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The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby

embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings, likewise his views of men and things : together with the lectures "Cussid be Canaan," "The struggles of a conservative with the woman question," and "In search of the man of sin"
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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XXXVIII. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF A MILITARY MAN.
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108

Page 108

38. XXXVIII.
OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF A MILITARY MAN.

I notice in the Dimekratik papers a desire to make General
Micklellan or General Grant our nominee for the Presidency.
Sooisidel ijee! I pertest!

Time hezn't tetched my flowin locks with frost, and furrowd
my massive brow for nothin. Peopil hev sumtimes doubted
my honesty, but my talence, never. I don't alluz pay, but I
never failed in borrerin — wich is useful. Therefore I throw
myself into the breech, and demand a hearin.

I am inflexibly opposed to Micklellan's nominashen. I hev
faith in the soundnis uv his Dimokrasy, but none watever in his
ability. Look at it. He wuz placed in a posishen to help the
Dimokrasy, but instid, he (by weaknis) well nigh rooind it. He
hed under his control 180,000 Abolishnists. A man uv genius
wood hev destroyed em all, whareas he only sunk about the half,
leavin the rest to live and vote agin us. A nominee uv the
Dimokrasy must be a man able to control other men. Is he
sich? Not any. Did he not let that born devil, Hooker, and
Kerny, and Mansfeeld (who wuz killed, halleloogy!) brake
away and fite our Suthrin brethren at Anteetum and elsewher,
killin jest ez many Suthern Dimekrats ez wuz killed uv the
Ablishnists? Troo, he stopt it ez soon ez he cood. Troo, him
and Fitsjon Porter laid out Pope, and kep him from beetin our
Suthern frends. Troo, he did Linkin ez much hurt, and Davis
ez much good, ez wuz in him; but the work he mite hev dun
wuz only half dun. His ijee wuz not our ijee. His stratejy
wuz to shashay backerds and forerds, until both sides wuz
eggsaustid, and then patch up a compermise. We wantid
Linkin histid to wunts; and hed ther been a proper understandin
atwixt him and Lee, Jefferson Davis mite hev bin in
the White House, and we, the pure Dimokrasy, mite not only
hev hed the post-orifises, but hev bin a revelin on the confisticatid
estaits uv Abolishnists, wich wood hev bin constooshnel.


109

Page 109
I hed my egle eye fixt on a sheep-farm uv 360 akers; but, alas!
I got it not. Then the iron entered my sole! Then I cust
the imbecility uv the man who swindled me out uv the farm I
longed for. I'll none uv him. Avant!

Ez for Grant, my sole rekoils with horror at the bare ijee.
Wat! nominate a man whose willin sord drips with the gory
life-blud uv unwillin Dimekratik saints! Never! Forbid it,
hevin! Marry the gentle virgin Peace to a soljer drenchd in
goar! I, Nasby, forbid the bans!

The trooth is, we air gittin wild. A man can't look two
ways without doin violence to his organs uv vishen. Ef persistid
in, he'd bekum cross-eyed. We commenst with our
faces southward. Ther our hope lies. Let us keep our eyes
that way. Ef we nominate a war man, and turn a back
spring onto a war platform, wat better air we than the Gentiles?
Sech jimnastics are purty to see, but they rench the
jimnastist.

No! let us go on ez we begun. Ez peace men, our case is
not hopeless. The new and unconstooshnel tax onto whisky
keeps the orthodox Dimokrasy strate (tho at our expense), and
a lucky Confedrit victry in the spring wood turn the week-kneed
war men into peace howlers. Good hevins! air we
insane? Shel we throw away sech weapins ez taxis, conscripshen,
nigger, free speech, et settry, and bow the knee to
Linkin? Never!

Wat we want is these:

1. A peace man for a candidait.

2. More marters. Ef the outrajed Vallandigum, and Jessee
Brite, and George E. Pugh wood, for the good uv the party,
consent to be driven to desprashen by the tyranny uv the
Administrashen, and commit sooicide, it wood be a trump card
for us. What movin appeals we cood make over ther dead
bodies. I'll rite to em on the subgik.

3. The formashen uv Aid Societis to defray the expensis uv
the campane, wich will be enormus, owin to the tax on
whisky.

4. Confedrit victrys, and lots uv em, wich not only kills off
Ablishn voters, but disheartens the war men north.


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Page 110

5. The libral preechin uv a pure gospil, untaintid with
Ablishnism.

With these we kin win ez easy ez I used to turn jack from
the bottom, wen I wuz in a state uv unregenerashen.

A peace Dimekrat for President! O, happy thot! The forrin
mishns! The custom-houses! The post-orfises! In short,
the treasury! Let us be wise, and these is ourn.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.