159. CLIX.
THE IMPEACHMENT MATTER.
Washington, D. C., March 8, 1868.
The most affectin time I ever eggsperienced wuz in Washinton
last nite. His Eggslency telegrafft me to come to Washinton.
I hevn't tied much to him recently, but I coodent forgit
that he first gave me the offis I live on, that his honored
name is at the bottom of the commission I hold, and I felt that
I ought at least to be with him while he wuz dissolutin. I determined
that he should draw his last offishel breath onto my
buzzum.
I arrived late, and at wunst perceeded to the Executive
Manshen. It wuz a familyer sceen. Ther wuz Seward, Randall,
Secretary Welles, and the President, and all uv em graver
than the saintly raven uv the stately days uv yore. The President
wuz a tryin to keep a stiff upper lip, but I cood see teers
a follering each other adown his holler cheeks in rapid succession.
“He's a goner!” thot I; “no man kin stand that drain
on his flooids. No matter how much he may take in, that pace
will kill any one.”
The President wuz a readin telegrams and letters, and they
wuz not uv a carikter to pleeze him. The first wuz from
Belmont, and read thus: —
[1]
“I hev, ez yoo know, the highest possible regard for yoor
Eggslency, and shel regret exceedingly to see yoo deprived uv
yoor high offis; but, reely you kin scarcely eggspect the
Dimocracy to embarrass themselves by espousin yoor coz.
The fact is, no party hevin a fucher before it kin tie itself to a
ded past. The teemster draws a sigh over a ded mule, but ez
a ded mule can't draw his cart, he naturally turns his eyes onto
them still possest uv vitality. I hope yoo see the pint without
my explainin it. Excuse me for comparin yoo to a ded mule,
but the simile wuz the first that segested itself to me.
“With profound respect, I am, &c.
“P. S. Should biznis call me to Tennessee, I shel do myself
the honor to call on yoo in yoor dignified retirement.”
The President wiped an avalanche uv teers wich follered the
reedin uv this unfeelin letter, and the next wuz opened.
“Maysville, Ky., February 30, '68.
“Wood a regiment uv Irish raised in this place be uv any
servis? Anser!
“Hell!” sed Randall, “the whole county only polls 800
votes, and that cuss hez bin borin me for a place in the department
for over a year. Drive on.”
The next letter wuz from Vallandygum: —
“Since the disgraceful exhibishen yoor friends made uv
theirselves at the Philadelphia Convenshen, I didn't consider
myself bound to yoo. I, ez yoo know, never took any stock in
half-and-half mixters. My defeet by Thurman hezn't increased
my love for yoo and yoors. I hev no objecshen to yoor holdin
yoor seet to the end uv yoor term, but reely it's a matter uv
but little consekence to me. Shood you pass thro Dayton on
yoor way to Tennessee, I shood be glad to extend the hospitalities
uv my humble house to yoo.”
The next one wuz from Franklin Peerse, and dated at
Concord, N. H.: —
“I feel for yoo; that is, I feel for yoo on general principles.
(Thad Stevens, permit me to say, in parenthesis, hez been
feelin for yoo, and hez at last, I am satisfied, found yoo.) I feel
for yoo ez I do for every man who hez a offis and is obliged to
leeve it. Nevertheless, I can't help you. I wood, but yoo see
we hev all we kin do to help ourselves. Uv course yoo don't
expect the Dimocracy to take any part in the struggle between
yoo and Congriss. Elected ez a Republikin, with Republikins
in yoor Cabinet, the Dimocrisy, while they applaud wat yoo
hev done, can't uv course make yoor quarrel theirs. When yoo
leave Washington for Tennessee can't yoo take Concord in yoor
way? I hev no objecshen to minglin teers with yoo.”
The next wuz from a Western politishen, lately appinted
Postmaster: —
“Sir: I return the appintment yoo gave me last month
with loathin and skorn. I survived the Noo Orleans and
Memphis massacres, yoor opposition to the will of Congris,
and all the other damnin inquities uv yoor most damnable
administration, but this last attempt to hist Stanton I can't
endorse. Therefore I bolt. Your successor will, I hope, do
me justis, and likewise the Senit.”
“Lord!” sed Randall, “that cuss bored me for better nor
a yeer for the appintment, but the Senit won't confirm him.
O, Wade, what hevent yoo to undergo? O, Johnson, from
what hev yoo escaped!”
A prominent Eastern Dimocrat wrote ez follows: —
“Defy Congriss, and let em impeech yoo. Dare em to do
their dirty d—dest. Ef they shood hist yoo, all the better.
