124. CXXIV.
THE AMNESTY PROPOSITION. — THE CROSS ROADS
MADE THE VICTIM OF A CRUEL HOAX.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 3, 1866.
[1]
I never wuz so elevated, nor never so cast down, in my life,
ez last nite, and the entire Corners wuz ditto. The circumstances
uv the case wuz ez follows: Me and a party uv friends
wuz a playin draw poker with a Noo York commershel travler,
I believe they call em, a feller with a mustash and side whiskers,
wich comes South a talkin secesh and a sellin goods. He
made some inquiries about the standin uv the deelers at the
Corners, and wuz, arter sed inquiries, eggstreemly anxious to
sell em goods, for cash. They wanted em on ninety days' time,
and on this they split. He agreed with em in principle — he
drank to Jeff Davis, and damned Linkin flooently — but on the
cash question he wuz inflexible and unmovable. To while
away the rosy hours, a knot of choice sperits, him inclooded,
gathered in the Post Orfis, to enjoy a game uv draw poker.
There wuz me and Square Gavitt, and Deekin Pogram, and
Elder Slathers, and the Noo York drummer. We played till
past the witchin hour of 12 M., when graveyards yawn and
gosts troop forth — when the New Yorker suckumd. His
innocent, unseasoned bowels hedn't bin eddicated up to the
standard uv Kentucky whiskey, wich, new ez we drink it, is
pizen to foreigners. The Deekin and Elder grabbed the stakes
wich wuz onto the table, and rifled his pockets on the suspishen
that he wuz a Ablishinist, and rolled him out, and while in the
very act, Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, cum rushin in, askin
us ef we'd heerd the news.
We ansered yoonanimusly that we hedn't.
“I'm jist in from Looisville,” sed he; “I jist rode over from
the stashen. Looisville is in a blaze uv glory!”
“Wat,” sez I, “hez Sumner killed Thad Stevens and immejitly
committed sooicide?”
“Nary,” sez he, “but Johnson and Congress hev cum together
on the basis uv universal Amnesty, wich wuz proclaimed
yesterday, to be follered by universal suffrage ez soon ez the
South kin conveniently do it. They hev met and embraced on
Horris Greely's plan.”
Deekin Pogram bust into a hysterical laff, and in his joy
handed me the proceeds uv his explorashen uv the pockets uv
the Noo Yorker, and like a blessed old lunatic broke for the
meetin-house. In a moment or two the bell pealed forth its
joyous notes, and in a minit more the half-dressed villagers
wuz seen emergin from their respective domiciles in all stiles
uv attire. A few minits sufficed to make them understand wat
wuz the occasion uv the uproar, and a more enthoosiastic population
never woke the ekkoes. Afore five minutes hed rolled
off into eternity, ther wuz a bonfire blazin on the North side
uv the square, the sed bonfire bein a nigger skool-house wich
the Freedmen's Commishn hed erected, and wich our enthoosiastic
citizens hed in their delirium uv joy set fire to. It was
emblematic. The smoke ez it rolled to the South methawt
assoomed the shape uv a olive branch — the cry uv the nigger
children wich coodent escape, symbolized their desertid condishn,
and the smell uv em, ez they roasted, wuz like unto
incense, grateful to our nostrils.
A informal meetin wuz to-wunst organized by the lite of the
burnin skool-house, to wich Deekin Pogram addressed hisself.
He remarked that this wuz a solemn occasion, so solemn indeed
that he felt inadekate to express the feelins wich filled him.
His mouth wuzn't big enough to give vent to his sole, though
ef he didn't he'd bust. “Wat are we met for to-nite, my
friends?” sed he; “wat calls us together? Wherefore these
sounds uv joy — wherefore this fire, and wherefore is Bascom
sellin likker at half price? Becoz we are rehabilitated — that's
wat we are. Becoz the North hez gone into the olive branch
bizness agin, and we hev wunst more our rites. We are amnestied.
We kin vote — we kin go to Congress — we are agin
citizens uv the great Republic.”
Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, riz and begged permishn to
say a word. He protested agin these doins. He understood,
akkordin to Horris Greely's plan, that universal suffrage wuz
to follow universal amnesty — why then this makin John Rodgerses
uv the niggers? Wuz the South a goin to act in good
faith?
