University of Virginia Library

166. CLXVI.
THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR THE
PRESIDENCY.

The matter uv a Presidenshl candidate hez opprest me, and
hez also exercised the gigantic intellex who congregate at the
Corners. We hev desided that Cheef Justis Chase won't do.
We kin support him cheerfully, for his method uv conduktin
the impeachment trial hez satisfied us uv his hankerin for a
standin in our party. Besides this, havin made a start, we consider
him safe anyhow. The man wich kin take a nominashen
at our hands, or identify hisself with us, may alluz be countid
onto. The Ablishnists never forgive sich, and ther ain't no
other place to go. When Johnson and Doolittle and that
crowd left the Ablishnists, I knew where they would land
better than they did. Facilis descensus averni, wich bein
translated into the vulgar tongue, means, the road to hell is
macadamized. Hancock won't do, becoz our Southern brethren
hev a prejoodis agin the flag he drawd his sword under.
Pendleton wood anser the West, but the East is opposed to
him. I therefore, after givin the matter matoor considerashen,
hev desided to propose for the posishen the name uv Jethro
L. Kippins, uv Alexander county, Illinoy.

I hev the follerin reasons for insistin on his nominashen: —

1. He's geographically level. By lookin on the map, it will
be seen that that county in Illinoy is the extreme south-westerly
part uv the State. It is a Northern county with Southern
ideas. Across the river is Kentucky, west is south-eastern
Missoury, and east is lower Injeany. They grow tobacco
there, and yearn after slave labor ez intensly ez we do across
the river.

2. Nobody knows him. The name uv Jethro L. Kippins,
hez never filled the soundin trump uv fame. With him on our
tikkit several pints wood be gained. On all the questions on

wich there is a doubt in the minds uv the Democracy, Jethro
L. Kippens is uncommitted. He is unembarrassed with views,
and on troublesome questions hez nary an opinyun. The
trouble Pendleton hez with the greenbax wood not affect him,
neither wood any uv them other questions wich are ruther
embarrassin than otherwise. He hez but one political principle,
wich he holds is enuff for any one man, and that is Democracy,
ez it hez bin, ez it is, and ez it may be. He beleeves
firmly in the cuss uv Canaan, he holds close to Onesimus and
Hagar, and hez sworn a solemn oath that no nigger shel ever
marry a daughter uv hizzen. This noble sentiment, wich alluz
strikes a responsive cord in every buzzum, wood be emblazoned
on the Kippins banner.

3. Jethro L. Kippinses posishen on the war question is happy.
He opposed all the steps wich led to it, and when it finally
broke out, he proposed the only troo Demokratic way uv stoppin
it. It wuz his opinyun that we hed no rite to coerce the South
— that there wuz no warrant in the Constitooshen for any sich
perceedin. “Ef Boregard fires onto Major Anderson,” sed he,
“let Major Anderson go afore the nearest Justice uv the Peece
and hev him bound over to keep the peece, and ef the Justis
can't enforce his warrant, why that ends it. We can't go
beyond the Constitooshn.” After hostilities actooally begun,
his posishen wuz eminently satisfactory to both sides. He wuz
in favor uv the war, but opposed to its prosecooshen. He remarkt
that the South hed committed a indiscreshen, but were
he in Congris he shoodn't vote for nary man nor dollar for
carryin on a war agin em. His two sons served in the war,
one in the Confedrit servis and one in the Fedral — both ez
sutlers. The war bore heavy on him — he made great sacrifices.
Three other sons he supported in Canada doorin the
continyooance uv the unnachrel strife.

4. Jethro L. Kippins hez all the elements uv popularity. He
wuz born in a log cabin; he studied Daboll's Arithmetic by the
lite uv a pine knot, held for the purpose by his mother; he
drove hoss on the canal, wuz a salt boiler in Southern Ohio, a
wagon boy on the Nashnel Road, wuz left an orphan when six
weeks old, swept a store in his early yooth, went down the

Mississippi on a flat boat, wuz in the Mexikin war, and hez a
consoomin pashen for horses. He hez, in this, the advantage
of Grant, ez his pashen wuz so consoomin that it got him into
a temporary difficulty, wich required 12 men, a Judge, and
two lawyers to settle, one uv the lawyers bein the State's
Attorney uv the county. These facts in his biography I got
from his own lips. Ef there's any discrepancies, uv course
the committee on biography will reconcile em. It may be that
he may hev done too much — wich is to say, ef all he sez is
troo, he wood be two or three hundred years old. Ef so, it
will hev to be pared down. He hez bin justis uv the peece
ten years in his native township, wich gives him a splendid
knowledge uv constooshnel law.

5. He's trooly nashnel in his views. He knows no North,
no South, no East, no West, no nothin. That last qualificashen
mite prejudis some agin him, but to me its his chief holt. For
with sich a man in the Presidenshel chair I wood be safe. We
hev an abundance uv sich men ez Wood, Seymour, Vallandygum,
et settry, who kin manage a President, but who are
too odorous to be electid very much to that posishen themselves.
Therefore, it's necessary that precisely sich a man ez
I hev described be electid; and the fact that Chase knows too
much, is the objection I hev to him. Polk wuz manageable,
Pierce eminently so, and poor old Bookannon was wonderfully
pliable.

Sich is the candidate wich I present. There are many pints
in his favor. Our people wood to-wunst exclaim, “Who'n
thunder is Kippins?” and before they cood find out, the day
uv election wood be on em, and they'd vote him. His hevin
no record is also in his favor. Wat wood Pendleton, Vallandygum,
Seymour, and Wood give ef they hed no record? A
record is like a tin kittle to a dog's tale — it's a noisy appendage,
wich makes the dog conspicuous, and invites everybody
to shy a brick at him.

I hevent menshund in this, nor shel I, who would be a
proper man for the seckund place on the ticket. I hev my
opinion. Kentucky is deservin uv recognishun — that's all I
shel say. The modesty wich is characteristic uv me prevents

me from segestin the partickeler citizen uv Kentucky who
ought to be thus honored. We shal see whether or not republics
is ongrateful.