36. XXXVI.
TRIES AN EXPERIMENT.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents }
(Lait St. Vallandigum), December the 25th, 1863.
Mankind is the most perverse and onrezonable beins uv the
human family. Wile they assent to a principle, they never will
put it into practis, ef it bares hard onto em ez indivijuels;
to-wit:—
I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin a course uv lekters on
the divinity uv slavery. I argood that the institooshun wuz
based upon the infeeriority uv wun man to another; that it
wuz not only a wise but a beautiful pervision uv nacher that the
strong shood hev charge uv the week, a guidin and protektin
and a workin uv them. The idee pleased my congregashun
vastly, and fifteen or twenty uv the strongest perposed that it
shood be put into practis, jest to show the world that the grate
doctrine cood be carried out jest as well in the North as in the
South; to wich I assented to-wunst, and at the next biznis
meetin, the follerin plan wuz adoptid: The members uv the
congregashun shood try ther strength, and them ez cood lift
600 lbs. shood own and possess, in fee-simple, all them ez
coodent.
The trial wuz hed, the divishen made, and I wuz happy at
bein the umble instrooment uv plantin the grate institooshen
on Northrin sile.
But, alas! owin to the perversity uv the human mind aforesaid,
it dident work. Old John Podhammer raised his 600 with
the gratest ease, wile Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin for him
for $12 a month, coodent fetch it. Podhammer went over to
Bill's cabin the next mornin, and sez he:—
“Wilyum, from this time hentzforth and furever, yoo air my
man. As all a slave hez is his masters, the $18 I owe yoo, or
that I did owe yoo afore this blessid system wuz establisht, I
shel keep, and as yoo hev more furnitoor than befits yoor lowly
condishen, I will send a team over to-morrer, and take yer
beauro and stand and bedstids up to my house; and—”
At this junctur in comes Mrs. Sniffles, who kin lift 600 lbs.,
with old Podhammer on the top uv it, and it wuz no time afore
she diskivered what his biznis wuz. She turned red in the
face. Said she,—
“Yoor goin to take my furnitoor?”
“Certingly.”
“And we air your slaves?”
“Uv course.”
“And yoo can sell my children?”
“Naterally.”
“And yoo kin make me yoor conkebine?”
“Ef I wish.”
“Yoo old beast!” shreekt the infooriated female chattel, forgettin
her normal condishun. “Yoo sell my babies! Yoo take
my furnitoor! Drat ye, I'll give ye sum uv it now!” whereupon
she hurled a chare, wich laid him prostrait on the floor,
when she pickt him up, and flung him out the door.
It did not end here. Podhammer hed in his hand a patchwork
coverlid, wich he thot he wood take with him, and when
he cum to, he walked off with it, whereupon Mrs. Sniffles hed
him took up on a charge uv steelin, and he was actooally tried,
found guilty, and sent to jail for thirty days. How kin we
establish Dimekratik institooshens when the courts won't recognize
the laws of nacher?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Pastor uv sed Church, in charge.
