49. XLIX.
SHOWS THAT A WAR PLATFORM WON'T DO FOR
THE DEMOCRACY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 17th, 1864.
[1]
It is probable, yes, I may say, tolable certain, that P. V.
Nasby, wich is preecher uv sed Church, in charge, may retire
from publick life shortly. Why? methinks I heer the entire
Dimekratik party, who hev long regarded me as a ornament to
my sex, and the wun altogether luvly, exclame. The why is
plane to a massive intellek, wich is me. The good old Dimekratik
party is on the strate road to destruction, and, to use a
railroad mettyfor, onless it is swicht off at Chicago, it's a goner,
and the more it succeeds at the November elecshun, the wus
is its goneniss!
“Singler!” exclames a patriotic and self-sacrificin Dimekrat,
who hez a post-orifis in his beemin eye— “singler that success
shood rooin us. Wy, that's wat we're goin for.”
Gently, my frend. Uv wat avail is it to elect a President
in sich a way ez to make it morally certin to be defeatid ever
after? Troo, we'd hev the post-orfisis; but with a Ablishin
Congris to watch us, wher'd be the chances uv stealin, nessary
to our support?
To eloocydait. The Dimokrasy hev postponed their convenshun
till it is ascertained how Lee vs. Grant comes out. Ef
Lee whales Grant — peace platform. Ef Grant whales Lee —
war platform. Now the chances air that Lee will be whipt, for
the tyrant Linkin hez a spite at that grate and good man.
Then we're a war party, and go into the campain on the corruptnis
uv the Administrashen, and beat em, and git the post-orifises.
Wat then? Wy this. The war is OUR war; the
taxis is OUR taxis; the drafts is OUR drafts, and WE wood
hev the responsibility instid uv our enemies. Ez a matter uv
course, Dimekrats wood hev to do the volunteerin, for it wood
be their war, and the armies wood hev to be led by Dimekratik
ginerals. Good hevins! Imagine 500,000 Dimekrats under
sich ez Micklellan and Buel! Wat a redoosin uv majorities —
wat a waste uv votin stock ther wood be!
The troo polisy for us is peace. Ez a peace party, we are
certin uv gettin the support uv these classis, to-wit:—
The stingy cusses, who object to payin taxis.
The cowardly cusses, who are afraid uv bein drafted.
Every draft and every new tax adds to our ranks; so fast,
indeed, that ef we cood stop the Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran,
etc., revivals uv religion, and git whisky back to old
prices, so that we cood afford to use it profoosely, we cood be
in good shape next fall.
By bein a war party we lose all these people, and take them
out, and, in the name of Hevin, wat wood be left uv us!
Peace is our best and only holt, and, onless the party takes
that dodge, I shel retire, for we can't win but wunst on war,
and then the responsibilities we'd hev to assoom wood be too
much for us. The Dimekratik intellek is not hefty.
Ez for myself, I've no feers — I kin git along. There's small
groceries to be run; and the retailin uv likker in a striktly
Dimekratik community, where they'd work jest twelve hours
— earnin enuff to carry em thro the other twelve at my bar —
has alluz appered to me to be the highth uv earthly bliss.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
