113. CXIII.
THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION TO THE
TOMB OF DOUGLAS. — FROM WASHINGTON TO
DETROIT.
At the Biddle House (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), }
September the 4th, 1866.
[1]
Step by step I am ascendin the ladder uv fame; step by step
I am climbin to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz
summoned to Washington by that eminently grate and good
man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed
Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose
uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sense uv the danger
wich wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin
the power uv the Government into the hands uv a Congress,
instid uv diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich is
Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the first uv the
discussion. When I arrove they hed everything settled cepting
the appintment uv a Chaplain for the excursion. The President
insisted upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected.
He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. “I
am determined,” sez he, “to carry out my policy, but I hev
some bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin
the pay he got. No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed
he shel.”
“Very good,” said Seward; “but at least find some clergyman
who endorses us without hevin P. M. to his honored name.
It wood look better.”
“I know it wood,” replied Johnson; “but where kin we find
sich a one? I hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't
ez yet seen him. Nasby it must be.”
There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before
the procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders
on the proposed route, and appintin men who bleeved in us
(Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable
recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop. The
Anointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, “Them ez won't support
my policy shan't eat my bread and butter.” Randall and
Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to
assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I
owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.
“Most High,” sez I, “a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss;
cut its head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's
office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor
policy, but while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly
quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will spurt their blood
in your face. Ez to bein enshoord of a reception at each point,
you need fear nothing. Calkulatin moderately, there are at
least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every
offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them offisis
is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich
is to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv
each, individually and collectively. In short, ef there's four
offises in a town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev
sekoored four supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo
hev the hundred who expect to get em.”
The President agreed with me that until after the trip the
gullotine shood stop.
Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve
my personal appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent
to the clerks in the Departments, assessin em for that purpose.
Sich uv em ez refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly
dismissed for disloyalty.
At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly
conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party
wore buzzum pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the
Southern delegates to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz
made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed fallen at various
battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly valuable ez anteeks,
hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at
Bull Run.
The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His
Imperial Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech
to better advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I
bleeve I've heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly.
Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that perceshun, the
recollection uv that banquet, lingers around me, and the taste
uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed to go. We
hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat
and started.
Albany. — There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all
the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor
welcomed him, but he welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate
uv the nashen, and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That
struck a chill over the party, and the President got out uv it
ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, and
not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt.
It wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the
papers, he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one
speech, and he ought to hev made sich a reception ez wood
hev enabled him to hev got it off. We shook the dust off uv
our feet, and left Albany in disgust.
Skenactady. — The people uv this delightful little village
wuz awake when the Imperial train arrived. The changes
hadn't bin made in the offices here, and consekently there wuz
a splendid recepshun. I didn't suppose there wuz so many
patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one ez
the President's private adviser — a sort uv private Secretary
uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions
for the Post Offis in Skenactedy in my side coat pocket, wich
the patriots who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously
deposited there. The incident wuz a movin one. “Thank
God!” thought I. “So long ez we hev the post offices to give,
we kin alluz hev a party.” The Sultan swung around the cirkle
wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the
train moved off.
Utica. — The President spoke here with greater warmth,
and jerked more originality than I hed before observed. He
introdoost here the remark that he didn't come to make a
speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv
Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed fought
traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood leave
the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he
wuz ready to die with neetness and dispatch.
Rome. — Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never
heard His Majesty speek more felicitously. He menshuned to
the audience that he hed swung around the Southern side uv
the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the Northern side uv
it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the
Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received
at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took
ez a bad omen for the comin election.
Lockport. — The President is improvin wonderfully. He
rises with the occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he
wuz sot on savin the country wich hed honored him. Ez for
himself, his ambishn wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin
Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator,
Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed
swung around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted
now wuz to heal the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in
leavin the Constooshn in their hands. Ez he swung around
the cirkle —
At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung
around the cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the
phrase wuz, it might spile by too much yoose.
At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the
post to which the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain
is long enough to let him rage over neerly the whole State. I
am pained to state that the President wuzn't treated here with
the respeck due his station. He commenst deliverin his
speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture. Skasely
hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, when a
foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled “Veto!” and another vocifferated
“Noo Orleans!” and another remarked “Memphis!”
and one after another interruption occurred until His Highness
wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild. He forgot
his speech, and struck out crazy, but the starch wuz out uv
him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken along to
draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a
boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who
tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The
President recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle
wunst, and leavin the Constooshn in their hands, retired.
At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at
the station. He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder,
and wuz wavin a flag with wun hand, firin a saloot with a
revolver with the other, and playin “Hail to the Chief!” on a
mouth organ, all to-wunst.
“Who are you, my gentle friend?” sez I.
“I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir,” sez he. “I'm a
perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate,
all alone, sir. There wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet,
sir; but when the commishn came for me, the other nineteen
wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d—n for him nor his
policy, sir. Where is the President?”
Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one
man, and leave the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward
checked him.
At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises
hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The
crowd didn't cheer Androo much, but when Farragut wuz
trotted out they gave him a rouser, wich wuz anything but
pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves
in bein respected.
Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city,
the President wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv
rare merit. He gathered together in one quiver all the sparklin
arrows he had used from Washington to this point, and shot
em one by one. He swung around the cirkle; he didn't come
to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his native town;
he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a
poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez near ez
I cood understand, wuz, —
“Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly
From its firm base — in a pig's eye.”
Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward,
and shel continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach
Chicago.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
