6. VI.
MAKES A CANDIDATE “UV HISSELF.”
To the Dimokrasy uv the County: I announse myself
ez a candidate for ary one uv the offices to be filled this
autum, subgik, uv coarse, to the decishun uv the Convenshun.
In makin this anouncement, I feel it due my Dimekratik
brethrin, that I stait the reasons for takin this step. They run
ez follows:
1st. I want a offis.
2d. I need a offis.
3d. A offis wood suit me; therfore,
4th. I shood like to hev a offis.
I make no boasts uv what my speshel claims are, but I hev
dun the party sum servis. My fust vote I cast for that old
Dimekrat, Androo Jackson. For him I voted twict, and I hev
also voted for every Dimekratik candidate sence. I hev
fought and bled for the coz, hev voted ez often ez three times
at one elekshun, and hev alluz wore mournin around my eyes for
three weeks after each campane. I hev alluz rallid to the
poles early in the mornin, and hev spent the entire day a
bringin in the agid and infirm, and in the patryotik biznis uv
knockin down the opposition voters. No man hez drunk more
whisky than I hev for the party — none hez dun it moar willingly.
Twict, in going thro campanes, hev I brot myself to
the very verge uv delirium tremins a drinkin the terrific
elekshun whisky pervided by our candidates, but the coz
demandid the sacrifis, and I made it ez cherefully ez tho my
stumic hed been copper-lined, which, unfortunitly, it is not.
Ez for my services in this line, let my nose, which has trooly
blossomed like the lobster, speak for itself.
“Rum hez its triumphs ez the water hath,
And this is wun uv em.”
My politikle principles are sound. I am opposd to a nashnel
bank, and am unmitigatedly in favor uv free trade. I approved
uv the last war with Great Britain, and hev sence seen
no reason to change my views on that subgik. On the war
queshun my views are ez follows: Bein a naytiv uv this
Republic, and hevin livd under the Stars and Stripes, I am
in favor uv maintainin the Guverment, and puttin down the
rebelyun, and will aid the Guverment in doin it, in all constitooshnal
ways. But, after a keerful readin uv my papers, I
kin find no constitooshnal warrant for half what is bein dun. I
am in favor uv a war for the Union ez it used to was, and the
Constitooshn ez I'd like to hev it; but a war uv subgugashen
— never! Hents, I am opposed to all this military biznis.
Ef a citizen uv Virginny shoots a citizen uv Ohio, let him be
arrested, taken before the nearest Justis uv the Peese, and
bound over to court. That's the only way to do it. I regard
confistikashen as unconstitooshnel, and ez for emansipashen,
words cant express my disgust at the bare ijee. Wat! is
armies to march forth, under the good old flag, for the purpus
uv destroyin an institooshn guaranteed by the Constitooshn,
and wich hez enabled the grate Dimekratik party to controle
the destinies uv this republic for mor'n thirty yeres? Ferbid
it, hevin! The follerin resolushens, wich I drawd up, show
percisely wat I bleeve: —
Resolved, That we are now, eggsackly as we alluz hev bin,
the devoted friends uv the Union ez it used to be wen us uns
and our breethrin uv the South run the masheen, and we'd be
thenderin glad to see it restord agin.
Resolved, That evry dictate uv patertism reqwires that, in
the fight we hev afore us, the Dimokrasy shood present a unbroken
front; and therefore, ez differenses may arize amongst
us, the General Committee shel, frum time to time, inform the
county committies wat the people is expectid to beleve, that
we may talk alike in all parts uv the country.
Resolved, That the Abolishn party, by ther denunsiashn uv
President Davis, hev shown that they hev no regard for our
feelins or hizn, and hev exhibited a bitterness towards our
misgided Suthrin brethrin, that demonstraits their onfitness
to hold eny place wer they kin hev an opportunity to injure
them.
Resolved, That the stait uv Massychusits is ornery and
cussed. That the annimosity exhibited by her men, in the lait
fites afore Richmond, towards our misgided Suthrin brethrin,
is wat mite be expektid frum a state that hez no Dimekrats,
and where every body redes and rites.
Resolved, That, while rebels shood be punisht, we are
opposed to confisticashun er emansipashun in any shaip;
becoz it isnt constooshnal; becoz the South wood be made
more desprit, and moar uv em wood be killed, wich wood
lessen Dimekratik majoritis in them states; and becoz it wood
hev a tendency to make em madder nor they air.
On the absorbin question uv nigger I am sound. I am
opposed to amalgamashun, and am in favor uv prohibitin any
wench from marryin any wun hevin a visable admixter uv
white blud. I am ferninst allowin niggers to come into the
North, and am in favor uv expellin the thirty-two milyuns now
here. To force em away, I wood make it a pennytenshiary
offence to be shaved by a nigger, and wood regulate the price
uv barberin by law, that white men mite be indoost to go into
the biznis. Ez for other pints uv nashenel and stait policy, my
paper dident cum last nite, and consequently I am somewhat
at a loss.
In county matters I shel follow closely the footsteps uv my
predecessers. I shel be keerful uv the funds, and shel apply
jest ez much ez possible to the grate work uv bildin up the
Dimekratik party; alluz, uv coarse, reservin enuff to buy me
a moderit farm at the close uv my term.
I aint partickeler ez to wat offis I hev. I am willin to serve
ez Treasurer, Sheriff, Commishener, or Coroner — tho I cood
do the party more good ez Treasurer than in any other posishen.
Money cozes the female hoss to amble.
In conclushen, fellow Dimekrats, I hev to say, ef nominated,
all rite; ef not, I shel abide by the result ez cherefully ez my
temper will allow.
