122. CXXII.
A CABINET MEETING. — LETTERS FROM REV. HENRY
WARD BEECHER, GENERAL CUSTAR, HENRY J.
RAYMOND, AND HON. JOHN MORRISSEY, EACH
ANXIOUS TO PRESERVE HIS REPUTATION. — A
SAD TIME AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
November 7, 1866.
[1]
I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President,
to comfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin
the fact, — the sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez
endoored the slings and arrers uv more outrajus fortune than
any other man who hez lived sence the days uv Hamlit; more,
indeed, than Hamlit endoored, twict over. Hamlit's father wuz
pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her mournin clothes
wuz wore out — suthin no savin, prudent woman would do;
but what wuz that to wat A.
Johnson endoors every day?
Nothin.
The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for
the purpose uv sheddin a tear or two over the election returns,
and to consider a variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed
receeved within a few days. I may remark that the cabinet
hed a gloomy and mildewed look.
The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher
remarked that he had the highest possible respeck for the offis
wunst held by the good Washington, the great Adams, and the
sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin anythin about Peerce
and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the present
incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent
supporter uv the Administrashens uv both uv them men, wich
he considered stains upon the pages uv American history wich
he cood wish mite be obliterated. But wat he desired to say
wuz, that he hed a higher regard for the good opinion uv mankind
in general than he hed for the good opinion uv the accidental
incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a hour uv
temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsed
the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him,
he rekested, ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood
cause it to be known that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by
the Administrashen ez a supporter thereof.
“I do this,” sed the writer, “becoz the impression that I am
in the confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately
abroad, hez seriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN.
“Trooly yoors,” et settry.
The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound
silence, wich wuz broken by the President.
“Let him pass,” sed the great man who hez the dispensin
uv the post offisis, “let him pass. But here is another,” sed
he, bustin into teers; “read that.”
It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed
some reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It
wuz to the same effect. He hed, when he sposed that the
policy uv the President, wich he esteemed ez he must any man
who held the exalted position wunst okkepied by the good
Washington, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin —
“The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!” sed Androo; “it's
the offis I fill;” and he bust into a fresh flood.
— When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer
and patriot cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered
that it led him, back foremost, into company wich, doorin the
late war, he hed alluz visited face foremost and on hossback;
and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, he must beg that the
President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz not, nor
never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige
Yoors trooly, ez before.
I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan
and Doolittle wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz
given to Custar to keep him in posishen, hed bin promised to a
Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a company in the first Bull
Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the next day, not likin
the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but now the
Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there
wuz no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire
company united in minglin their teers.
The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to
him. It wuz from Raymond. He opened with the remark that
for the Presidential office he hed the highest respeck. Aside
from the considerashen that it hed bin wunst okkepied by the
good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin, the
President mite be considered the Father of his country, hevin
so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and
besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything.
It wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded
man, not to adhere to the President; but —
“Good Heavens!” shreeked Johnson, “that little fox ain't a
goin to speak uv HIS reputashen!”
“Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful
to my feelins ez it may be,” sed Seward. “He concloods
thusly —
“`I am forced to ask you, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations
with Him who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it
given out that I stand in opposition to him. A doo REGARD
FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to this course. I remain
“`Yoors Trooly.'”
There wuz two or three more. Gen. Carey, uv Ohio, requested
the President to remove him from his Collectorship, ez
the holdin uv it wuz INJOORIN HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out
West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post Offis, begged to hev
it taken off his hands, that he might save his circulashen before
it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to wun, the
seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms — bull dog rampant, bowieknife
couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green
cloth. It wuz from Hon. John Morrissey, who hed jest ben
elected to Congress in Noo York.
Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the
Democrasy, he felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be
understood that he washed his hands uv any connection with
Johnson or his party. He hed seed a lite. In States where
the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed tied themselves
to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave. Respeck
for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the
Democrasy coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say
that the result uv the election in Noo York, where they depended
solely on muscle and nigger, wich is the reel Democratic
capital, and succeeded, while where the Democrasy wuz loaded
down with Johnsonism, they failed, satisfied him that the President
wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for the
offis. Mr. Morrissey further remarked that he hed also personel
reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble
position, and hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his
modist ambishen. He hed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he
hed owned the fastest horses, and won more money at faro than
any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz satisfied, so fur ez he
wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him, for his
infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed
a development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so
tender, hevin already walloped every boy in the skool to wich
he wuz a goin), he desired to leave that son a honorable name.
It hed bin given out that he wuz a supporter uv the individooal
who okkepied the Presidenshel offis, and it wuz injoorin him.
He wished that stigma removed.
A regard for his reputashen
forced him to insist upon it.
And this epistle wuz dooly signed,
his
John × Morrissey, M. C.
mark.
There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified
the gloom wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I
turned my tear-bedewed eyes, I saw the great drops coursin
down the cheeks uv every one present. Mr. Seward retired
without sayin anythin about ninety days, and one by one they
all departed.
It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be
read, but no one hed the heart to open em. I made a move in
that direckshun, but Androo prevented me. “I'm sick,” murmured
he, in a husky voice, which showed that his hart wuz
peerced. “Help me to bed.” I saw the great man bury his
intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch,
all but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole,
and which accordingly glowed, not with the usual brilliant hue,
but with a dull, dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive
heavins uv the kivers, which betrayed the agitashen uv the
breast beneath, I whispered in his ear, ez I handed him his nite
drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon, that he hed one
hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv satisfaction
passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant. “Troo,”
gasped he, “it's ourn now; but before the next election a
couple uv them Massachusits ablishnists will buy the cussid
State, and re-people it to soot em;” and he gave a convulsive
gasp, and sank into a troubled slumber.
It wuz a tetchin occasion.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