Deekin Pogram replied: The South never yit broke plighted
faith save when she cood make suthin by so doin. At this
present junkter uv affairs he presoomed the South wood extend,
not precisely universal suffrage to the niggers, but the way
wood be opened to em. Sich a mass uv ignorance cood never
be trusted with the ballot without preparashen, and to prepare
em wood be a overturnin the Kentucky theory, that the nigger
is a beast, and the Northern Demokratic idea that the nigger
wuz cust by Noer and doomed forever to be a slave.
“The gentleman from Illinoy will to-wunst perceive the fix
we are in. They ain't fit for the ballot now, and ef we make
em so, it overturns our theory, wich we can't do. Still we
propose to be just to em. We shel give sich uv em the ballot
ez are suffishently intellijent, and shel not put the standard too
high. We shel give every wun uv em the ballot who is able
to reed the Greek testament flooently and pass a credible examinashen
in Latin, embroidery, French, German, English
Grammar, and double-entry book-keepin. The path to the polls,
yoo see, is open to em. Uv course we can't be expectid to
tolerate skool-houses for em, coz that wood raise em above their
normal condishen. Also, ther must be proper regulashens controllin
em, for, my deer sir, they are mere infants, and ther
totterin steps on the road to freedom needs directing. Society
is a compromise in wich every one resigns ez much uv his
persnel liberty ez the good uv the hull may demand. We count
ourselves the hull, and the resinin uv persnel liberty must
come from them. “That nigger,” sed he, pintin to wun wich the
joyous citizens wuz stringin up to Bascom's sign-post, “that
nigger is a resinin his persnel freedom for the good of the hull.
No doubt in his heart he murmurs, and ef the cord wich is
chokin him cood be loosened, he wood repine. It is rough on
him; but the sooperiority uv the Caucashn race must be —
My God! it's one uv my niggers! Stop! Bascom, stop!”
ejakilated the Deekin, but it wuz too late. The nigger wuz
already black in the face and hed ceased to kick, and the
Deekin, heavin a sigh, perceeded.
“We shel scroopulously regard their rites. They shel hev
the rite to buy land, and be in all respecks like us, ez soon ez
they kin be trusted. Till then they will hev to be restrained.
There must be laws prohibitin em from receivin more than
$4.50 per month, that they may not become bloated aristocrats
and pampered sons uv luxury — the proper development of
the country, and likewise the payment of the Confedrit debt,
requires manuel labor, wich we wuz never edjucated to do, and
therefore the good of the whole requires that they shel resigne
their persnel liberty so fur ez to be confined to the plantashuns,
onto which they hev engaged to laber, that they may relijusly
do sed laber, which is cleerly nessary, for yoo see ef I hire a
nigger in Janooary, I must not be exposed to the chances uv
his quittin me in July. But wat more kin they want? They
are free to ez great a extent ez the good of society will permit.
We shel give em qualified suffrage, fixin, uv course, wich is
just, the qualifications ourselves, and bein valyooable members
of society, hereafter we shel care fur em, so long ez they are
healthy — Good Lord, why will them cusses persist in hangin
up able-bodied niggers when there's so many old ones around,
good for nuthin but to celebrate with?” and to save another
wun uv his former servants, the Deekin closed abruptly.
It is onnecessary to recount the further doins uv the nite.
There wuz a skool-house and church, recently erected, burnd,
with some skore or sich a matter uv young niggers in em,
which wuz too young to be of any yoose, save one girl, wich
wuz neerly white and almost fifteen, wich ought to hev bin
reskood, and five, ef I counted correctly, able-bodied men and
wimin wuz hung. Bascom sold out his stock entirely, and by
3 A. M. the entire inhabitance uv the Corners wuz a layin
around the square, in festoons.
There wuz a bitter awakenin to this scene uv festivity. At
a little after 7, while the Deekin, the Elder, and myself wuz in
Bascom's tryin to get an assuager — and the best we cood do
wuz to pour a quart uv water into a barrel wich hed bin emptied,
and roll it around and thus flavor it — Captain McPelter,
late uv Morgan's cavalry, cum in from Looisville. Eagerly we
asked him the confirmation uv the tidins, when he informed us
that it wuz a hoax — that no such thing had been done, nor
wuz Congris in any sich a noshen. Pollock dropped in, and
when I reproached him with his dooplicity, he ansered that it
wuz a hoax, but he hoped we'd excoose him. He hed a cravin
desire to see whether ef Amnesty and Suffrage shood be
adopted, how fur we'd go in the latter direction. He wuz
satisfied, and hoped we'd forgive him the pleasant jest. He'd
made the Corners lively one nite, any how. I wuz too profoundly
disgusted to reply to the wretch.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is postmaster).
