158. CLVIII.
THE PENDLETON THEORY IN KENTUCKY.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
February 1, 1868.
A few days ago Bascom come into the offis, and remarked
that he thought it wuz time the Corners spoke.
“Onto wot pertikeler subjeck wood you hev the Corners
speek, my cherub?” sed I. “The Corners hez exercised her
throat onto almost everything up to date.”
“Troo,” sed G. W., “but there's one subjeck onto wich the
Corners hezn't sed her say, namely, the crushin wate uv taxashen,
and the question uv payin the bonds in greenbax.”
“That's probably becoz,” remarkt I, “the Corners pays nary
tax; and becoz, also, not hevin any bonds nor greenbax, she
don't care, to speek after the manner uv men, a d—n about it.
Isn't that the case?”
“Probably it is, but at the same time we ought to extend a
helpin hand to our brethren North, who are makin a valyent
fite on this thing. Parson, we must hold a meetin on this
question, and resolve.”
Willin to accommodate Bascom, I called the meetin, and last
nite it took place. It wuz an enthoosiastic gathrin. Skasely hed
the horn tooted afore the church wuz filled. It wuz curiosity
wich brot em. None uv em but Bascom, Captain McPelter, and
myself, knowed wat a bond wuz, and they wantid to find out.
I wuz called upon to state the objeck uv the gathrin. I opened
with a movin appeal to the people who wuz groanin under a
load uv taxashen, for the benefit uv the lordly bond-holders uv
the country; whose very life blood wuz a bein sucked out uv
em by the bond-aristocrats uv the country.
At this pint Joe Bigler, who wuz uv course in the aujence,
commenst weepin perfoosely, but disgustinly loud. He fairly
bellered, and displayed altogether too much emoshun.
“Mr. Bigler,” sed I, “woodent a little less violent sorrer
anser?”
“Parson,” sed he, “never hevin paid a cussid cent uv taxes
in my life, I never knowd afore how much I wuz bein oppressed.
But I'll contane myself if I kin. I'll cork up my
woes if they bust me.”
I then went on to explane the Pendleton ijee. First, the
Government owes about four hundred thousand millions uv
dollers, more or less, wich is borrowed. The Ablishn ijee is to
pay this off ez it falls due, in gold, and in the mean time to pay
interest onto the bonds ez per agreement on the face uv em.
But this is oppressive. This payin interest is wat's eatin us
up. Therefore, Pendleton proposes to pay these bonds by
ishooin four hundred thousand million uv greenbax. When
these greenbax wear out, so that they ain't passable no more —
so that Bascom won't take em for drinks, for instance, — why,
then we'll print more greenbax and give em new ones. I don't
see that the debt is paid off any, but we git out uv the intrest.
We ishoo a non-bearin intrest note wich the greenback is, for
an intrest-bearin note wich the present bond is, and compel the
bond-holders to take em, thus releevin us, the tax payers, uv
the weight uv taxashen we are now compelled to carry. This
ijee is not, however, original with Pendleton. He's bin a
steelin
my thunder. I subsisted many yeers in Noo Jersey by
the same expedient. Whenever I owed a man I gave him my
note, and felt that a great load wuz off my mind. When it
became doo, ef it made the creditor eny easier in his mind, I
took it up by givin him another, and so on, pervided he wuz
willin and hed faith enuff to pay for the stamps. It wuz an
easy and simple method uv gittin on in the world without
onpleasantnis.
Captain McPelter, late uv the Confedrit army, wantid to
know ef the greenback wuz good enuff for the soljer, ef it
wuzn't good enuff for the bondholder?
Bascom endorsed all that hed bin sed, and demandid resolooshens,
moovin ones, wich he presentid, and they wuz passed.
At this pint occurred suthin wich wuzen't down in the bill.
Skasely hed the resolooshens passed, when Joe Bigler stepped
forward and remarkt that he hed votid for them resolooshens
becoz he beleeved in em. But he wantid the ijee carried
forerd to its logical conclooshen. He owed Bascom eighty odd
dollars, wich wuz bearin interest, and hed bin for some time,
and wood, probably, for some time to come. Now, what is
justis in governmental matters, is ekally so in privit life. He
demanded uv Bascom that note, and that he accept in its stead
one wich bore no interest. He hed borne this burden too
long, and it wuz high time that he be releeved.
Deekin Pogram felt that he must agree with Mr. Bigler.
Bascom held his note for $490, wich hed bin runnin on intrest
for a long time, and he felt that he cooden't stand it no —
“Why, blarst yer eyes,” sez Bascom, “I lent yoo that money
to save yer farm from bein sold out from under yer feet!”
“Troo, but there's a principle in it. I can't toil to pay
interest to yoo no more than I kin to the Government. Let us
be consistent, G. W., watever we are.”
At this juncter every man in the buildin rose to his feet
very excitedly, all uv em in korious commenst.
“Bascom holds a note uv mine, wich bears interest,
and I —”
And Bascom, badgered ez he was, flung himself out uv the
church in disgust. The aujence who hed, however, got an
ijee, wuz not disposed to give it up. They follered him without
eny formal adjournment to his grosery, but he hed anticipated
that, and hed locked it. But all nite they hung around
the place, yellin, “Give me my note! Give me my note!” and
they hed faith that they finally wood bring him to terms.
But along about seven o'clock the people began to change
their toon. It wuz time for their mornin bitters, and they exclaimed
ez one man, “Bascom! why don't yoo open out?
Let us in!”
All uv a sudden the door wuz flung open, and there wuz reveeled
to the gaze uv the Corners the most impressive tabloo
ever witnest. In the centre uv the room stood Bascom, with a
burnin pine knot in his hand, wildly wavin it over his head;
afore him stood a barl uv whisky, on end, with the head out.
We growd pale.
“Ha! ha!” laft he, with the most malignant and feendish
expression upon his countenance, “it wuz yoor turn last nite;
this mornin its mine. Ther ain't a drop in the Corners cept
wat is in this barl, and not a drop uv this shel yoo hev for love
or money! Ha! ha! who hez the inside track now. I'll burn
it the minit the first one crosses the threshhold.”
“Make a rush,” yelled Bigler; “it won't burn, coz he's bin a
waterin it for a week.”
“Ha! too troo! but I hev yoo yit. I'll overturn the barl!”
I seed the pint to-wunst. A cold chill crept over me, and
Deekin Pogram shook like an aspen leaf. None cood be prokoored
this side uv Looisvill, three days at least! Spose the
recklis man shood carry out his threat!
The Deekin and I threw ourselves into the breech. We saw
that Bascom wuz in dead earnest. The crowd saw things ez we
did, and softened down. It wuz finally proposed ez a compermise
that the rekords uv the meetin shood be destroyed, and
that the ijee uv exchangin notes with Bascom shood be abandoned,
and Bascom on his part to go on ez yoosual. This settled,
we all took our regeler stiffners, and thus the Corners
bridged the greatest danger that ever threatened her. Ther
is peece here now.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
