my beloved! Because MY STATE secesht, and I
wuz carried along by a torrent uv public opinion, wich I cood
not stem, and I went with her. But it's all over. We hev
awoke, and I'm here in the capital uv my beloved country,
under the shadder uv that glorious flag wich is the pride uv
Americans and the terror uv all weak nashens wich hez territories
contiguous, ready to take a oath, and resume the citizenship
I laid off, and agin run the guverment for its own honor
and glory.”
“Hev yoo a pardon?” sez I. “Methinks, wunst a paper
reecht my humble village, wich is unanimously Dimekratik —
it cum around a package uv goods from Noo York — and in
that paper I saw your name ez wun uv the offisers who killed
the niggers at Fort Pillow. Am I rite?”
“You are. I'm a gushin child uv nacher — I'm enthoosiastic.
Labrin under the same deloosion that secesht us, I bleevd at
that time that I wuz doin a good thing in killin them property
uv ours that Linkin hed shovd bloo coats onto. I hev no apologies
to offer — I am now writin a justificashen.
“I, and I speak for thousands uv the chivelrous sons uv the
South, who would like a good square meal wunst more, am
willin to be conciliated. The oppertoonity is now offered the
guverment to conciliate us. We are returnin prodigal sons —
kill yoor fatted veal, and bring out yoor gold rings and purple
robes, and sich. We ask condishns — we shel insist on terms;
but we are disposed to be reasonable. We are willin to acknowledge
the supremacy uv the guverment, but there must
be no humiliashen. A proud, high-sperited people, like us uns,
won't stand it — no sir, we cannot. Ther must be no hangin,
no confisticashen, no disfranchisin. We are willin to step back
jest as we stept out, resoomin our old status, trustin to engineerin
to git sich other pints ez are not here enumeratid.
Without them condishns, the Union wood not be wun uv heart
— 'twood be holler mockery. Wat we are goin for is a Union
founded on love, wich is stronger and more solider than muskits.
Hearts is trumps — let the platform be hearts, and all is
well.”
“But, Gineral,” sez I, “in all this wat do yoo purpose for us
Northern Dimekrats?”
“Towards em our bowels melt with love. We forgive yoo.
Ef yoo kin take the old attitood, well and good — ef not —”
“Hold!” sez I, “don't threat. A ginooine Northern Dimekrat
wants but little here below, but wants that little long.
Give him a small post-orfis, a nigger-driver to look up to, and a
nigger to look down to, and he is supremely happy. Ef a angel
in glory wuz to offer to trade places with him, harp, golden
crown and all, he wood ask odds.”
“Uv course them positions yoo kin hev — we don't want em.
All we ask is to make the platforms, and hev sich orfises ez
hawty, high-toned men kin afford to take, and yoo uns kin hev
the rest. But wun thing must be understood. The scenes uv
the Charleston Convention must never be re-enactid — there
must be no more Duglissis. Under the new dispensashun yoo
dance whenever we fiddle, askin no questions. The Suthern
heart must never agin be fired — it wood consume itself. Ez
soon ez I hev took the oath, I shel immejitly go home and run
for Congris — see to it that ye hev enuff Dimekrats ther, that
we, jintly, kin control things. Uv course, in a Union uv love,
ther must be equality. Linkin's war debt must never be paid,
onless ourn is; his hirelins must never be pensioned, unless
our patriots is. Wat a deliteful spectacle! Men who, yesterday,
wuz a gougin each other onto the field uv battle, to-day a
drawin penshuns amicably, from the same treasury! The eagle
wood flop his wings with joy, and angels wood exclaim, `Bully!'
I am disabled from wounds received on the field, and rejoice
that our penshun laws is so libral. Go home, my friend, and
marshel for the conflict. Tell yoor central committies to collect
expense money, and I, and Ginral Forist, and Kernel
Moseby, and Champ Ferguson, and Dick Turner, and Boregard,
and perhaps that noble old hero (take off yoor hat while I pernounce
his glorious name), Ginral Robert E. Lee, will come up
and stump the North for yoor tickits. I hev done. I go.”
“Noble man,” thot I, ez he stalkt majestically away, takin, in
a abstractin manner, my new hat and umbreller, leavin his old
wuns, “who coodent foller thee, and sich ez thee, forever and
forever?”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
