180. CLXXX.
MR. NASBY AT LAST LOSES HIS POST OFFICE.
On a Farm, Three Miles from Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 29, 1869.
The die is cast! The guilloteen hez fallen! I am no longer
Postmaster at Confedrit × Roads, wich is in the State uv
Kentucky. The place wich knowd me wunst will know me no
more forever; the paper wich Deekin Pogram takes will be
handed out by a nigger; a nigger will hev the openin uv letters
addressed to parties residin hereabouts, containin remittances;
a nigger will hev the riflin uv letters addrest to lottry
managers, and extractin the sweets therefrom; a nigger will
be. — But I can't dwell upon the disgustin theme no longer.
I hed bin in Washington two weeks assistin the Caucashens
uv that city to put their foot upon the heads uv the cussid
niggers who ain't content to accept the situashen and remain
ez they alluz hev bin, inferior beins. To say I hed succeeded,
is a week expreshen. I organized a raid onto em so effectooally
ez to drive no less than thirty uv em out uv employment,
twenty-seven uv wich wuz compelled to steel their bread, wich
give us a splendid opportoonity to show up the nateral cussidness
uv the Afrikin race, wich we improved.
On my arrival at the Corners, I knew to-wunst that suthin
wuz wrong. The bottles behind the bar wuz draped in black;
the barrels wuz festooned gloomily (wich is our yoosual method
of expressin grief at public calamities), and the premises generally
wore a funeral aspeck.
“Wat is it?” gasped I.
Bascom returned not a word, but waved his hand towards
the Post Offis.
Rushin thither, I bustid open the door, and reeled almost
agin the wall. At the general delivery wuz the grinnin
face uv a nigger! and settin in my chair wuz Joe Bigler,
with Pollock beside him, smokin pipes, and laffin over suthin
in a noosepaper.
[ILLUSTRATION]
THE GUILLOTINE HAS FALLEN ON POSTMASTER NASBY. Page 590.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. A man stands next to a guillotine
with his head held under his arm; an African American man stands behind
the guillotine holding a sign inscribed with the word "Commission." In
the background, a man stands on a barrel, crossing out Nasby's name on
the Post Master sign.]
Bigler caught site of me, and dartin out, pulled me inside
them hitherto sacred precinks.
“Permit me,” sed he, jeerinly, “to interdoose you to yoor
successor, Mr. Ceezer Lubby.”
“My successor! Wat does this mean?”
“Show him, Ceezer!”
And the nigger, every tooth in his head shinin, handed me a
commishn dooly made out and signed. I saw it all at a glance.
I hed left my biznis in the hands uv a depetty. It arrived the
day after I left, and Isaker Gavitt, who distribbited the mail,
gave it to the cuss. Pollock made out the bonds and went
onto em himself, and in ten days the commishn come all regler,
whereupon Bigler backt the nigger and took forcible possession
uv the office. While I wuz absent they hed hed a percession
in honor uv the joyful event, sed perceshn consistin uv
Pollock, Bigler, and the new Postmaster, who marched
through the streets with the stars and stripes, banners and
sich. Bigler remarkt that the percession wuzn't large, but it
wuz talented, eminently respectable, and extremely versateel.
He (Bigler) carried the flag and played the fife; Pollock
carried a banner with an inscripshen onto it, “Sound the loud
timbrel o'er Egypt's dark sea,” and played the bass drum;
while the nigger bore aloft a banner, inscribed, “Where Afric's
sunny fountins roll down the golden sands,” with his commission
pinned onto it, playin in addishen a pair uv anshent cymbals.
Bigler remarkt further that the perceshun created a
positive sensashun at the Corners, wich I shood think it wood.
“It wuzn't,” sed the tormentin cuss, “very much like the
grand percession wich took place when yoo received yoor
commishn. Then the whites at the Corners wuz elated, for
they spectid to git wat yoo owed em in doo time, and the niggers
wuz correspondinly deprest. They slunk into by-ways
and side-ways; they didn't hold up their heads, and they dusted
out ez fast ez they cood git. At this percession there wuz a
change. The niggers lined the streets ez we passed, grinnin
exultinly, and the whites wuz deprest correspondinly. It's
singler that at the Corners the two races can't feel good both
at the same time.”
