University of Virginia Library

PREFIS.

Uv the makin uv books there is no end. The press perpetooally
groans with a burden uv literatoor, and is bein perpetooally
delivered, sometimes to the advantage uv the world,
and sometimes vicy versy. I spose, ef I hed consulted the
literary men uv this country (wich I didn't), they wood hev
sed to me, “Don't publish this book; there's reely no okkashun
for it!” There isn't? Did the capchus adviser see the
state uv my pants? Did he observe the wreckt condishun of
my boots? Is he aware that I am in arrears for board? Not
publish my book! Kin I so far forget my dooty to humanity?
Its publikashen will at least do ONE suffrin man good, and that's
more than half uv the writers kin say. What recks it that
that one is ME? Wat posterity will say, I don't know; neither
do I care. I ain't labrin for posterity; neither did my father,
else I hed bin better off. Posterity may assign me a niche in
the temple uv massive intellex, or may not; it's all one to the subscriber.
I woodn't give a ten-cent postal currency for wat the
next generashen will do for me. It's this generashen I'm goin
for. So much for Buckinham!

I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement.
There hezn't bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past
twelve years, and the standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties
and hundreds, the leaders uv the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough
time uv it. Our prominence made us uncomfortable, for we

hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez well ez uv
every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless patriot,
Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who
held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon
a period uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin
made for their rites, rendered the position uv us Northern
Dimocrats eggstremely precarious. We coodent go back on
our friends South, for, knowin that peace must come, and that
when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the olden time, look
to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to keep
on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars!
there were laws agin treason, and two thirds uv the misguided
people North hed got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy
South had committed that crime, and they intimated that ef
we overstepped the line that divides loyalty from treason by
so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd make us suffer;
wich they did religiously. I, alone, hev suffered enuff for
several families uv martyrs.

But I anticipate. Twict doorin the fratrisidle struggle wich
drencht this happy land in goar, I wuz drafted into a service
I detested — twict I wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family,
wich I wuz gittin along well enough, even ef the wife uv my
buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, and refooze to give me
sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin
to squander it upon bread and clothes for the children, — twict,
I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz forced to
desert to the Dimocrisy uv the South, rather than fite agin em.
When, finally, the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally
shot off, owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv
my gun, wich thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle
thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty, and cood
bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only steered clear uv Scylla
to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let Dimocrisy alone,
and the eggins — the ridin upon rails — the takin uv the

oath — but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I
stood it all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to
kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the extremity uv
my under garment, wich modesty forbids me to menshun the
name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv
laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv
raw, undilootid water! That feather broke the back uv the
camel. The oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the
water inflamashen uv the stumick, and for six long weeks I lay,
a wreck uv my former self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw
in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage
a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and I hev
kept my oath.

I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any
man sence the time uv Paul. First I established a church uv
Democrats in a little oasis I diskivered in the Ablishn State uv
Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four
groceries, but nary church or skool-house within four miles,
and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the
grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em —
but alars! I wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin
in 1864. Noo Jersey bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched,
to her I fled, and at Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo
Jersey) I erected another tabernacle. There I stayed, and et
and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me thither,
and in the fall uv '65 that State got ornery and cussid, and
went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced
to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where,
at Confedrit × Roads, I hoped to spend the few remainin
years uv my life. I wuz happy and contented. Under the
administrashen uv President Johnson, upon whose head blessins,
I wuz livin in the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv
all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four well-regulated groceries
within a stun's throw, and a distillery ornamentin the landscape

only a quarter uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the
ruins uv a burnt nigger school-house within site uv my winder.
I wantid nothin more. I hoped to be allowed to live there and
thus forever, and that when Death should come, he wood find
me at Bascom's, enjoyin the deliteful society uv them wich I
am proud to call my friends.

But it wuz not to be so. Grant wuz elected, and per consequence
I wuz oustid. Weary uv life and heart-sick, I startid
a grosery in the 6th Ward, Noo York, where I hed hopes that
the Dimocricy wood rally to my support, and give me a suffishency
uv the two prime necessities uv life, — a roof and whiskey.
But that didn't anser. I drank up twenty-five per cent.
uv my stock, and the balance wuz sold on credit to that class
uv Dimocrats whose proudest boast is that they never pay a
bill. He needs to be an acoot man who deals with sich.
Unable to maintain myself there, I returned to Confedrit ×
Roads, where I am now livin, and where, probably, I shel die.
It is the most sootable place for me, for here I am entirely
safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The
aristocracy uv this seckshun bleeve in freedom uv speech,
but they desire to exercise a supervision over it, that they
may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r rite, and for fear
they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they git
into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better
uv them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence
Massychoosits can't disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously
Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo so.

It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is
composed wuz written at various times and under various
circumstances. They reflect the mind uv the author doorin
the most eventful years in his history, and mark the condition
uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. Consekently they
shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alacrity,
the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top

wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough
uv despondency and despair.

I endoored life under Linkin, and enjoyed life under that
martyred saint, Johnson. But, alas! Johnson cooden't endoor.
Dimocrisy undertook to carry the President, and it broke
down under the load. Then the President undertook to carry
the Dimocrisy, and he broke down under that load. Both
were sootable to be carried, but neither hed the strength to
carry the tother. And so they lay, both at the bottom uv the
ditch uv despondency, lookin helplessly at each other, but
neither able to help his fellow-suffrer. They wood hev embraced,
but they hedn't strength enuff to roll together.

We hed seasons uv revival. Occasionally a state eleckshun
wood result in our favor, and we did succeed in capcherin Noo
York. That last triumph give us life; it infused vigger into
us. It operatid like a invigorator — a stiff wun — does onto
the bowels uv a Kentuckian whose flask is out, and who hezn't
bin neer a bar-room for thirty-six hours. It wuz strengthenin.

But even that wuzn't permanent. The Dimocrisy uv that
city hed a good thing, but their very eagernis rooined em.
Their grabs were so enormous ez to attract attention, and
down they went again. They killed the goose that laid the
golden egg. Hed the Dimocratic managers stolen litely, — that
is, hed they taken ten years to hev made theirselves millionaires
instid uv five, — they wood to-day hev bin in power, and
the Democrisy hev hed a nucleus around wich to rally. But
sich is fate. There is frosts wherever there is flowers.

I mite say more, but wherefore? Sich ez the book is, I hist
it at the public. Ez the record uv twelve years uv hopes and
fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or
may not — 'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whether it is
well or ill received makes but little difference to me. The
public will not diskiver its merits or demerits till after they hev
bought the book (and paid for it, — for books is not like whiskey,

sold on tick), and with the buyin uv the book my objeck is
attained. They may possibly murmur, but their murmurs
won't reach me, for before they kin reach the Cross Roads,
with our present mail facilities, I shel hev gone hentz. Before
that time my venerable biler, now weakened in spots, will hev
bustid, and I shel hev gone to join Elder Gavitt, John Guttle,
and the glorious army uv Dimocratic marters, wherever they
may be. For it is not given to man to live always, for wich a
Dimocrat who is too old to change may be trooly thankful.