University of Virginia Library

112. CXII.
THE CONVOCATION OF HUNGRY SOULS AT PHILADELPHIA.
— A DESCRIPTION OF THAT MEMORABLE
OCCASION BY ONE WHO HAD BEEN PROVIDED
FOR.

[1] Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the
course uv a eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck
satisfaction wuz till now. The first week I wuz married to my

Looizer Jane it wuz heavenly; for, independent uv the other
blisses incident to the married state, I beleeved that she wuz
the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her father wuz,
wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the prospeck
uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a
farm big enough to support me, with prudence on her part,
wuz bliss itself; and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness
rarely ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more
deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be with
crops, and my dream uv happiness bustid. Sweet ez wuz this
week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season
I hev jest passed through.

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor
nothin, and hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam
I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat,
and my breath helped me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like
the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat
on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz wat
finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv
me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minnit they
saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff
for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed
“this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor,” and paid for my drinks;
and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of
em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz
took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really
wuz no amusement.

The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I
ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin
the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the
bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein
the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat
ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perfeck
quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at
Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that
the delegates from South Karliny and the delegates from
Massachoosits wood enter arm in arm! With a slow and
measured step they come in; and, at a signal from Randall,
the cheerin commenst — and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle

pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes;
and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher,
and applied it to his eyes.

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that
there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore
me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked
partikilerly ashamed of hisself, ez though he wuz goin thro a
highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz
determined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and Couch
looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez
though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all
with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene
wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see,
ez them two men — one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself
— walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I saw the
Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion
uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic
bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky,
the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west, the
strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and claws; Ohio, the
heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the tail
feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird, — I saw
these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin
nigger in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, “Take
em both together; they go in lots.” I saw the old Union —
the bold, chivelrous Southerner a guidin, controllin, and directin
the machine, and assoomin to hisself the place uv honor,
and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at
his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the Southerner
ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the
Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by
self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when
thirty-four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em;
and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead
earnest.

“Wat are you blubberin for?” asked a enthusiastic delegate
in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.

“I'm a Postmaster,” sez I, “and must do my dooty in this

crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for?” retorted I. “Are
you a Postmaster?”

“No,” sez he; “but I hope to be;” and he swabbed away
with renood vigger.

“Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?”
sez I.

“They've all got Post Offisis in em,” sez he; and he worked
away faster than ever.

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the
hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way,
in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anything to him about), I
looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from
my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over
at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, Dick Taylor, and
Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and
the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in
Philadelphia, at a Convention, with all the leadin Demokrats
uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz
skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the
perceedins. Here is a prospeck! Here is fatnis! The President
into our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin
the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star
Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv
partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or
wich side it had been on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible
sole filled up agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff,
and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern
delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat,
with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they bore
me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, “Wat a techin scene! overpowered
by his feelins.” “Yes,” sed another: “he deserves a
apintment.”

I didn't go back to the Convention, coz I knowd it wan't no
yoose; and besides, after all the teers that hed been shed, —
the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor, — it
wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed
out uv em. I knowd it would be all right; it couldn't be otherwise.
There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and
prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a ambition

to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern
delegashun — wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists —
couldn't do nothin without the Democracy North; and both on
em combined couldn't do nothin without the Democracy South.
The President cood depend on the Democracy North, coz he
holds the offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the
President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood
depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a
fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly
keepin uv em out, and preventin em from wollopin their
niggers; the Democracy South cood depend on the President,
coz he must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat
the Ablishnists in Congris, — all cood depend on all, each cood
depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe,
hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without
the others to turn the grind-stone.

The Southern delegates, some uv em, wuznt so well pleased.
“What in thunder,” sed one uv em, “did they mean by pilin on
the agony over the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up
the ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel
Yankee debt?”

“'Sh!” sed I; “easy over the rough places. My friend,
they didn't mean it; or, ef they did, we didn't. Is a oath so
hard to break? Wood it trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge,
after all the times he swore to support the Constitution,
to sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to break
it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily. Dismiss them
gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand
mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out
uv our service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit
he's got into doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond
will be on our side this year, certain, for last year he was agin
us; and by the time he is ready to turn agin, he'll be worn to
so small a pint that he won't be worth hevin; and the Democrisy
uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent, the
offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.

“My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz since
killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It
wuz his lot to go to the bottom uv the excavation and load the

buckets with earth. The dinner horn sounded, and he, with
the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket,
and told em to hist away; and they histed. But ez they histed,
they amused theirselves a droppin earth onto him. `Shtop!'
sed he; but they didn't. `Shtop!' sed he, `or, be gorra! I'll
cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward,
and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860.
Their little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth
they're droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut
the rope? Nary! Let em hist; and when we're safe out,
and on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and chuck em
into the hole.”

All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried
home with em their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office
wuz sekoor; for, ef with the show we've got, we can't reëlect
Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.