99. XCIX.
A DREAM. — THE CORPSE OF REPUBLICANISM.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
March 30th, 1866.
I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the
Corners hed become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed
him a handlin guvment money, drawin his salary promptly, and
takin his drinks regerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a
supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the
humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when a new
grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a
credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and
therefore I went to Washinton.
Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin
my views ez to consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the
Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the
Second Jaxson hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late
in the afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table,
exsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.
“Well,” sed he.
“Honerd and spected sir,” said I, “I am a applicant for the
post orfis at Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a
Ablishnist who does not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve
in solemnly. Spected and honered sir,” sed I, “ef I shood
have twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both Policy.”
“Wich State are yoo from?” sed he, half asleep.
“From Kentucky, honered and spected sir,” sed I.
“Well,” sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk,
“Fill out a pardon, and give him a commission!”
“Honered and spected sir,” sed I, in a fit uv loonacy for
wich I can't account, “I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in
the late lamented Confedrit servis.”
“What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis?
Git out, yoo imposter!” and I wuz to-wunst ignominiously
showed to the door. I didn't quite understand the lay uv the
land around the White House.
In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did
ez much for the Confederacy ez my humble abilities permitted,
and that I needed consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart
broke and dead broke, not hevin the wherewith to prokoor more
sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun steps, and
sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.
I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White
House. Stretched out on one side uv the room wuz the
corpse uv a giant, a monster in size and strength, but withal
uv pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. Onto its head wuz
a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted,
and with all the gildin knocked off.
“Wat is these?” sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv
a attendant.
“Them,” replied he, “is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism.
He wuz a hefty yooth in his day, but he died this
mornin. Look! the mourners are a comin to divide his
clothes.”
And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second
Jaxson, which the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared
to be angry, and clost behind him wuz Seward, a
weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim
Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his
eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle,
and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and
Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor
Sharkey, and a host uv others, all uv wich ranged theirselves
around the bier.
“He wuz a promisin yooth,” sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher
to his eyes, “but the atmosphere uv the White House
wuz too much for him. I insist, however,” sed he, a pocketin
the handkercher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in
his hand, labelled, “Presidency, 1868,” from wich hung more'n
a million uv smaller trinkets, “that ez 'twas me that pizened
him, this is mine.”
“Nary,” sed Johnson; “I did the bizness for him, and it's
mine.”
“Settle it ez yoo please,” sed Raymond, gently, “but whoever
gits it must remember that this Secretaryship is mine.”
“And I,” sed Doolittle, “must hev, for my assistance, this
little affair marked `St. James,' for my seat in the Senate is a
goner.”
“For my part,” sed Jim Lane, “the Western appointment is
mine. It's worth em all to wear this collar.”
“My friends,” sed Stephens, “I find no amnesty about the
corpse. There must be one manufactured and stuck in his
pocket, to be prodoost at the funeral.”
Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic
smile, knowin perfectly well that whoever took the plunder,
he'd control it, any way.
Governor Sharkey laid claim to a Secretaryship, and Boregard
to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position,
and Vallandigham wanted this, and tother feller that, and there
wuz a terrible hubbub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost
came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new
deal, “for,” sed he, “ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo all
hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him!
I'm sure the shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his
spirit yoo hed,” sed he, a turnin to Seward, “but ef Linkin hed
lived, ha, ha!” sed he, in a tragedy voice. Then in trooped
a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio, and
Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannan, uv
Pennsylvania, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who
started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck
their fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first
time in his life and desisted.
Finally Johnson swore “by the eternal” (he got that noshun
from the first A. J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his initials
is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that
he wood hev the Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he
snatched at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to see
it out, for it made but little difference to them wich got it.
In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin a
window on the north side uv the room and smashed it out.
Jest then a blast uv north wind poured into the room through
the aperture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The
effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins, his face
flushed, and the livid hue was changed to the ruddy glow uv
health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his feet, and
looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him
like insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage
in Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out
uv his hand, flung him gently through the winder. “I ain't
made up my mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain't
you,” sed he.
“Willyum,” sed he, turnin to Seward, “I'm surprised at yoo.
Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle?
Go, Willyum! Ez for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked;
yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in yoor vest pocket, and quit the
presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the tender mercies uv
my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this rabble,
and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and
stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and
sprinkle chloride uv lime, and sich, all over it. Shut down them
Southern windows, and open those on the North, East, and
West sides. I want a snuff uv fresh air, for I —”
At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White
House, but on the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my
pocket wuz the papers wich didn't get me the post orfis I wuz
seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the
dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich,
wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without
any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he
in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted
themselves administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin
to divide the assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, O wood that
I knowed!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
