33. XXXIII.
SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SALVATION OF THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
Church uv St. —, }
December the 2d, 1863.
I am not apt to change. Ez the Samist sez, “Wunst I wuz
yung, but now I am old;” but yung or old, it hez alluz bin
the same with me. Whisky strate hez bin my bevridge, and
Dimokrasy my tickit, wun and inseprable, and I hev stuck to
em with a fidelity ekaled by few and surpast by none. But
the time hez cum for a radical change, in order to save the
good old party I hev ornamented so long.
The rebelyun is played out. Our Suthern brethrin is gone
in. To use figgerativ langidge, wich will be understood in
the circles in wich I am accustomed to move, Linkin has made
four already, and holds high, low, and jack. So long as ther
wuz any chance for the 15 Dimekratik states to succeed, it
was natrel for us to help em, for we cood easy jine with em
agin; but ez they are past prayin for, wat is wisdom for us?
Clearly to help wipe em out. Why? In my skriptooral
reedin I wunst found a histry uv a steward who wuz about
losin his place. Like Hamlet, he soliloquizd: “Wat kin I do?
I can't work, I don't fancy beggin, and hev n't got the greenbax
to start a grocery.” (Groceries wuz cash in Judee.) A
lucky thot emerged frum his Websterian intellek. “I hev it,”
sez he to hisself. “I am yet steward. I will giv receets in
full to them ez owes my boss, and wen my day uv trouble
cums I'll board with em.”
The pint is plane. While in the service uv our Suthrin
masters we wuz rayther hard on our Afrikin brethrin. We
did beat em, and choak em, and did despitefully use em.
We can't count on the Sutherners no more — let us elevate the
nigger to the place his master okepide in the party. Like the
steward aforesed, let us do good to them we was wunst hard
on, that we may hev frends when we need em. Let that hory
old dotard, Tawny, be assassinated, and sum wun appinted in
his place, that will reverse his decision, that they hedent eny
rites that wite men was bound to respeck; let Samcox and
Fernandywood interdoose bills abolishin slavery in the states,
and givin evry Afrikin brother a quarter secshun uv land,
a two-hoss team, a red bunnit with artifishel flowers on to it,
make em citizens, and then we'd get evry wun uv em.
This wood give us the fifteen Suthrin states as in the happy
days uv yore, and the 500,000 uv our cullered brethrin, now in
Canady, cood be brot back to the land uv their nativity, and
distributed thro Ohio and Noo York, so ez to redeem them
states frum the rule uv misgided Republikins. This plan is
fesible, and pekoolyerly adapted to the Dimekratik mind, wich
is flexible — very. Let it be adoptid, and wunst more will the
good old party repose under the shadder uv the Trezury
bildins; wunst agin will the chosen few dror regler salaries;
and the nashen flourish under the blessins we lost when
Bookannon, the gileless, retired to private life.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
