181. CLXXXI.
MR. NASBY RECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS
STEADFAST FRIEND.
Pepper's Tavern, Holmes Co., O., }
August 22, 1869.
I left the Corners the day after I lost my position, and,
without any speshal purpose, wandered up into my old stampin
grounds in Ohio. I wuz received with a corjality wich affected
me profoundly. Them wich hed bin turned out uv offises cood
sympathize with me, and them wich hed never got em, felt it
still more deeply, ez they eggsaggerate the benefit to be
derived from offishl posishen, and actilly wonder how a man
wich ever held an offis kin survive decapitashen.
I hed no difficulty in borrowin enuff dollars uv the sturdy
yeomanry uv this section to not only keep me afloat here for
a time, but to pervide again a passage through an Ablishn
country, ef sich need be. My expenses here will be light, ez
I am boardin and drinkin on tick exclusively. I told the landlord
the first day to mark it down, ez it wuz inconvenient to
make change fifty times per day. He possibly may wish he
hed taken the trouble to make change.
The sceen reminds me uv Bascom's so much that I actilly
shed teers. Democrasy is alike everywhere. Ther wuz the
bar, with the big-bellied bottle with tansy in it, and the big-bellied
bottle without tansy in it; ther wuz the box uv pipes,
the two lemons wich are doomed never to be yoosed, ez lemonjoose
weakens likker; ther wuz Pepper, the landlord, with his
sleeves rolled up, a leanin onto his elbows onto the bar; behind
him a portrate uv Jackson, on his fomin steed, wavin his
sword towards the British, beside it a hand-bill for a mass Convenshun
uv the Deestrick last year, commensin with the trooly
orthodox line, “Do you want to marry a nigger?” in large,
black type, with a picter uv Wendell Phillips kissin a wench,
at wich the Democrasy hev indignated reglerly for ten yeers.
Seetid on bustid cheers, empty nail kegs, and leaning on the
bar, wuz a groop wich was simply a dooplikit uv the × Roads,
and so akkerit that I caught myself sayin “Deekin” lots uv
times. I sed “Captain” to a man who wuz so near like
McPelter, ez to justify the suspicion that the father uv the
present Hugh hed many yeers before bin a citizen uv that
visinity, but I wuz keerful not to do so agin. Ketchin me by
the throte, he sternly remarkt, “Sir! don't put any uv them
titles onto me, sir. I wuz no Captain, thank Heven.” He
wuz passified when I told him that his remarkable resemblance
to a Confedrit Captin occasioned the mistake, wich pleased
him so that he to-wunst askt me to take suthin. This opened
a new field to me, wich I worked. I diskivered to-wunst an
amazin resemblence between all uv em and distinguisht
Southern commanders.
We fell to talkin uv the old times wich tried men's soles, in
the earlier years uv the war. Pepper, the landlord, gave a
most affectin reminiscence uv the shootin uv two returned
veterans, in the very room in wich we sot. The spot on which
they fell he hed put the stove over, that it mite be kept sakred.
Mr. Bortle, an old saint, whose nose wuz lightin his pathway
to the toom, hed a more tragicle tale to tell. He wuz one uv
them wich sholdered his fowlin peece to resist the draft up in
this County, and wuz taken by bloo-coated hirelins and carted
off to Camp Chase, where he wuz kept in doorance vile for
weeks, with nothin watever to live onto but the yoosual rashens
uv a soljer! One old relic uv the war, wich his name it wuz
Babbitt, accompanied Vallandygum through the lines, wich
lines wuz commandid by Rosecrans. He wuz present when
that accursed villain — that tool uv the despotic ape, Linkin —
hed the impudense to aboose our martyred Saint, and his blood
biled ez he heered it.
The followin epistle reached me yesterday. I received it
with mingled emoshuns. Ez I gazed at the familyer stamp
onto the envelope, wich I hed yoozed so many times, I kissed
it in extacy; ez I thot that it wuz inflicted onto the paper by
the hand uv a nigger, indignashen seezed me. But passin
this, I read ez follows: —
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
August the 19th, 1869.