It will be an immense help toward the election uv McClellan.
Think how much yoo kin do for the coz in this way, and stand
firm. Visit Hartford on yoor way to Tennessee.”
A Western Democrat wrote: —
“Be firm — be firm. The impeachment uv yoorself will
raise sich a storm uv indignashun in the North, and sich sympathy
for Southern Dimokrats, ez to make the nominashun uv
even sich men ez Breckinridge certin. Yoo are, now, uv vast
yoose to the coz! I will meet yoo at Looisville, and accompany
yoo to Tennessee.”
“McClellan! Pendleton! Breckinridge!” shouted the President;
“wat uv me! Am I to bleed solely for their good? I
don't want to go to Tennessee, nor I won't. Am I to go out
impeached for their benefit? Never!” And Androo, who
isn't quite ez much uv a philosopher as Sokratees, bustid into
teers, swearin that he'd see em blest afore he'd sakrifis a minit
uv his term for any body's yoose but his own.
The next wuz from a Assessor in Illinoy, who went on to
remark that he wood be glad to support him, but a decent regard
for the interests uv his family indikated a different course.
He hed espoused the cause uv the President agin Congris for
the sake uv the position, and the President cood well understand
that it wuz no more difficult to change now to keep a
offis, than it wuz to change two years ago to git one. He wuz
at this time bizzily engaged in supportin Congris.
“Call it not ingratitood,” sed he; “I wuz in the market then,
and am now, percisely ez wuz all them wich yoo led captive
out uv the Republikin party. He is a eggregis ass who worships
the settin sun, when by turnin around he kin let the
golden rays uv the risin orb beam onto him.”
At this pint, and long afore the afflicted President hed recovered
from these blows, Welles's nephew, who hed bin out
on a scout, returned with a report. Fust, he hed notist that
every durned one uv the cusses who hed bin beseegin the
White House for appintments for months past, wuz now doggin
Senator Wade around; that they waited in-doors, at the door
uv the Senit Chamber, and that they beseeged his hotel. Secondly,
that the Constooshnel Yoonyun Club wuz then in session,
and wuz jest debatin the question whether to change the name
uv the Club to the “Ekal Rites Assosiashen,” or the “Radikle
Brotherhood!” Third, that the conservative clerks in the
Departments wuz all organizin theirselves in Grant clubs, and
that already one uv the Department clubs hed ordered 4000
Grant medals, turnin in the old Johnson medals they hed bin
wearin as part pay.
“Good Heavens!” sed His Eggslency.
“Wat else cood yoo expect?” retortid Randall; “we bot em
cheap, and they are cheap men. I may do the same thing afore
nite. The experiment uv buyin up a party at so much a head
hez bin tried afore, and hez alluz failed, very much like the ijee
uv perpetual moshen. Yoo ken git considerable enthoosiasm
ez long ez yoor provender holds out, but then — The fact is
yoo dident get no Republikins worth hevin, and yoo ain't uv no
yoose to the Democrisy, becoz yoo coodent carry enuff uv them
Republikins over to do em any good. My deer sir, yoor in a
tite place. We're retired physicians, whose sands uv life hev
neerly run out. I see afore me a long vista uv private life.
I sold myself ruther cheep, but I don't complain. I hev about
filled the measure uv my ambishen — people forgit in a few
years, and ef they didn't, Amerikin people won't be crooel enuff
to hold my children responsible for wat I hev done. Some uv
em — I hev keerfully kept em away from Washington for neerly
three years — may yet redeem the name uv Randall, even ez
worthy men by the name uv Arnold hev managed to live and
be respected — their virchoos more than balancin the unfortinit
name they wuz cust with. But, A. Johnson, yoor time
is short. The Republikins is furious, and the Dimocrisy hed
ruther see it than not. I, too, will visit yoo in yoor retirement
in Tennessee.”
“More joy A. Johnson in his eggsile feels,
Than 'fore the Senit laid him by the heels.”
By the time he wuz done talkin, the balance uv em hed all
left the room, and when he wuz done he went too, leavin no one
but me. The sceen wuz affectin. Droppin his head onto my
buzzum, the scaldin teers a runnin down his cheeks, he exclaimed,
in a holler voice, “One by one they go. Mrs. Cobb fust,
and the balance immejitly after. O, wat a world is this!”
I draw the curtain over his greef. I may hev to financeer
somewhat to hold my place, but I alluz respeck manly emoshn.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
