107. CVII.
PRESIDES AT A CHURCH TRIAL.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
June 9, 1866.
They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday,
wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and
the tearin down uv the temple we hev reared with so much
care and hev guarded with so much solissitood. When I say
“we,” I mean the members thereof, ez the church wuz
reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soldiers and
sich Dimekrats ez remained at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez
I am the only reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these
parts I ginerly conduct the services, and hentz hev insensibly
fell into a habit uv speakin uv the church ez “my” church,
and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal and temporal welfare
that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its pastor, wich
I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the Corners,
wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wich
President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for,
persistently refooses to remove.
The case wuz suthin like this: —
Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in
broad daylite, with no attempt at concealment, drank with a
nigger, and a free nigger at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to
prove the charge Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker.
The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez
follows: —
“Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks
with Deekin Slather. Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and
hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz
modritly certin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't
beg. Wus hevin a little discussion with him — the Deekin insistin
that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv the best
two in three, jest as though a man cood afford to play five
games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard
of, and ther ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz
settlin the dispoot in regler orthodox style — he hed his fingers
twisted in my neck handkercher, and I hed a stick uv stove
wood suspended over his head. While in this position we wuz
transfixed with horror at seein Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm
with a nigger, and, —
The Court. — Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?
Witness. — Certainly.
The Court. — The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.
Witness. — They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm,
walked up to the bar, and drank together.
By the Court. — Did they drink together?
Witness. — They ondeniable did.
By myself. — The Court desires to know what partikeler
flooid they absorbed.
Witness. — Can't say — spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey
— that's all he's got, ez the Court very well knows.
By myself. — The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and
procoor the identicle bottle from which this wretched man,
who stands charged with thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring
it hither. The Court desires to know for herself whether it
was really whisky. The pint is an important one for the Court
to know.
A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood
by the Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however,
brought, and the Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it
wuz really and trooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated
my parched throat, I wished the trials based upon that bottle
cood be perpetocal.
I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram
what palliation he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity
uv the crime, and showed him that he was by this course
sappin the very foundashun uv the Church and the Democratic
party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger
equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that
Ham wuz cust by Noah, and wuz condemned to be a servant
unto his brethren — that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy
wuz built upon that idea, and that associatin with him in
any shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them up
to our standard or lowerin ourselves to theirn; in either case
the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother Pogram to make a
clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receive sich
punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more.
“Speak up, Brother Pogram,” sez I, paternally, and yet severely.
Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the
wealthiest member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't
expel, replied, —
“That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more,
he wuz justified in doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE
WHISKY!!”
“But, shoorly,” I remarked, “it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose
to come in with the nigger arm-in-arm, — a attitood wich
implies familiarity, ef not affeckshun.”
The Prisoner. — The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers
for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took
the nigger by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd
dodge without payin. They are slippery.
Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst
dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous.
“My brethren,” sez I, “the action uv Brother Pogram is not
only justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun.
Ham wuz cust by Noah, and condemned by him to serve his
brethren. The nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are
the descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noah hed a clear rite
to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the balance uv the
boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it is
clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our
wants. So it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power,
interfered and delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we
do? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by financeerin.
We can't any longer compel the nigger to furnish us the
means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we are
justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used
to do with whips and dorgs. The spectacle uv Brother
Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that nigger wuz a
sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv
the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter
where skill wuz required, thus demonstratm the sooperiority
uv the Anglo-Saxon mind — he led him a captive, and made uv
him a spoil. Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play
with for drinks! The case is dismissed, the costs to be paid
by the complainant!”
The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez
it resulted, is a new and strong abutment — a tall and strong
tower.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
