University of Virginia Library

146. CXLVI.
THE NEGRO QUESTION. — THE CHANGE.

The Radikel party hed bin forst into takin nigger suffrage
into their embrace, and methinks we hev em now. To aid our
friends in the North, we hev taken the step backward, and are
now where we started from. The directers uv the college

met and changed the name uv the Institooshn back to the
“Southern Military and Classikle Institoot,” and the Corners
wuz itself agin. Deekin Pogram lookt ez tho ten years hed
bin lifted off him. “How pleasant 'tis,” sed he, “to walk erect
agin in front uv a nigger, and to pass em ez tho they wuz
niggers! O, ef I cood only wallop one wunst more, methinks
I cood die happy!”

The trouble is, we oppose nigger suffrage from too many
stand-pints. Some oppose it on the skore uv the inferiority of
the Afrikin; but our people may hev assented to it outwardly,
but in ther own minds they objected. “Ef,” sed a reliable
Dimokrat to hisself, “ef that's the rool, WAT IN THUNDER IS TO
BECOME UV ME!”

Likewise the idea uv onfitness. “They can't read nor rite!”
shreeks a injoodishus cuss, speekin to a audience, two thirds
uv wich go to him reglerly to reed their ballots to em, and
who, when they sign promissory notes, put an X atween their
first and last names.

Anuther speeker quotes Noah to em, and boldly asserts that
the nigger is the descendant uv Ham, and that he is the identikle
indivijjle wich wuz cust by Noah; but he runs agin the
fact that the rest uv em, wich is in Afrika yet, hev managed to
dodge the cuss, ez they ain't servin ther white brethren, and
them wich wuz brot here to be Chrischinized hev busted ther
bonds, and are jest about ez free ez anybody.

I want a Convenshun uv the lights uv the party to set forth
authoritively WHY we oppose nigger suffrage — to give a
reason for it, that all our people may act together, ez do other
well-regulated machines.

I hev made up my mind wot platform to lay down. I shel
go back on Ham, Hager, and Onesimus. I shel turn from the
inferiority idea, and take the broad ground that the nigger is a
beast; that he ain't a man at all; and consekently he hez no
more rites than any other animal. I put my foot onto him by
authority of the decree that unto man wuz given dominion
over the beasts; that we are men, and they are beasts. Ef
they admit the first proposishen, they will the last. I shel
assert boldly and brodly his onfitnis to mingle with us, becoz
his fizzikle structure bein different, goes to show that he wuz

uv a different origin, and uv a lower origin. I shel plant
myself on the stoopenjus, yet simple proposishen, that the
Almity made him at a different time and for a different purpus,
wich I shel show by citin the color uv his skin, the length
uv his foot, the shape uv his head, and sich other matters as I
kin git together in time for the Convenshen.

Uv course this doctrine will meet with objectors. We hev a
few thin-skinned perfessers uv religion, whose piety service in
our ranks hezn't quite obliterated, who will say that these dogmas
undermines the Christian religion. To this I shel answer,
Uv wot comparison is any religion a Orthodox Dimocrat hez
to a triumph uv the party? Wot hez Dimocrisy to do with
religion anyhow? It hez never permitted it to mix in its
pollytix. Dimocrisy bleeves in keepin Church and State ez
far apart ez possible.

Shood the Ablishnists pint to niggers wich reed and write,
I say to-wunst that there is different degrees uv instink, —
that ez one dorg hez more instink than another, that so one
nigger hez more than another; and then I shood wind this
answer up by askin him, “Sir, wood you force yoor dawter to
marry a nigger, even ef he cood reed and write?” This hez
alluz done good service, partikelerly ef yoo walk hurridly
away before there is time for an answer.

Ther is one pint wich is a stumper — but only one. One
man to whom I unfolded this theory, asked me, sneerinly, wat
I wuz a goin to do with a mulatter who wuz half white and
half black — half man and half beast — half instink, wich dies
with him, and half sole, wich wuz to be saved and fitted for
the skies, or lost? When a mulatter dies, wat then? Does
the half sole uv the half man drag the instink uv the beast
behind it in a limpin, lop-sided fashion, into heaven? or does
the instink drag the sole into the limbo for animals? “Ef this
latter idea be correct,” sed he, “in that limbo how much Southern
sole is floatin about, held in solooshen in animal instink!”

We hed a meetin last nite to consider this nigger question,
wich wood hev resultid in great good, and hed a powerful
inflooence towards strengthenin the hands uv our brethren in
the North, who are fightin the heresy uv nigger suffrage, hed
it not bin for that irritashen, Pollock, and that pest, Joe Bigler.

I hed made my regler speech on the nigger, and with much
effect. I hed quoted from sumboddy's quotashen from Agassiz,
which demonstrated the radicle difference there is atween the
Afrikin and the proud Caucashen, arguin from the length uv
his heel and arm, the thickness uv his skull, and so forth, that
the nigger wuz totally unfit to exercise the rites uv free men.
I wuz applauded vociferously, and by none more than Pollock
and Joe Bigler. Ez I took my seat, and wuz a wipin the perspirashen
from my classikle brow, feelin that I hed settled that
question, Pollock riz, and desired to say a few words.

“I hev listened with interest to the elokent speeker, and am
happy to say I hev learned fax wich is new to me. Ef I hev
ever doubted the inferiority uv the nigger, them doubts are
removed, pervidin alluz, that the statements uv the speeker is
troo, uv wich I hev no doubt, ez the caracter uv the speeker is
a suffishent guarantee for the trooth uv wichever he sez.”

I bowed, stately-like, with the air uv one to whom sich compliments
wuz a every-day affair, wich they ain't, by no means;
on the contrary, quite the reverse.

