165. CLXV.
THE CHICAGO CONVENTION. — MR. NASBY GETS
ON A HEAVY DISGUST.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 24, 1868.
I wuz at Chicago one day. My ears wuz stunned with 'rors
for Grant; the bands wuz all playin the Star Spangled Banner
and sich, and even the street organ grinders hed attooned their
lyres to the same Ablishun melodies.
On my arrival I askt a vishus boy (wich I knowd wuz Dimekratic,
from the fact that his little shirt wood hev hung out uv
his little pants ef he'd hed any shirt), ef he cood show me
where the Ablishun Convenshun wuz a holdin itself.
“Certinly I kin,” sed he. “It's in that yer bildin,” pintin
to a ruther gorgus edifice with a steeple to it.
I entered it, and wuz surprised at the fewness uv the delegates
on the floor, and at ther pecoolyer appearance. They
didn't look like delegates to any Convenshun I hed ever attended.
Ther noses wuzn't uv the color I hed ben accustomed
to. They wuz all solemn lookin chaps, with gold spectacles,
black coats, high foreheds, and white neckerchers.
At this pint I turned to a man sittin beside me, and in an
undertone askt wich wuz ahed on the last ballot, Colfax or
Wade?
“Sir,” sed he, “are yoo a Johnson postmaster?”
“I am,” sed I, defiantly. “How didst determine that pint?”
“By yoor breath,” sed he. “Yoor mistaken in the place,
my friend. This is a Methodist Conference.”
That wicked and perverse boy hed intenshnelly deceeved me.
Unable to obtane admission into the Opera House, I whiled
away the rosy hours a visitin the delegashen rooms. The Ingeany
delegashen offered me water when I intimated I wuz
athirst. The Ohio delegashen knew me on site and rekested
me to dust, and the Californy delegashen, uv wich I expected
better things, hed the impudence to offer me wine! Wine!
Wine! to feed sich a nose ez I carry about. Wine to satisfy
the cravins uv sich a stumick ez mine! Faugh! Disgusted
at the thinness uv the beverages, I retired into a friendly hostelry
kept by Dennis O'Shaughnessey, and at his hospitable
bar, solaced myself with three fingers uv Kentucky sustenance.
There wuz no enthoosiasm among the citizens uv Chicago
wich I naterally fell among. The s'loon keepers, wich in remembrance
uv the Demokratic Convenshun uv 1864 had made
extra preparashuns, wuz gloomy, sad, and disappointed. These
places, garnisht for the occasion, wuz sad and lonely. There
wuz an entire absence uv that gentle gurgle wich to me is so
pleasin; there wuz none uv the generous noses and faces
lighted up with the radiance born uv the barl, wich I am so
accustomed to.
It's the last Republican convenshen I shel ever attend. The
idea uv a confrence sittin in the same city with a convenshen!
The idea uv minglin politics with religion! Will there be
confrences in Noo York in Jooly?
On my return, we wuz a settin in Bascom's a discussin
the nominashens. Deekin Pogram wuz indignant. “Good
Heavens!” said he, with horror in his sainted face, “kin it be
that men perfessin nashnel views wood offer sich a insult to
Kentucky ez to nominate sich a man ez Grant, who, sword in
hand, devastated her fertile fields, and piled the bodies of her
nootral sons who resisted his advance mountains high? Kin
it be that —”
“Easy, Deekin,” replied I; “stiddy! stiddy! Don't take a
posishen rashly. It ain't improbable that we may hev to nominate
Hancock, or some other soljer. In that event — but I've
sed enuff.”
“Well, at all evence,” sed the Deekin, “it's a most hoomiliatin
thing to hev thrown in our faces a infamous proposishen to
pay a debt inkurred in a infamous attempt to subjoogate us —
to pledge our labor to pay a debt unconstitooshnally inkurred,
and un —”
“Deekin,” sed I, “yoor zeel I do admire, but yoor reely
indiscreet. It may be found necessary in order to carry Noo
York to nominate Belmont's man, who will be pledged to this
very thing. Go a little slow.”
“Well, however that may be, it's a burnin shame to throw
into Kentucky's face a Abolishnist — two uv em in fact —
and —”
“Deekin” (I spoke this time severely), “yoor very indiscreet
to-day. It's possible, and I may say probable, that that noble
patriot, Cheef Justice Chase, who hez bin a friteful Ablishnist,
and who, ef he runs, will, for obvius reasons, make us swaller
at the beginnin a porshen uv his heresies, may be our candidate.
Say nothin, Deekin, that yoo'l hev to take back.”
Feelin that rite here wuz a splendid chance for an improvin
discourse on the nacher, objicks, and aims uv Democracy, I
opened out onto em.
“Dimocrisy,” I remarkt, “is distinguished cheefly for its
elasticity in adaptin means to ends. One wood suppose that
Postoffis is its cheef end. In one sense it is. Dimocrisy is
willin to sacrifice anything wich it hez for Postoffis. It mite
raise Deekin Pogram's ire to sejest the nominashen uv Hancock,
on akkount uv his slawterins, or Belmont's candidate on
akkount uv his insistin on payin off the Nashnel debt, or Chase,
who hez bin in his day suspected uv bein tainted with Ablishinism.
But, my brethring, let it be remembered that success is
the main objick. Success is wat Bascom wants, that I, bein
continyood in offis, may hev the means to pay for the likker I
consoom, and to avoid the necessity uv bein continyooally
rekested to chalk it down, which practis he esteems disgustin,
and one wich greatly increases his labors. Captain McPelter
wants success, that he may continyoo to hev Assessors, Collectors
and Revenoo offisers with wich he kin divide the profits
uv the $2.00 tax on the whisky he makes, and Deekin Pogram
wants success that he may hev his niggers agin, or at least
that he may hev the privilege uv hirin em for $4 per month,
deductin 25 cents per day for each day's absense, without no
Burow offiser or other military satrap hangin about to molest
or make afraid. Success is the main pint, and ef Hancock is
the way, walk ye in it; ef Chase or Seymour is the way, walk
ye ditto, for with either uv these men all these things we'll
hev. When they come to us they leeve ther former selves
behind.
But methinks I hear one say, Hancock is a soljer, Seymour
a anti-repudiator, and Chase a Ablishnist! Wat uv that?
They may be wat they like when they go into offis, — assosiashen
with us fetches em sooner or later. The road down is a
easy one to travel. It's easier to slide than to climb, wich is
the reason why so many more are damned than saved. Democracy,
like Bascom's new likker, holds a man when it gits
him. Johnson wuz a good enuff Ablishnist till he called onto
us for help, and then he wuz lost. Let Chase stay with us a
week and he'd forgit all his old ideas, yoo bet. Shood yoo
poke that silver pitcher at him the niggers give him at Cincinnati,
for defendin a fugitive, and he'd swear like Peter he never
saw it — only differin from Peter in that he'd stick to it. And
there is no goin back, for the principal ones. Ther remorse
kind o' drives em deeper and deeper, till they finally are worse
than ez tho they originally wuz uv us. Let us, my brethren,
never reject any help we kin git. Let it come in any shape
and from any source, it'll finally assimilate to us and be uv us.
Ez I conclooded my remarks, my circle all agreed that it wuz
safe to take whatever we cood git from the enemy, and we
retired, I feelin that whatever other localities mite do, the
Corners wuz safe. Wat an outrage it is, though, that the Ablishnists
nominated sich a man for Vice-President ez to make
Grant perfectly safe from bein removed ez Linkin wuz. Ef
he's elected he'll serve out his time sure.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
