188. CLXXXVIII.
MR. NASBY ATTEMPTS TO GET POSSESSION OF
THE NEGRO VOTE.
Harp uv Erin S'loon, in the Sixth Ward, }
Noo York, April 12, 1870.
The Noo York World, in a recent ishoo, remarkt that the
Nigger vote must come to us, becoz the Dimocrisy had alluz
hed success in managin the ignerant and degradid classes.
This determined us to set about sekoorin the vote uv the nigger
populashen in our ward immejitly. Father McGrath insisted
that it be done to-wunst, becoz the minit they become
Dimokrats the way wuz paved for their comin under the speritooal
direckshen uv the Catholic Church; Timmy McGee insisted
that it shood be done bocoz the element, ef opposed to
us, mite become dangerous; Timmy O'Ryan, becoz we hed
either to incorporate em into our ranks or kill em, and he
didn't beleeve it wood pay to raise another riot jist now; and
I wantid em attached to our party becoz I wantid em in front
uv my bar reglerly.
We decided that the shoorest way to git at em wood be to
git one nigger interestid with us, who wood serve ez a decoy
duck to bring in the others. We wantid a nigger to assoshate
with; to embrace and sich; to show other niggers that we
cood and wood affilyate with em. We hed a terrible time a
gittin uv it startid, however. We got one uv that race in my
back room, and attempted to argoo the questions uv the hour
with him, confident in our ability to crush him by facts into
submishen to our doctrines, but the mizable devil pulled out
uv his pockit a copy uv the Constooshn, and askt Teddy the
Lifter to read and constroo a sentence therein, which finisht
that pertikler effort. Teddy, and Patsy O'Rourke, and Micky
Doolan, who hed him in hand, startid back at the site uv that
book ez tho they hed been shot.
The cuss cood read, and
wat cood any uv em do with sich a man?
We caught a sick nigger, and hed him in tow three days.
We nussed him, and fed him, and hed in a doctor for him,
wich doctor give him medicine and Dimocrisy in ekal doses,
all uv wich he seeminly gulped down with ease. We got him
on the skore uv gratitood, and he went away, promisin that he
wood jine us, but the second day he came back, and laid down
on the bar twenty dollars, with the remark that that sum wood
pay for all the cost and trouble we hed been to on his
account.
“What do yoo mean?” sed I, sternly, sweepin the money
into the drawer, however, to make sure uv that.
Bustin into a paroxysm uv teers, he remarkt that ez low and
mean a nigger ez he wuz, he coodent reely jine us. It wuz unfair
in us, he sed, to take advantage uv his illness to put him
under obligashens to us.
“I can't be a Dimokrat,” he sobbed, claspin his hands piteously,
“I can't, reely. I hev a gray-haired mother livin, and
a younger sister! I can't! I can't! for I'm spectably connected!”
And he rushed out. It wuz forchnit for him that I wuz
alone at that time.
All our efforts to sekoor a Ethiopian to our standard seemed
to come to naught, and we wuz just on the confines uv despair,
when one mornin Johnny O'Shoughnessy came rushin in, exclaimin,
“I've got it — I've got it!”
“Got wat?” I askt.
“The nigger we want. In the Polece Court there's a nigger
up for drunkenness, vagrancy, steelin, assault and battery,
and some other things, and ez he hezn't a blasted cent, uv
course he'll be sent up in short metre. We kin git him shoor,
ef we go about it quickly. I got the Judge to hold on a bit
till I cood see you.”
To-wunst I seed a lite. Rushin frantically down to the
court-room, I gave myself ez bail for his appearance, wich the
Judge, who is a politikle friend of mine, acceptid, without
question, and seezin the nigger by the coat collar, I hustled
him off to my place in triumph. Tim Doolan spoke up.
“Will yoo,” sez Tim, “ef we get yoor discharge, promise to
alluz vote the Dim —”
“Hold!” sez I quickly, for I wuz afeerd Tim's thoughtless
precipitancy mite rooin all. “Hold! He ain't in condishen to
hev that question put to him. Wait a minnit. I understand
wat's required to make a convert better than yoo do.”
And seezin a bottle from behind the bar I put it to his lips.
The nigger drank with a eagernis wich gave me hope. Teddy
spoke up agin, —
“Will yoo promise to alluz vote —”
“Hold!” sed I. “He hain't enough. Drink!”
And the nigger emptied the bottle.
“Now,” sed I, “are yoo willin to promise to alluz vote the
Dimocratic tikkit; to labor with your colored brethren to
bring em into the fold uv the Dimocrisy, and to do your level
best to promote the interests uv the Dimocratic party, now and
forever?”
The nigger, by this time crazy drunk (the likker wuz from
my own private bottle and unwatered), swore that he would
promise all this. “Gib me some mo' dat whiskey,” he shrieked.
I gave him another bottle, and in fifteen minits he wuz
sleepin the deep sleep wich the tite man only knows.
In about four hours he awoke, and I thought it time to approach
him on the main question.
“Ceezer,” I remarkt, “you must commence yoor work to-nite.
We shel git up a meetin uv colored men at this place
for the purpose uv organizin a Colored Democratic Club, and
you must address em.”
“Must I indoose em to jine a Dimocratic Club?” he asked.
“Certinly.”
“Did I promise to do it?”
“Certinly,” I replied; “and, my buck, yoo'd better keep that
promise or I'll hev yoo back in the dock at the Polece Court
in a jiffy.”
“I'll do it,” sed he, with the desperate air uv one who hed
determined that life ain't worth livin for, and is prepared for
anything. “I'll do it, but I must hev likker enuff to drown my
con — wich is to say, give me nerve.”
“Certinly,” I replied, “all the likker you want, but speek
yoo must.”
The nite come, and there wuz a decent show uv niggers in
the back room. But the speeker! Alas! he wuz too far gone
to speek, and I hed to dismiss em.
The next mornin he swore he never wood do it; and to git
him to the pint uv consentin I give him more likker, and he
got drunk again, and so on it went, all the week. The fix we
wuz in wuz suthin like this: —
1. We coodent approach a nigger who hed any standin or
inflooense.
2. When we capcherd sich a wun, he woodent hev anything
to do with us when he wuz sober; and to hold him, we hed to
keep him drunk.
3. When drunk enuff to stay with us, he wuz too drunk to
do wat we wantid.
After squandrin on this poor wretch at least a half barrel
of ez good likker ez ever soothed my shrinkin sole, I wuz compelled
to hev him re-arrested and sent up for a year or two. I
coodent stand no sich drain on my finances, nor cood I bear to
see so much likker wastid on a nigger.
The cuss took his sentence joyfully. “It's hard,” he sed,
“but it's better than wat yoo perposed.”
This nigger question is the problem uv the age. How it
will be solved puzzles me. May Heaven send us wisdom.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