My dear, dear Friend: Absence, it is sed, conkers love,
but that won't work in your case. I had tried to forget yoo,
and hed well nigh succeeded, but in overhaulin some papers
yesterday, I happened to come across some uv yoor notes of
hand for small amounts borrowed uv me at different times, and
I realized to-wunst the force of the old line, —
“Tho lost to site, to memry dear,”
and I bust out into a flood uv tears.
Crops is a totle failyoor here. The season hez bin favorable,
but we hev bin so entirely without labor that we put in but
very little seed. At the time we ought to hev hed our corn
plantid, Issaker Gavitt, Kernel McPelter, Elder Pennibacker,
and our sons wuz scourin the country to get enuff niggers to
plant for us, but ez they each hed land uv their own, they
woodent do it. So uv course there wuz none uv any account
put in. The little that wuz put in won't amount to nothin, ez
we coodent git niggers enuff to tend it durin the growin season,
and the weeds took possession uv it entirely. Joe Bigler
sejested that ef we'd spend half the time plantin uv it that we
did holdin meetins to devise ways to get nigger labor, we'd
hev a bustin crop. But yoo know Josef; he's a lost carikter;
he works with his own hands. One uv the most tetchin sites
I ever beheld wuz at Bascom's early in May, jist after our
committee had returned from a frootlis search after hands to
do our plantin. The entire Corners wuz present; but there
wuz a settled gloom onto their faces, wich even the refreshments
they wuz consooming coodent entirely dissipate. They
wuz grooped about the bar-room ez yoosual. Elder Pennibacker
wuz a leanin in a chair, with his back on a table, in the
corner, and the others wuz a sittin on kegs in various parts
uv the room.
“Wo is us!” sighed the Elder, puttin his feet onto a keg,
that he mite rest easier, and pensively squirtin tabacco jooce
at a fly on the wall opposite, “where is the labor to plant the
corn? We shel starve!”
“Alas!” sighed the Deeken, shiftin his seat to get so that
he cood cock his feet agin the wall. “Alas! the minits is
creeping on; day succeeds day, and no corn in yet.”
“Yes,” replied Issaker Gavitt, rollin over onto his belly,
and histin hisself up onto his elbows, “this is the froots uv
Ablishnism. Ten years ago, when we hed our niggers, we
hed our corn all in by this time, and wuz ready to put em to
plowin on it out. Now that we are dependent onto our
labor —”
And Issaker groaned, and rolled over onto his back.
And so we sot, and sot, and mourned.
The result uv wich is, that there ain't an acre uv good corn
in the entire section. Wood that the Ablishnists, wich brot
all this onto us, cood see the rooin they hev wrought.
The prevailin topic uv discussion sence yoo left us hez bin
the trouble with Pollock and a Ablishn frend uv hizzen who
lives in Springfield, Illinoy, the restin place uv that human
goriller, A. Linkin, growin out uv the bond question. Yoo
remember three years ago the Corporashen ishood its bonds,
bearin 6 per cent, for $2,000, to bild a lock-up; and a yeer later,
when it wuz found nessary to gravel the road betwixt the
Corners and the stashen at Secessionville, so ez to redoose the
freight on the whiskey consumed by us, we ishood bonds bearin
eight per cent., to the amount of $4,000, both ishoos runnin
twenty-five years. These bonds were taken by Pollock and
this frend uv hizzen.
Last yeer we paid the interest on these bonds, but this year
the people felt that the burden wuz too heavy. They could
not reconcile theirselves to the idea uv sweatin to support in
idle luxury the bloated bond-holders, and the populis murmured
agin it. Wat to do we didn't know, till finally Elder Pennebacker,
who borrows my paper reglerly, remarked, “Eureker
— I've got it!” He hed bin readin the Dimocratic proposition
to tax bonds, and a lite dawned onto him.
