94. XCIV.
ENJOYS A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD, SEEING
THEREIN MANY CURIOUS THINGS, WHICH ARE
PUBLISHED AS A WARNING TO POLITICIANS.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
February 5, 1866.
Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half
past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv
night. I alluz make it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm
gittin old, and my digestive faculties ain't what they wuz when
I wuz young. Alas! we who hev lived out the best part uv
our days, wat wood we give to be set back to the time when,
with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good square
meal without fear uv consekenses! But
“Them happy days is fled,
And never will return.”
I paid my respecks to two mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet,
some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen
doughnuts, and a couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky
punch; and singler ez it may seem, it didn't set well. I
dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt
I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It wuz a
singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this
world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every
deceest spirit hed to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that
uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood
walk on it, but they sunk down in it ef they wuz loaded,
accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this
Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the
1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which
took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins
above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils,
who flung onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross, their
failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities.
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the
flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled “States Rights;”
but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the
gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went,
and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages
labelled “Treason,” “Perjury,” and “Murder,” and John C.
went under.
Old James Buchanan went next. The old gentleman didn't
keep above water as long ez a able-bodied man could hold a bar
uv red-hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a
weight labelled “Treason” struck him, and down he went.
The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had
a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that
one wuz sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one
make a motion at him, but he sank all the same. “We never
waste effort,” sed Satan to me; “he carries enough natural
cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without pilin
any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old.”
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter.
He wuz immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight
labelled “Kansas,” and they flung him in. He went down like
a shot, and that's the last I seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely.
Nothing wuz flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
“Why,” sed Satan, “the poor old man isn't accountable.
He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin
because he really don't know when to stop. I could hev sunk
him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the
United States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv
Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more from Kentucky
now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two thirds
uv that State.”
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered
the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right.
With an inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced
devils, and sed, “Leave em to me,” and at Ben he hurled
a package uv the New York News, wich swashed him down
instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other
[ILLUSTRATION]
NASBY'S DREAM OF RETRIBUTION. Page 240.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. A man floats in the water with the
words "STATES RIGHTS" inscribed on his clothing. Two other objects with
the words "PERJURY" and "TREASON" float in the water beside him. A large
group, some humans, some winged bat-like creatures, are gathered around
the edge of the water.]
shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled
“Lotteries” and “Riots,” which took him down to the armpits,
and finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz
written “Mayoralty,” and down he went; at wich His Majesty
drew a sigh uv relief.
Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto
him, —
“This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for yoo.”
“Nothin to speak uv,” sed he. “The leaders uv the Southerners
were, sum uv em, honest, and got through on that
account, and the rank and file were ignorant wretches, who
ain't accountable, nohow. The leading Copperheads uv the
North were mine, anyhow, from the beginning. Any man who
cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo
will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em
for sich a sin. Why,” sed he, “do yoo think I use all the shot
I hev? Not any. Them yoo've seen piled on were used
because, bein the last, they were on the top uv the pile.
“Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows
who are yet votin for Jackson I'll never git, and the most uv
them ez alluz votes unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their
innocence protects em. It takes a modritly smart man to be
vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev sense enuff to distinguish
between good and evil, cussednis enuff to deliberately
choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin in that
line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities developed
to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between
him and Fernandy Wood it's nip and tuck. Fernandy did
wicked things with more neatnis than Voorhees, but for a actual
love uv doin em Voorhees beets the world. I sed,” continued
he, “that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. I repeat it;
it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty
much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood
count on at least two planters, and under the patriarkle system
uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the way, wuz wun uv my most
brilliant consepshuns), octooroons multiplied with a rapidity
pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the octooroon bizniss is
done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope, however.
The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think they
possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next
President and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with
unutterable joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin
wood give me a clean title to evry last one who helped to do it,
and in gittin em back into their normal condishun (by the way,
that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd be enuff slaughterin and
murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em
ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speekers
or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't
see the yoose uv interferin.”
At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me
into the stream, and in the struggle I awoke. My dreem wuz
o'er, but the impreshun remained. “Kin it be,” mused I, pensively,
“that we are doin the devil's work, and are we to be
finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision? Ef so,
hedn't I better quit and repent?”
But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger
men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait
ticket for thirty years, and the ten or twelve years I hed to
live wuz too short a time in which to repent successfully uv
sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin
that I had turned Fenian — hed elected myself Hed Centre
for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a
magnificent plantashun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
