163. CLXIII.
THE PREPARATIONS OF THE MARTYR FOR THE
COMING EVENT.
The President is uv the opinion that he will be impeeched,
wich opinion is shared by his confidenshel friends. Indeed,
Randall fell onto his neck when he told him that he hed
come to that conclooshun, and remarkt that that wuz the first
correct conclooshun he hed come to sence he hed bin President.
Ef anything will stop it, it will be the speeches wich
are delivered for the prosecooshun. He hez some hope that
the people, when they see the avalanche uv words that hez bin
piled onto him, will hev their hatred turned into pity, and that
pity will in this, ez in other matters, melt into love. But that's
a thin reliance, and he knows it, and is, therefore, preparin to
leave Washington. He hez already bid adoo to Mrs. Cobb.
They met for the last time this mornin. She wood hev accompanied
him to Greenville; but he sed, “Nay. To yoose
the words uv another —
`My fate it is too cold for thee, Mrs. Cobb;
'Twould chill thy deerest joy;
I'd rather weep to see thee free, Mrs. Cobb,
Than keep thee to destroy.'
“Here we part. I hev no longer the pardnin power, or disposal
uv offices. Ef I shood git to be Mayor uv Greenville,
which is in State uv Tennessee, I mite, perchance, give yoo
the disposal of the one polece uv that anteek town; but, alars!
he cood not afford to pay yoo enuff to keep yoo in garters.
No! no! Farewell! I'm scooped. A. Johnson's okkepashun's
gone.”
Mrs. Cobb wuz led out, bathed in teers. I am informed,
however, that she is in comfortable circumstances, havin bin
ruther savin doorin that halcyon period uv pardnin rebels.
She bled em handsome, and put suthin by for a rainy day. I
told the President this, and he wuz visibly releeved. It wuz
sejested by a council uv his friends, that he shood return quietly
and by the neerest route, to wich he assented. He wood
go, he sed, unostentashusly and without display to Greenville,
by way uv Baltimore, Philadelphia, Noo York, Noo Haven,
(Conn.), Savannah, Mobeel, Noo Orleens, Looisville, and Dubuke,
Iowa. “Write to all my friends,” sed he, “and beg uv
em not to offer me any ovashens, or anythin uv the sort. I
desire to glide into history ez a martyr (with a halo round my
head), wich bowed meekly and uncomplaininly to the behests
uv the d—dest tyranny on the globe. Tell em that the most I
desire in the larger cities is processions, with appropriate
moosic, banners, and sich, to receeve me at the cars and to
escort me to my hotel, and a simple balcony from wich to
address my fellow-citizens, that I may set their hearts at rest
by asshoorin uv them that I am ez devoted to the constitooshen
now ez ever, and to tell em how much I hev suffered in
their behalf. I want no wreath, no gaudy chaplets wove for
me; no illuminashens, no nothin. I wood merely sejest that at
each place the percession be headed by a tomb — a mausoleum
— on wheels, drawed by ten black horses, all clothed in mournin,
the tomb to bear the inscription, “Impeachment: In this
is buried Androo Johnson, and with him the constitooshen, the
flag, and the liberties uv his country, wich he wood hev saved.”
It mite be well to hev another follerin behind it with a wax
figger uv Columby bustin the mausoleum, and histin a wax
figger uv me out uv it, chuckin the constitooshen at me ez she
does it, exclaimin the while, “Rise, second Washington — rise,
step-father uv yer country.” These little allegories wood inculcate
a great moral lesson, and wood inspire the people
with awe.”
Randall objected. “Wat's the yoose?” he sed. “Ef I am
in the car with yoo, — and I spose I shel hev to see this thing
out, — the Ablishnists will jeer and flout me, and say, `Go up,
bald head!' The inscripshens they will laff at, and they won't
do our people eny good, for not one in ten kin read em.”
Welles wuz in favor uv the mausoleum, only he wood hev a
slite change. He wood hev Columbia supported by him, ez
Neptoon, the God uv the briny deep, puttin a wax sceptre,
labelled “Veto,” in the hands uv the wax President, with the
inscripshen, “With this he wood hev saved the Constitooshn.”
Randall wuz overpowered, but he did not give up his pint.
“I hev decided on this,” sed the President. “I shel not
pervent the people from testifyin their devoshen to me, and
bearin witness to my many virchoos. I hev already received
tenders of percessions ez terrible ez armies with banners.
The Blood Tubs uv Baltimore, the Killers uv Philadelfy, and
the Ded Rabbits uv Noo York, hev all expressed a desire to do
me this honor. In Noon Haven, the Noo Yorkers kin go ther to
make the percession, jist ez easy ez they went up ther to vote
our ticket in the spring, ez I shel not be in two places the
same day. In the South, ef the Confedrits I hev pardoned
will all turn out, the percessions will be miles in length, and ef
they do not, the Ku Klux will be on hand.”
Randall cautioned him not to count double. “Yoo are
probably aware,” sed he, “that the Ku Klux is made up almost
entirely uv the patriots yoo pardoned. But that don't matter;
yoo will still be ovatid to yoor heart's desire. I hev correspondence.
Here is a letter from a prominent Noo York Dimocrat:
`Hev him come this way. The nigger orfan asylum
burnt in 1863 hez bin rebilt, and the boys are achin for a chance
to go for it agin. His comin wood stir up our voters to some
extent, and help to swell the majority for Seymour.'
“Another one says, —
“`I hev no objeckshun to yoor funeral percession passin thro
Noo Haven. I don't think it wood hurt us. It wood hev the
effeck uv gittin up some excitement, wich possibly we cood
turn to account in the fall election. But it must be managed
nicely.'
“Another remarks: —
“`He hed better come to Richmond, I think. We cood git
up a percession wich wood terrify the niggers and white loyalists,
and possibly keep em from ratifyin the Constitooshun. I
will make the speech, and will say any good things uv Johnson
yoo may sejest, for I am an old man and hev no further hopes
for myself, and am consekently reckliss.'
“I hev,” said Randall, “others uv similar import from Noo
Orleens, Mobeel, Vixburg, and Memphis. The writers all manifest
the most ardent devoshen to —”
“I knowd they wood,” exclaimed the President. “I yit hev
friends.”
“— To the candidate uv the Noo York Convenshun, and ez
they all appear to think that this percession thro the country
wood help em, I am willin. I can stand it. Like my Richmond
friend, I hev nothin to hope for.”
The tour wuz desided upon, and the President retired comparatively
happy. The people must compliment him to his
face, and he's a goin out in a sort uv a blaze uv glory any
how.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
