University of Virginia Library

93. XCIII.
A PLAN SUGGESTED FOR THE UP-BUILDING OF
THE DEMOCRACY.

Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It
beams onto me! It penetrates me! It fills me! Joy to the
world!

I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy.
I seed it yesterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills,
a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the
person uv the grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly
refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the
article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with.
He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many
virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I

hedn't so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore
the account mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust
time in my life, I bleeved in total depravity.

While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich
fell across my pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I
came onto a party of men borin for oil. Then the trooth flashed
over me. Their operations showed me the way to success —
the shoor path to triumph.

“When,” said I to myself, “when men seek gain they bore
for it. They go down — never up.” Even so with the Dimocrisy.
We dug downward, downward, downward, through all
the strata uv society. We went through the groceries; the
next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we
struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the
heft uv the people uv Noo Jersey; then Southern Illinoy and
Indiana; then Pike county, Missouri; and so on. We never
went upward for converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man
wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of
converts.

There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats
who wuznt born in the party hev slid down; to wit: —
Quarter dollar smiles. 15 cent nips. 10 cent drinks. 5 cent
sucks. A flat flask conceeled. A bottle openly. Dimocrisy.

We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we
hev now kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whisky
forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez
they begun to git on their feet they jined the Ablishnists.
Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to
dig into, and give up in disgust,

But I hev diskivered that lower stratum — I hev found it;
and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I
shouted Halleloogy! The nigger is the lower stratum; and
ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least,
a twenty years' lease uv power.

We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev the suffrage!
It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Century, in the
full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Declarashun which declares
all men “free and ekal,” that a large body uv men shood
be denied the glorious privilege uv bein taken up to the poles

and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he not taxed ez we
are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em
own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez
we is? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a
vote? Ah! why, indeed?

“But this is Ablishnism!” methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy
observe in horrer. “And why give them votes who
will use em agin us?”

My gentle friend, will they use their ballot agin us? Ef I
know myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write?
Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise?
Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich hez
alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skoolmaster
is a engine uv Ablishnism; every noosepaper is a cuss.
General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God there wuzn't
a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo spoze
a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite
ez him in Congress year after year?

Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin
representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will
hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than
afore the war; and them States we kin depend on.

But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers
ain't needed in the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand
will overbalance the Ablishn majority in Noo Jersey; fifty
thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number
will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is
saved — we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit
the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut
for us will break his own head.

Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from
Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite
bloomin Serious; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver,
or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He
shel lift me into a Post Orfis. We must give our Afrikin
brother, — for is he not a man and a brother? — not only the
suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give
it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill
into the Senate givin each family a quarter section uv land, a

pair uv mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin
brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want
him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two
hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second
thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the
bill, as the Senate hez got into sich a habit uv votin down
everything he proposes, that they'd slather this without considerin
it, on general principles.

Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll
take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin educate em up to
the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won't
do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin
afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.

Joyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new
temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers,
and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the
families uv all I hev met. It's rather hard for an orthodox
Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence.
But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez follered
the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a
triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious
results.