170. CLXX.
MR. NASBY GOES TO NEW YORK AND ESTABLISHES
HIMSELF IN BUSINESS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December 31, 1868.
The undersigned hez made a great leap. He located in
Noo York in pursooance uv an ijee wich he hez cherished long.
His career in Noo York wuz brilliant ef it was short. It lastid
twenty-four consecutive hours, that being the average length
uv time a honist man kin exist in that city. One of the classic
poits speeks uv the awkardnis uv bein in hell without claws;
hed he substitooted Noo York for hell he wood hev hit it
closer.
The citizens uv the Corners held a consultation ez to wat
wuz to be done with me when A. Johnson shood shuffle orf
the mortal coil uv offishal life. I broacht to em my ijee uv
goin to Noo York, to wich they acceeded with an alacrity wich
wuz not so complementary ez it mite hev bin. I thot I detectid
in ther eagernis to pervide for me, at a distance, more
uv a desire to get rid uv me than a solissitood for my wellbein.
Indeed, when Deekin Pogram askt “Wher shel we fix
him?” Bascom onfeelingly remarkt, “Anywher — anywher!”
But sich is life. Republics hev alluz bin ungrateful. Homer
begged his bread, and A. Johnson wuzn't nominated for the
Presidency by the Dimocricy.
When I statid that I desired to go to Noo York, and that all
that prevented it wuz capital enuff to start a grosery, Bascom
to-wunst remarkt that that shoodn't stand in the way.
“I mite ez well give you two barrils to-wunst,” sed he, “and
be done with it, ez to hev yoo prolong it, a drink at a time, for
six months. Indeed it wood be more economical, ez it wood
save me the labor uv drawin it. I give two barrils uv whisky
to git rid uv — that is, to establish — our friend in a new field
uv labor.”
McPelter and Pennibacker contributid money enuff to pay
the freight onto the likker, and to provide the necessary fixters
for a bar, and that nite I left the Corners, hopin never to be
compelled to return. But feelin the truth uv the proverb that
there's many a slip betwixt the cup and lip, I didn't resine
the Post Offis, but lockt it, leavin directions with the boy
who carries the mail to leave Deekin Pogram's paper at his
house.
On my way to Noo York I indulged in the most pleasin
dreams. I fancied myself behind my own bar; gittin my
own likker at wholesale; uv hevin a back room into wich
caucuses shood be held; hevin a suffishent run uv biznis, and
the consekent control uv enuff votes to be on speakin terms
with Governor Huffman and Mayor Hall; uv bein nominatid
for Alderman; uv havin contrax; uv buildin a house on Fifth
Avenoo, and bein a ginooine Noo York aristocrat; uv havin
my carriage, with the coat uv arms uv the Nasby family onto
the panels; uv goin to Congris, in the place uv Morrisy, and
so on. It wuz a lovely dream, but I wuz destined to a sad
awakenin.
I rentid a grosery store in a convenient corner uv 6th Ward,
and put over it, in bold letters, the legend, “Michael O'Nasby,”
with the harp wich wunst thro Tara's halls, its sole uv moosic
shed, paintid conspicyous; and bein a troo Amerikin, I hed the
green flag uv ould Ireland paintid rite above the Stars and
Stripes.
[ILLUSTRATION]
NASBY DREAMS HE IS A GENUINE NEW YORK ARISTOCRAT. Page 552.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. Several men sitting around a table drinking from champagne glasses.]
In two days I wuz ready for biznis. My establishment reely
looked well. I hed my two barrils conveniently mounted; I
hed thirty glasses in a pan; and a plate uv crackers back uv
em, to show, merely, ez no one yooses them in the 6th Ward.
In the mean time I hed made many pleasant acquaintances.
Two Aldermen and four or five gentlemen connected with the
city government hed lookt in, and interdoosed theirselves, and
exprest theirselves pleased at my comin. Bein a stranger in
the city, they gave some valuable advise.
“The first thing to do,” sed one uv em, “is to make acquaintances.
I wood suggest that you hev a formal openin.
We will, ef the idea strikes yoo, take the trouble to invite a
few friends in, say to-nite, to save you the trouble, that you
may establish yourself. Is it a go?”
Overjoyed, I remarked, “Certainly.” Fatal remark! That
remark, short ez it wuz, wuz my undooin. My friends come,
and with em their friends, to the number uv perhaps thirty. I
rejoist when I saw em. There wuzent a whole pair uv pants
in the party, and a more gorgeous assortment uv noses eyes
never rested onto. Every man uv em wuz a staunch Dimokrat,
and ez they looked at them freshly tapped barrels, they
swore eternal love for me.
Uv course I invited them to take a drink, wich invitashen
wuz responded to with alacrity.
My friends, the Aldermen, immejitly insisted that the party
drink with them. Joyfully I sot out the tumblers, the Aldermen
drinkin out uv tin cups, with the remark that they wuzn't
proud. The cup held more'n three tumblers. Immejitly one
uv the gentlemen who wuz connected with the city government
remarkt, “Set em up!” wich I did, they insistin that I
drink with em every time. Then one uv the friends insistid
that it wuz his time; then another, and another, and another.
By this time I wuz off my balence. Bascom hed not watered
the whiskey, supposin I knew enuff about keepin bar to do it,
and I hed not done it, sposin that he had done it. In my frenzy
I invited all uv em to take suthin, and then the rest seemes to
me like a horrid dream. I remembered frantically insistin on
everybody drinkin with me; I remember the crowd kept
growin bigger and bigger; the Aldermen and two uv the
gentlemen connected with the city government vaulted behind
the bar, and actid ez dispensers, I hevin rolled conveniently
under the bar, and then conshusnis left me.
I awoke in the mornin — I alluz do — but wat an awakenin!
The doors wuz open; there wuz not a drop of likker in the
house; the friends, the Aldermen, and the gentlemen connectid
with the city government, hed stolen the tumblers, the barrils,
and all the moveables in the institooshen; it wuz ez bare ez
the Treasury wuz after Bookannan retired from offis! They
hed even stolen the sign over the door and the stove out uv
the room, my boots, hat, and coat.
Ez a matter of course I coodn't start agin. I not only had
no whiskey, but I hed nothin to pour it out into. I wuz bustid.
My openin wuz altogether too gorgeous. It wood hev ansered
hed I possessed the capital to start agin, but that I lacked.
Agin I wuz floored for want uv means. Agin my impecuniosity
prevented me from makin a rise in the world. How long,
oh, how long, shel I be thus hampered!
I shel never divulge how I got back to the Corners. I shel
never wring the public buzzum with a narrashen uv the trials
and troubles uv that long walk! I shel never recount how I
wuz ignominously tumbled off uv cars; how I hed to gobble
at free lunches, et setry. Suffise it to say I got home at
last.
But I shel not stay here. My failyoor in Noo York shel not
deter me. I shel go back there. With sich a constittooency
at one's back, and so much wealth to tax, it must be a good
field for me. I shel try it agin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
