35. XXXV.
COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents }
(Lait St. Vallandigum), December the 19th, 1863.
I hev bin for many years disposed to bleeve in speritooalism.
Ther is suthin pleasant in the idee uv bein in communicashen
with them ez hev gone before, as it may be reznably supozed
that frum their stan-pint they kin see things in a more clearer
lite than we who is encumbered with clay. Akordingly, I
invited a distingisht mejum to visit my flock. * * *
A circle wuz formed, and I wuz requestid to call for the sperit
uv sum wun. Havin a few Abolishnists present, whom I wisht
to enliten on politikle topics, I called for Thomas Jefferson.
“Thomas,” sez I, “wuz yoo the father uv Dimokrasy?”
(I use my own language, ez them old fellers wuz not alluz
elegant.)
“I wuz.”
“Thomas, are the party now barin the name yoor child?”
“Not any. It's a mizable bastard, born uv John C. Calhoon,
and that old hag, State-Rites, and a low-lived whelp it is. My
heirs is them ez supports the guverment I helpt to make.”
“But, Thomas, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn war for
the purpus uv freein niggers?”
The spirit rapt out with awful distinknis:
“We hold these trooths to be self-evident, that all men is
creatid ekal, and endoud with certing inalianable rites, among
wich is life, liberty —”
At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the sperit wuz not
Thomas Jefferson, but a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn
preecher use the same language at a 4th uv July celebrashen.
I then called Androo Jaxon, who respondid.
“Androo,” sez I, “woodent yoo like to be back on earth,
jist now?”
“Yoo kin bet I wood,” retortid he. “I'd like to hev bin
President in the place uv that old, white-livered, black-cockade
Fedralist, Bookannon. Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin!
Ther wood hev bin vacancies in Congris, and jest es many
funerals ez ther wuz vacancies. As for South Carliny —”
The communicashen ceased, and I heerd a sound like the
grittin uv teeth. It resoomed:
“I'd string up Vallandigum, and Fernandywood, and Sammedary,
et settry. It wood be a bad old joke on them indivijuels
ef I hed control of the habis corpus; I'd —”
I refoozed to hear further. This sperit wuz, also, ondoubtedly
a imposter.
I called for Benton, who merely sed that Missoury wuz comin
to her senses in gittin rid uv slavery; and for Duglis, who
remarkt that he cood say uv the temple uv Dimokrasy ez the
Savior sed of the temple, “My house is cald a house of prayr,
but ye hev made it a den of theeves;” both of whom wuz
onquestionably imposters. Another sperit (probably of a
deceest Ablishnist) sed that Benedict Arnold and Judis
[ILLUSTRATION]
NASBY COMMUNICATING WITH THE SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON. Page 102.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. Several men sitting at a table in what looks to be a séance; an image of Andrew Jackson floats above them.]
Iscariot hadent bin on speekin terms for sum time, Iscariot
hevin called Arnold a copperhead. Arnold sed he'd never
stand that.
Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word to say.
“The Dimekratik party wuz wunst grate, but it had got into
bad hands, and gone crazy as a drunken bed-bug. It needed
new managers — men uv suffishent sense and honesty to run
the party on old principles. In the old hands, it wuz a patriotic
party — a party that wuz alluz for the country. It whaled
the British in 1812, and afterwards nockt the hind sites off uv
the old Fedral party for opposin it. It smasht Mexico, and
afterwards smasht the Whig party for not helpin. Now, for
the Dimokrasy to oppose a war agin rebels who not only
commenst it, but hed actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy
unekaled in the history uv the world. Squelch them tuppenny
pollytishns who hev thieved the mantels wunst worn by Jaxon
and Benton (they look in em jest about as well as a orgin
grinder's monky wood in a soljer's overcoat, and fill em jest as
much), get on to a war platform, and —”
I didn't care about persooin my investigashens enny further,
pertikelerly ez the Abolishnists wuz all a snickrin. It's my
privit opinion that ther's nothin reliable about it. Hed the
sperits bin reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they
woodent hev talkt so much undilootid niggerism. However,
it did me very well. The mejum took up a colleckshun uv six
dollars, wich, by a singler coincidence, was the eggsact amount
I hed intendid to charge him for the use uv my church. He
grumbled, but finally sheld out. I am now warin a new pare
uv pants.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
