University of Virginia Library

117. CXVII.
IS REQUESTED TO ACT AS CHAPLAIN OF THE
CLEVELAND CONVENTION. — THAT BEAUTIFUL
CITY VISITED FOR THAT PURPOSE.

[1] I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable
quarters at the Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich
soldiers and sailors uv the United States ez bleeve in a Union
uv thirty-six States, and who hev sworn allegiance to a flag
with thirty-six stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and
life-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. Henry Ward Beecher,
wuz to hev bin the chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed
us, and it wuz decided in a cabinet meetin that I shood take
his place. I didn't see the necessity uv hevin a chaplin at
every little convenshun uv our party, and so stated; but
Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a
party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours
wuz that party. “And, Parson,” sed he, glancin at a list uv
delegates, “ef yoo hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv
extra fervency, offer em up for these fellers. Ef there is any
efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased opinion that there
never wuz in the history uv the world, nor never will be agin,
sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try yoorself
particularly on Custer; tho', after all,” continyood he, in a
musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately,
“the fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be
held 'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em,

good Hevens! they'r mostly druv to it by hunger.” And the
Secretary maundered on suthin about “sixty days” and
“ninety days,” paying no more attention to the rest uv us
than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.

So, receevin transportashen and sufficient money from the
secret service fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and
after a tejus trip thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there.
My thots were gloomy beyond expression. I hed recently
gone through this same country ez chaplin to the Presidential
tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant remembrances.
Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous,
with nary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where
the peasantry laft in his face when he went thro' with the
regler ritooal uv presentin the constitooshn and the flag uv
thirty-six stars onto it to a deestrick assessor; there wuz —
but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public
bosom, or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored
it; suffice to say that I hed strength left to ride up
Bank Street, in Cleveland, the scene uv the most awful insult
the Executive ever receeved.

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand,
held a informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood
work smooth when the crowd finally got together. Genral
Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though he reely belonged to the
last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his hair
freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he hed
cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to
suthin; and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished
theirselves in the late war, but who hed never got
their deserts, ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the
Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were,
in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho'
why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin,
to an alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in
the recrootin service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their
noses, and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz
blest with a faro bank! Then I knowd all about it.

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time
amused me. Them ez wuz present wuz divided into two

classes — those ez hed bin recently appinted to posishens, and
them ez expected to be shortly. I notist on the countenances
uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ez I hev seen in
factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for a hard
week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry,
fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist
that the latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the
necessity uv sustainin the policy uv our firm and noble President,
and damned the Ablishnists with more emphasis and
fervency than the others.

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two
years, and hed bin allowed to resign, “jest after the battle,
mother,” wich, hevin his papers all destroyed, made settlin
with the government a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt
called upon to check him. “Gently, my frend,” sed I,
“gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my commission.
It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git
yoor Assessorship a minnit sooner for it.”

“It ain't a Assessorship I want,” sez he. “I hev devoted
myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved
country —”

“Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed
wounds?” murmured I.

“And ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village, —
which I hev bin solicited so strongly to take that I hev finally
yielded, — I do it only that I may devote my few remainin
energies wholly to the great cause uv restorin the thirty-six
States to their normal posishens under the flag with thirty-six
stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots which, ef I am
whom, wat is the Saviour, and — and where is —”

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle
uv a quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic
President, and knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git
it off jist as it wuz originally delivered, I took him by the
throat, and shet off the flood uv his elokence.

“Be quiet, yoo idiot!” remarked I, soothingly, to him.
“Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the
history uv this or any other Republic, there's a market for jist
sich men ez yoo; but all this blather won't fetch it a minit
sooner.”

“Good Lord!” tho't I, ez I turned away, “wat a President
A. J. is, to hev to buy up sich cattle! Wat a postmaster he
must be, whose gineral cussedness turns my stummick!”

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed;
whereupon Kernel K—, who is now Collector uv Revenue in
Illinoy, asked ef there wuz ary man in the room who hed bin
a prizner doorin the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman
uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin taken
three times, and wuz, altogether, eighteen months in doorance
vile, in three different prizns.

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, agitatidly, ef he wuz
shoor — quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the
policy uv the President? Are you quite shoor — quite shoor?

“I am,” returned the phenomenon. “I stand by Andrew
Johnson and his policy, and I don't want no office!!”

“Hev yoo got wun?” shouted they all in korus.

“Nary!” sed he. “With me it is a matter uv principle!”

“Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?” asked I, lookin at
him with wonder.

“Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at
Johnson's Island!”

Custar dropped him, and the rest remarked that, while they
hed a very healthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better
not menshen his presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez
ginerous foes they loved him ruther better than a brother; yet,
as the call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a delightful
oneness between em, yet ef 'twuz all the same, he hed better
not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I afterwards
ascertained.

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and
the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the
show. A big tent hed bin brought on from Boston to accommodate
the expected crowd, and quite an animated discussion
arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to
ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral Wool
wuz made temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded
in a elokent extemporaneous speech, which he read from
manuscript. General Ewing made another extemporaneous
address, which he read from manuscript, and we adjourned
for dinner.

The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv
the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood
make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from
his right side coat pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed
jotted down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present
extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel over, the
Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to
prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled
a roll uv manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he
hed jotted down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed
to present, et settry. This occasioned another shindy; wen
the Chairman remarked “Resolushens,” wen every delegate
rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast coat
pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.

I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the
expedition West, when the pressure becum unendurable.
They sposed I wuz keeper uv the President's conscience, and
I hed not a minit's peace after that. In vain I ashoored em
that, there bein no consciences about the White House, no one
could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed no
influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens
for places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket,
and insisted on my takin em, and seein that they wuz appinted.
I told em that I cood do nuthin for em; but they laft me to
skorn. “You are jist the style uv man,” said they, “who hez
inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do it.” Hemmed
in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took.
Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate
(I took it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to
the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland
may be taken as a sample, the less His Majesty depends on
soljers, the better.