My arrival hevin become known, by the time I got back to
Bascom's all my friends hed gathered there. There wuznt a
dry eye among em; and ez I thot uv the joys once tastid, but
now forever fled, mine moistened likewise. There wuz a visible
change in their manner towards me. They regarded me
with solisitood, but I cood discern that the solisitood wuz
not so much for me ez for themselves.
“Wat shel I do?” I askt. “Suthin must be devised, for I
can't starve.”
“Pay me wat yoo owe me!” ejakelatid Bascom.
“Pay me wat yoo owe me!” ejakelatid Deekin Pogram, and
the same remark wuz made by all uv em with wonderful yoonanimity.
Watever differences uv opinyun ther mite be on
other topics, on this they wuz all agreed.
“Gentlemen!” I commenced, backing out into a corner, “is
this generous? Is this the treatment I hev a right to expect?
Is this —”
I shood hev gone on at length, but jist at that minnit Pollock,
Joe Bigler, and the new Postmaster entered.
“I hev biznis!” sed the Postmaster; “not agreeable biznis,
but it's my offishel dooty to perform it.”
At the word “offishel,” comin from his lips, I groaned, wich
wuz ekkoed by those present.
“I hev in my hand,” continyood he, “de bond giben by my
predecessor, onto wich is de names uv George W. Bascom,
Elkanah Pogram, Hugh McPelter, and Seth Pennibacker, ez
sureties. In dis oder hand I hold a skedool ob de property
belongin to de 'partment wich wuz turned ober to him by his
predecessor, consistin of table, chairs, boxes, locks, bags, et
settry, wid sundry dollars worf of stamps, paper, twine, &c.
None ob dis post offis property, turned over to my predecessor
by his predecessor, is to be found in de offis, and de objick ob
dis visit is to notify yoo dat onless immejit payment be made
uv the amount thereof, I am directed by de 'partment to bring
soot to-wunst against the sed sureties.”
Never before did I so appreciate A. Johnson, and his
Postmaster-General Randall. Under their administrashen
wat Postmaster wuz ever pulled up for steelin anythin?
Eko ansers. This wuz the feather that broke the camel's
back.
“Wat!” exclaimed Bascom, “shel I lose wat yoo owe me,
and then pay for wat yoo've stole?”
“Shel I lose the money,” sed Pogram, “wich I lent yoo, and
in addishen pay a Ablishen government for property yoo've
confiscated?”
“But the property is here,” I remarkt to Bascom; “yoo've
got it all. Why not return it, and save all this trouble.”
“Wat wood I hev then for the whiskey yoo've consoomed?”
he ejakelated vishusly. “It's all I've ever got from you; and
I've bin keepin yoo for four years.”
“Didn't that property pay yoo for the likker?” I asked; but
Bascom wuz in no humor for figgers, and he pitched into me,
at wich pleasant pastime they all follered soot. But for Joe
Bigler, they wood hev killed me. Ez it wuz they blackt both
my eyes, and rolled me out onto the sidewalk, shuttin the door
agin me.
Ez I heard that door slam to, I felt that all wuz lost. No
offis! no money! and Bascom's closed agin me! Kin there be
a harder fate? I passed the nite with a farmer three miles
out, who, bein sick, hedn't bin to the Corners, and consekently
knowd nothin uv the changes.
I heard the next day the result uv the ruckshun. Bascom
returned sich uv the property ez hedn't been sold and consoomed,
wich consisted uv the boxes. The chairs hed bin
broken up in the frekent shindies wich occur at his place; the
locks hed bin sold to farmers who yoozed em on their smoke
houses; the bags hed bin sold for wheat, and so on. The
stamps, paper, twine, and sich, figgered up three hundred and
forty-six dollars, wich wuz three hundred more dollars than
there wuz in the Corners. Bascom advanced the forty-six dollars,
and the three hundred wuz borrowed uv a banker at
Secessionville, who took mortgages on the farms uv the imprudent
bondsmen for sekoority. Uv course I can't go back to
the Corners under eggsistin circumstances. It wood be uncomfortable
for me to live there ez matters hev terminated. I
shel make my way to Washinton, and shel see if I can't git
myself electid ez Manager of a Labor Assosiation, and so make
a livin till there comes a change in the Administrashen. I
wood fasten myself on A. Johnson, but unforchnitly there ain't
enuff in him to tie to. I would ez soon think uv tyin myself
to a car wheel in a storm at sea.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Post Master).
