133. CXXXIII.
MR. NASBY'S BOARD COMMENCE THE COMPILATION
OF A SERIES OF SCHOOL BOOKS FOR THE
“INSTITOOT.”
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Febrooary 20, 1867.
The Institoot is a success Contribushens flow in slowly but
shoorly, — fast enuff indeed to give each uv the Board a noo
soot uv close; and we, espeshelly, who hev the fust handlin
uv that money, sevral other comforts. But that corner-stun
troubles us. Sum hundreds uv people saw that a bottle uv likker
and a greenback wuz deposited under it, and regerly every
nite it's bin overturned by persons in serch uv them relics.
At great expense we built onto it a section uv wall; but makin
no account uv our expenditoor, they overturned it. We then
histed a sign-board bearing this legend: “The whisky is gone,
and the greenback also,” signed by the Board; but one half uv
the citizens uv that lokality don't read, and tother didn't hev
the nessary confidence in the truthfulness uv the Board to
prevent em from goin for the artikles, tho the very knowlege
uv us wich brot about this state uv disbelief, shood, wun wood
suppose, hev taught em that the greenback and likker coodent
possibly be there after so long a period hed ensood. So, ez a
last resort, we stuck two posts in the ground and drawd an
iron chain over it. That got em. Force is about the only
thing uv any account in this country.
The Board met last nite at the Post Offis, wich, ontil we git
the Institoot built, will be the headquarters uv the Trustees,
to consider the propriety uv publishin a series uv skool books,
adaptid especially to the Southern intelleck, and calculated to
keep alive in the minds uv the buddin yooths uv the late Confederacy,
wich is unfortunately deceest, a lively opinion uv
themselves and a corresponding hatred uv Noo England and
the North generally. We hev hed serious doubts whether
proper ideas cood be instilled into a youth from a book written
by a Boston man, and printed in Cincinnati.
I submitted to the Board a example for a noo Arithmetic,
to wit: —
“A Yankee sent a substitoot into the Federal army at a cost
uv $1000, passing off onto him two counterfeit ten dollar notes.
To make up the expenditoor, he to-wunst swindles a innocent
Kentuckian out uv $100 in a patent rite, a Alabamian out uv
$200 in a Western land trade, and the balance he makes up by
sellin wooden nutmegs, wich he turns out uv basswood at a
profit uv 4 cents per one. The grate moral question is, how
many nutmegs must this ingenius but unprincipled cuss
manufaktur, and how long does it take him, with the improoved
machinery, they hev to do it?
“The Southern soljers, at the battle uv the first Bull Run,
captured 18 Federals, one uv whom hed upon his person
$12 in greeenbax, and tothers $8 each. How many uv Johnson's
Postmasters cood be bought with the proceeds uv the
capcher?”
Deekin Pogram approved uv these examples; but he kept
insistin that there wuzn't enuff in em to fire the Southern
heart. The Southern heart wuz a perpetooal funeral pile
wich needid continyooal firin. Onless fired it wuz a gloomy
mass uv very onsightly black cinders. He proposed that the
forthcoming book shood be coal oil on the slumberin embers uv
the yoothful Southern heart. He hed a example: —
“The battle uv Chickamauga wuz fought a certain number
uv miles from Chattanooga. One regiment uv Confedrit soljers
druv a division uv Fedral mercenaries into the town. Allowin
that each Fedral, ez well ez Confedrit, hed two legs, how many
more steps did the Fedrals take to get em into Chattanooga,
where they wuz comparatively safe from Confedrit
rage and valor, and sich, than it did the Confedrits to drive
em thar?”
Bascom remarkt that he hed one wich he felt it his dooty to
propose: —
“A strickly conscienshus grocery keeper starts in biznis
worth four hundred dollars in clean cash. He pays for his
whiskey two dollars per gallon in Looisville, and hez for a
reglar customer a Postmaster, wich drinks forty or sixty times
per day, and alluz tells him to `jist chalk it down.' Required
the length uv time nessary to bust him under them afflictin
circumstances?”
Bascom remarkt that long before the book appears in print,
he wood be able to furnish the anser to that little problem. Considerin
the example a dig direct at me, I wuz uv a noshen to
retort; but ther wuz sich a look uv injerd innosense onto
Bascom's countenance that reely I coodent. Suthin must be
done for Bascom, — I hev lived onto him too long. The next
contribushen I reseeve from frends North shel be devoted to
liquidating, in part, the debt I owe him. I cood bust him, by
not givin him at least cost for his likker; but wat follows?
There's the rub. Wood he who come after give me credit?
Better bear the ills we hev than fly to them to wich we hevn't
bin interdoost.
Joe Bigler, the drunken Confedrit soljer, happened in, and
heard the last two examples, and remarkt that he cood furnish
any number uv examples at site. We never stop Joseph in
anything he perposes to do, for he hez a habit uv carryin a
navy revolver slung to him. Joseph wuz permitted to perceed.
“Ef a Southern man pants for his rites, and fites four years
for em, gittin licked like the devil, how long after is it advisable
for him to continyoo to pant, pervidid he didn't know at the
beginnin wat his rites wuz?
“Ef a Southern soljer kin whip five Northern soljers, why in
bloody thunder, they hevin hed a suffishency uv opportoonities
uv doin it, didn't the South gain her independence?
“Ef fitin four years, and loosin every doggoned cent's
worth uv property a man hed wuz profitable biznis, how many
struggles for independence wood a man uv modrit means be
justified in goin thro with?
“Ef two gallons and a half uv Kentucky whisky kin be got
from a bushel uv corn, how many Democratic voters, takin
young men ez they run, kin be manufaktured from the produck
uv an aker uv good land in a modrit year for corn?
“A high-toned shivelrous Virginian, twenty years ago, hed a
female slave wich wuz ez black ez a crow, and worth only
$800. Her progeny wuz only half ez black ez a crow, and her
female grandchildren wuz suffishently bleached to sell in Noo
Orleans for $2500 per female offspring. Required, 1st. The
length uv time nessary to pay off the Nashnel debt by this
means. 2d. The number uv years nessary to bleach the cuss
of color out uv the niggers uv the United States
“A. Johnson hed the idea uv carryin a certin number uv
deestricks, by speekin in em with Seward, all uv wich gave
increased majorities agin him. Required the number uv miles
uv travel, and the number uv repetitions uv the speech, to
enable him to carry out his policy?
“Ef two nips at Washinton wuz suffishent to perdoose the
speech at the inaugerashen on the 4th uv March, 1865, how
many must have bin slung into A. J. to perdoose the 22d uv
Febrooary effort, and how many must be hev taken between
Washinton and St. Louis?”
“These examples,” sed Joseph, “I consider nessary for this
book; and ef it is published without em I shel take it ez a
personal affront, for which I shel hold the Board personelly
responsible. The Southern yooth must be properly instructed
— my orphans must hev proper notions instilled into em, and
these examples is nessary to that end. Let this Board remember
that, when this book is publisht, ef these examples is not
in them, they hev me to settle with.”
And Joseph departed. We are in a quandary. We dare
not publish the book without his examples, for he alluz keeps
his word, and is a ugly cuss to deal with; and uv course puttin
em in coodent be thought uv. We finally decided that Joseph
must be got out uv the way ez soon ez possible, and therefore
votid that Bascom give him unlimited credit at his bar for a
week, chargin the same upon the account uv the Institoot. I
know that a free run at his barrels would finish me or any one
uv the Board in that time. Happy Bigler! He hez at least
one satisfactry week afore him, — I cood almost wish the
Board wood try it on me. It wood be a short but glorious
career.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
