75. LXXV.
“DREAMS A DREAM.”
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
July the 21st, 1865.
Dreams is becomin the most commonest recreation I hev. I
don't know whether these dreams is the sperit uv prophecy,
sugar-coated with sleep, or whether they are sooperindoost by
the reglar three-quarters uv a pound uv tripe I eat at about
11½ P. M.; but dreams I hev.
Last nite I dreamed that I hed bridged time, and wuz set
ahead about nine months, wich time brings forth events in
politics, ez well ez in other things too tedious to menshun.
Methot the South hed bin concilliatid and reconstructid, and
hed cum back into the sisterhood uv States, ez sisters generally
come back after a quarrel. South Caroliny wuz represented
in the House by Genral Swasher, and all the Rhetts, et
settry, and Missippy by a dozen or two kernels and genrals, for
that State sent none to Congress ceptin its heroes. Jeffson
Davis wuz a candidate, but hevin sed, in his zeal for repudiashen,
that he wuz for repudiatin all debts, his constituency
wuz afraid that he mite inclood the Confedrit war debt, so they
defeated him, and elected Ginral McGoujum, who held that the
Fedral war debt wuz unconstooshnel, and must be repudiated,
while the Confederasy's ought to be paid ez a conciliatory
measure. The ginooine Dimokrasy uv the North hed electid
enuff members to give the South control uv Congress.
In my dream I wuz seated in the gallery uv the House. A
member from Noo York wuz introdoosin a bill appropriatin a
sum uv money for the purpose uv erectin a monument to the
memory uv the Union soljers who fell at Gettysburg. No
sooner hed the fanatic red the title uv the bill, than Ginral
McGoujum and Swasher, and Kernel Pelter, uv Georgy, walked
over to his seat, and with their canes beat him over the hed
twenty or fifteen minits. He wuz carried out for dead.
Ginral McGoujum claimed the floor.
“Mr. Speaker,” said he, “I'm bilin! Indignashen is heavin
and tossin my chivelrus sole in a most tremenjusly toomulchus
style. I am, Mr. Speaker, a citizen uv this glorious Republic.
I stand here, to-day, reconstructid and concilliatid — a loyal
man. I hev took the oath, and sence hev violated no rool or
custom uv this House. I hev drawd my pay promptly — I hev
even gone so fur in the spirit uv forgivenis and Christian charity,
ez to take that pay in greenbax, instid uv demandin gold,
notwithstandin every wun uv em bears the portrait uv that
feendish ape, that thirster after gore, that destroyer uv habis
corpusis and constooshnel rites, our late lamentid President.
After makin these sacrifices, shel I sit here camly, and allow a
negro-steelin Yankee to insult the South with allusions to
Gettysburg, and sich? Never! Shel a Noo York missegennygenashunist,
in this hall, perpose to appropriate the treasure
uv our common country to commemorate a field on wich my
constituency wuz walloped, without rebuke? Never! He
hez bin rebuked — let him heed the warnin.”
Several Ablishn members riz, but the Dimokrasy wuz firm,
and woodent let em speak. The Suthern members wuz a goin
to withdraw in a body, wen Fernandywood rose and perposed
a compermise, ez follows:
[1]
That harmony and good feelin shood prevale, hentzforth and
forever.
The word “war” shel never be yoosed in this hall; that,
whenever referred to, it shel be termed “misunderstandins.”
That the flags, cannon, and sich-like trophies, found by the
Federal army in various parts uv the Southern States, be to-wunst
destroyed.
That penshuns be paid to the misunderstandinists from both
secshuns, for services rendered the guverment.
That the very fields onto wich these misunderstandins
occurred, be plowed over at the expense uv the guverment.
That no book be publisht givin any account uv prison-life,
or sich.
That bunkum orators in this House draw their alloosions
to our military fame solely from the Mexikin war.
The compermise wuz uv coarse adoptid. Ez the vote wuz
announst, Ginral McGoujum and Fernandywood rusht into
each other's arms, and wept down each other's backs, while
Kernel Pelter waved a flag over em, formin a picter trooly
tetchin.
“Thank hevin,” I exclaimed, ez I awoke from this refreshin
sleep, “Brooks is dead, but his sperit still lives — his sole is
marchin on. So long ez we hev a Southern Dimokrasy to demand,
and a Northern Dimokrat to give, all will be well. Bless
the Lord!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
