60. LX.
HAS A FRIGHTFUL DREAM.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
November the 29th, 1864.
I'm bein afflicted with dreams. It's very seldom that I lay
my manly form down to rest, that dreams uv the most friteful
character don't take posseshun uv me, and I awake in the
mornin feelin ez tired ez I do after a hard day's dodgin
creditors, wich is exhaustin.
Last nite I hed a dream, the recolleckshun whereof is enuff
to drive a dray hoss uv ordinary sensibilities crazy. Methawt
Dimokrasy wuz ded, that his funeral wuz apinted for the 4th
uv March, that that day hed arriv, and that the friends uv the
deceest hed bin invitid. I wuz on the spot early, but, to my
surprise, quite a number uv mourners wuz there afore me. Ther
wuz Thomas Jefferson, and Androo Jaxson, and Steven A.
Duglis, and Silas Wright, and James K. Polk, and sich. The
corpse wuz that uv a giant, who hed evidently died uv dissipashen
— wunst strong and viggerus, but redoost to a shaky
skeleton. Presently Fernandywood, Frank Peerse, Vallandigum,
and Vorhees hove in site. They come a busslin up, ez
tho they wuz the ligitimit heirs and assigns aforesed uv the
deceest, but ez soon ez they recognized them ez wuz standin
round the corpse, they turned pale and sneaked off ez fast ez
their legs cood carry em. These distinguished individooels
wuz a weepin bitterly over the corpse, particklerly Jefferson.
“I am his fond parient,” he exclaimed; “I guided his infant
steps; I — but what the dev—”
This exclamashen escaped Thomas, ez his eagle eye lit onto
a bootiful nigger-whip wich the defunct hed clutched into his
emashiated hand. “He never got that from me,” continued
Thomas, with a expreshun uv intense disgust; “I sent the
gushin yooth into the world to do away with them things.”
Wright hed found a revolver and a pair uv handcuffs in his
pocket, wich he dropped as tho they burnt him. Jakson took
out uv his vest a package labeld “State-Rites.” “Good
hevins!” remarkt he, flingin it from him, “did the ijeot forgit
my teachins ez soon ez I left him, and take up with the
heresies uv that scoundrel, Calhoon?”
Duglis hed bin searchin, and next to the heart he found a
heavy package markt “Seceshn,” at wich they all started
back with uplifted hands, ez I've seed the play-actors do when
they see the ghost uv their dead mother.
“He wuz devoted to his country wen I started him,” sed
Jefferson.
“Him and me put our heel on seceshn wunst,” wept Jaxson.
“My friends,” sed Duglis, “I wuz the guardian uv the
deceest up to four yeers ago. He fell into bad hands in '52,
and got wild. He become quarrelsome, graspin, and at the
same time dissipatid. I tried to keep him strate, but in vane.
Sich men ez Bookannon and Peerse hed more inflooence with
him than I, and they led him astray. He squandered all the
estate yoo left him, the valuable part uv wich wuz bought in
by a concern at the hed uv wich is A. Lincoln, uv my State,
who, by makin a proper use uv it, is doin a good biznis. To
save him, I endorst for him in '60, but he bustid me, and sellin
all that he had left, he went into the employ uv the Calhoon
concern, wich wuz jest startin up, ez I left, and I am pained to
say that he contracted to do all their dirty work. It wuz that
wich killed him.”
“Bury the cuss — he stinks!” exclaimed they all in chorious,
the noise whereof awoke me.
I feel thankful that we modern Dimekrats see Jefferson,
Jaxson, and sich, only in dreams.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