“We'll tax these bonds of Pollock's!” sed the Elder, “and
thus releeve ourselves uv this thraldom to the money power.
Thank Heaven, the people hevn't yet parted with all their
power.”
The segestion wuz acted on to-wunst. The Council wuz
assembled, and by a yoonanymous vote an ordinance wuz passed
levyin a tax uv eight cents onto the dollar on all bonds ishood
by the corporashun for moneys borrowed uv all sorts.
Pollock wuz away when the ordinance wuz passed, and it so
happened that he returned the very day that his interest wuz
due. Immejitly he proceeded to the Trezrer's office, wich is
Captin McPelter's, with his coopons. Captin McPelter receeved
him blandly, and, puttin the coopons away, tendered
him in loo thereoff a receipt for $320 taxes on them sed
bonds.
“Wat is this?” ejackilated the astonished Pollock.
“Taxes!” returned McPelter, smilingly. “We hev assessed
a tax onto our bonds uv eight cents onto the dollar, wich, it
happens, is just wat yoor interest is. We skorn repudiation
— we shel pay principal and interest — but we hev the rite to
tax bonds, and tax em we will.”
“Is the tax eight cents on the dollar on all bonds uv the
corporashen?” asked Pollock.
“Trooly it is,” sed McPelter.
“I hold also the bonds ishood a year before these for buildin
a lock-up, but wich only bear six per cent. The tax pays the
interest and two per cent. over; what will you do with that
two per cent.?”
“Do with it?” exclaimed McPelter. “Why, we shel apply
it to the payment uv the principal, uv course. The entire
revenoo uv the corporation is pledged to the extinguishment
uv its debt, and we shel not be recreant to our trust.”
Pollock went away, but McPelter hed a new idea. He immejitly
called the Council together, and sejested that the tax
on the bonds ought to be twelve instead uv eight per cent., ez
that tax would not only pay the interest on the 8 per cent
bonds, but would extinguish the bonds theirselves. The six
per cent. bonds wood not only be eaten up, but would leave
Pollock in debt to the corporashen long before they wuz doo.
The way uv escape from our troubles wuz so very plain that
the Council to-wunst acceeded to it; and notis wuz given Pollock
uv the new ackshen.
Immejetly the craven wretch wantid to sell the bonds to the
city at half ther face, but the proposition wuz rejected with
skorn. The Council passed a resolooshn rebooken him for
intimatin that the Corners wood not live up to its obligations.
“Ez much ez we loathe yoo,” remarked Elder Pennibacker,
the Municipal President, “we shall pay yoor bonds, dollar for
dollar, principal and interest; requiring yoo, however, to
bear sich taxation ez may be levied onto yoo.”
“But ez the tax eats up both interest and principal, what
do I get for my money?” askt the stiff-neckt man.
“The protection uv our laws!” thundered Pennibacker.
The people wuz so indignant at this Ablishnist meddler for
his objectin to so ekitable a proceedin that they mobbed his
store, and wood hev hung him, but fer the interference uv Joe
Bigler, who is alluz where he ain't wantid. Ez it wuz, he wuz
arrestid for breedin disturbances, and fined $20. He tendered,
in payment uv his fine, a corporashun bond, but the Justis
refoozed, very properly, to take it, and held him till he shelled
out a greenback from his ill-gotten hoards.
Pollock feels sore, but we don't. Releved from these bonds,
the Corners will hev no taxes to pay, and we confidently expect
a return uv the prosperity to wich we hev bin so long a
stranger.
Yours, with affeckshun,
Elkanah Pogram.
P. S. — Ef you get into a good thing and kin spare it, do
remit a porshen at least uv wat you owe me. Times is tite
here. E. P.
Ez I finisht his movin epistle, I cood not help thankin the
Lord that in one spot at least the Democracy practis wat they
preach. Thank Heaven for Kentucky.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
