183. CLXXXIII.
SETTLED AT LAST. — THE CITY OF NEW YORK
TO BE HIS FINAL RESTING-PLACE.
In the 6th Ward uv Noo York, }
December 10, 1869.
The dove wich Noah sent out come back to the Ark becoz
the waters kivered the land; when the dove found a dry spot
it come back no more. I am a dove. I wuz sent out from the
Corners, but the prevalence uv water druv me back, time and
agen. Now, thank Heaven, I hev found a spot wher ther is no
water (at least I've never seen any used here for any purpose),
and here I stay. My foot hez found a restin-place.
I am the sole proprietor uv the “Harp uv Erin” saloon.
The original proprietor uv the “Harp uv Erin” died the
evenin uv the last eleckshun, much regretted by his politikle
assoshates. He hed only voted thirteen times, when in an
argyment techin the merits uv his candidate, ez compared
with his opponent for the nominashen, he wuz hit with a brickbat,
and died with his day's work half done. The man who
struck him wuz expelled from the society to wich he belonged
for killin an able-bodied Democrat before the closin
uv the polls.
How I got possesshen uv the s'loon I shel not state. Suffice
it to say, it became mine, and the stock likewise, and that I
shel never hev occashen to leave it. Here I shel live, and
here I shel die. Uv course I've decorated it to soot the tastes
uv my patrons. I took down the portrate uv Jackson, and cut
off uv the bottom the words, “The Yoonyun, it must and shel
be preserved!” and substitootid, “He serves his party best
who votes the most,” wich I read to those who drop in ez the
last words uv the Hero uv Noo Orleens. I hev an Irish flag
turned round an Irish Harp over the bar, and portrates
uv the Head Centres uv the Fenian Brotherhood, properly
wreathed, all about the room. On the end uv the bar, in the
spot where in other neyborhoods the water-pitcher stands, I
hev a box with a hole in the top uv it, inscribed, “Contribushens
for the benefit uv our suffrin brethren in English Basteels
may be dropped in here.” That box more than pays my rent.
Then I hev quite a cabinet uv sakred relics. I hev a piece uv
the rope wich hung John Brown; the identicle club wich
killed the first nigger in the riots uv July, 1863; a bullit fired at
the Triboon offis at that time, with other sooveneers dear to the
Democratic heart, wich attract many. These hang onto the
walls, and underneath them I hev the prices uv drinks inscribed,
with the stern, cold words, “No Trust.”
I inoggeratid my establishment last Wednesday nite. Rememberin
the terrible endin uv all my other innogerashens, I
declined at fust to make any formal openin; but my friends insisted
that it wuz the custom uv the ward, and that I must
do it.
“Nobody will buy yoor likker,” sed one, “ef yoo don't make
a regler openin.”
“Ef I make a regler openin,” sed I, “I won't hev a drop to
sell em. Stay — I hev it. I'll go before a Justis uv the Peece
and take a solemn oath not to drink anything myself that nite.”
“`Twon't do,” sed my friend. “Oaths don't count in this
ward.”
Various plans were sejestid. One gentleman proposed that
I shood be tied down so that I coodn't git at the likker, and
that he shood do the honors. His nose wuz agin him, and I
declined his proposishen. Finally I hit upon a plan. I calkilated
that twenty gallons wood anser, and I put that amount in
a barrel. The balance uv the stock I locked in a room, and
then put the key away in a drawer.
“There,” sed I, triumphantly, “afore that twenty gallons is
eggsausted I shel be too far gone to know where the key to the
room holdin the balance uv the stock is. Saved! saved!”
It resultid ez I anticipatid. At first we hed speeches and
toasts. Mr. O'Rafferty replide to the toast, “Our adoptid
country.” He sed the term, “Our adoptid country,” wuz a
happy one, fur so fur ez Noo York wuz conserned, the sons uv
Erin hed adoptid it. He hed bin charged with a lack uv love
fur this country. He repelled the charge with skorn. Why
shoodn't he love this country? In wat other country wuz
votes worth a dollar apeece? Where else cood sich a man ez
he hev so high a posishen ez Alderman, and only two yeers on
the grounds.
Mr. O'Toole jined in the sentiment. Where else under the
canopy cood a man like hisself, who coodn't read, be a skool
direcktor? He hed often bin thankful that he hed turned his
face toward Ameriky the minit his time wuz out in the prison
at Liverpool. Ther wuz less risk in holdin offis in Noo York
than in burglary in England, and the results wuz shoorer.
Ther wuzn't much more speech-makin. The drinkin went on
fast and furious tho, and ez I antissipatid, before the twenty
gallons wuz eggsaustid I wuz very drunk, and incapable uv
any effort, mental or physikle, and the others were in very
much the same predicament. Four or five uv em did try to
rouse me to git more, but it wuz uv no use; they mite ez well
hev whispered Grey's elegy in the ear uv a dead mule. The
most uv em slept, ez I did, on the floor till mornin.
I shel be happy here. I hev the steddy patronage uv two
Aldermen, three skool direcktors, and four contractors, and
when the Mayor gits the appintin uv the poleece there will be
twelve poleecemen whose trade I kin count on. There in my
back room is where the preliminary caucuses fur the ward is
held, and I shel be paid fur wat the managers drink till I git
an offis myself. At last my lines is cast in pleasant places.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz P. M.).