“But I want it demonstrated to the satisfackshen uv the
most obtoose. I want rite here a measurement uv the average
Afrikin and the average white man, that all the world may
know the difference. I move that it be did.”

I acceded. “Let it be done,” sed I, “that the vexed question
may be settled forever.”

Joe Bigler sed he saw Napoleon Johnson — a nigger wich
wunst belonged to Deekin Pogram — in the audience. “Napoleon,”
sed he, “will yoo contribbit yoorself to the great
science uv ethnology? Ain't yoo willin to let us yoose yoo a
while to demonstrate the grate and growin trooth, that yoor
grandfather wuz a monkey? Step up, Napoleon.”

Napoleon stept up, and Pollock and I measured him, with
this result: —

         

Height	5 feet 8 inches.
Weight	150 lbs. averdupoise.
Length uv foot	12 inches.
Breadth uv foot	5 inches.
Length uv hand	8½ inches.

         

Breadth uv hand	4 inches.
Length uv forearm	11 inches.
Length uv bone from ankle to knee	6 inches.
Projeckshun uv heel	4 inches.
Capassity uv skull, wich, bein the top or cap uv the vertebral column, so to speek, is, accordin to Hippocratees, a trooly scientific Greek, a very important bone for pretty much all uv the races	66 cubic inches.

“Now,” sed Pollock, “let us examine in the same way a
avrage specimen uv the Caucashen race, ez he is found in this
delectable spot. Will Issaker Gavitt be good enuff to step
forrerd? I perpose to demonstrate the sooperiority uv the
Caucashen with a two foot rool. Figgers won't lie.”

Issaker stept up and wuz measured: —

                   

Height	5 feet 8 inches.
Weight	150 lbs.
Length uv hand	7½ inches.
Breadth uv hand	3½ inches.
Length uv foot	11 inches.
Breadth uv foot	4½ inches.
Projeckshen uv heel	1½ inches.
Length uv forearm	10 inches.
Length uv bone from ankle to knee	15 inches.
Capassity uv skull	97 cubic inches.

Pollock wuz delited! “Here,” sed he, “it is in a nut-shell.
Issaker hez a shorter hand, a more narrer hand, a shorter and
narrerer foot, and his heel projecks less than the nigger's by
2½ inches! Good Lord, how I hev bin deseeved! Wat errors
I hev bin nussin! How kin a human bein hev intelleck whose
heel projecks four inches? How rejoict am I that I am at last
set rite on these important pints!”

I smiled beniantly onto him.

Bigler riz. “I, too,” sed he, “am satisfied that the nigger
is not wat we, who wuz disposed to consider him fit to exercise

rites, supposed him to be. I held firm when the measurement
uv his hands and arms wuz bein made, but the heel staggered
me. It's clear that no one kin hev intelleck whose leg isn't set
in his foot better than that. I shel persoo this investigashen.
Hevin now a startin-pint, — a heel, ez I may say, to stand on,
— I shel go on to prove the inferiority uv the nigger. With
that heel for a fulcrum, I shel, with the lever uv trooth, proceed
to upset the fabric uv nigger ekality, and carry confooshen
into Boston. I shel assoom that Napoleon is a average specimen
uv the lower, or unintellectooal Afriken type. Is it so?”

“It is! It is!” yelled we all, delited at the happy turn the
thing wuz takin.

“I shell also assoom that Issaker Gavitt is a avrage uv the
higher or intellectooal Caucashen type. Is it so?”

“Certinly! Certinly!”

“Very well. Now quake, Massachoosets! Napoleon, kin
yoo read?”

I saw the trap into wich we hed fallen, and risin hastily,
protestid that the examinashen hed bin carried far enuff,
but Bigler swore he wuz a goin to kiver Massachoosets with
shame.

“Kin yoo read, Napoleon?”

“Yes, sah!”

“Read this, then,” sed Bigler, handin him a noosepaper.

The nigger read it ez peert ez a Noo England skool marm,
wich well he mite, ez he learned it from one uv em.

“Kin yoo write?”

“Certinly;” and takin a pencil he writ half uv the Declarashen
uv Independence.

“Set down, Napoleon. It's a devilish pity yoor heels is so
long; otherwise yood be credited with hevin intellek. Now
Issaker, my bold Caucashen, kin yoo read?”

“I protest!” shreeked I, in agony. “Issaker, don't answer
the skoffer at ethnology!”

But Issaker, white ez a sheet, and tremblin under the eye
uv Bigler, stuttered “No!”

“Kin yoo rite, my gay desendant uv the sooperior race?”

“No!”

“Kin yoo cipher?”

“What in thunder's the yoose uv cipherin, when the old man
alluz kep a nigger to do his figgerin?”

“Set down, Issaker. We're done with you. There's an
error sumwher. The nigger's capassity uv skull is less by
sevral cubic inches, but he seems to hev made a lively yoose
uv wat he hez. But it's all rite, Parson. Issaker shel vote, and
the nigger shan't. Reedin and writin never wuz a qualificashen
for votin down here, any way. Possibly the seat uv the
intellek is in the heel instead uv the brain, wich accounts
for the nigger's hevin the most uv it.”

And Pollock and Bigler, and the niggers present, left the
meetin-house, laffin uproarously.

I doubt whether the result uv the investigashen will help
our friends North. The fact is, it wuz overdone. It wuz
carried too fur. There is a pint at wich facts ought to stop —
Dimekratic facts in partikeler. In this instance, the investigashen
shood never hev bin carried beyond the heel. Hed it
stopt there, we wood hev hed em. But carryin it to the
radical pint to wich Bigler and Pollock took it, the foundashen
we built wuz upset, and we are all at sea agin.