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The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby

embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings, likewise his views of men and things : together with the lectures "Cussid be Canaan," "The struggles of a conservative with the woman question," and "In search of the man of sin"
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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LIII. THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM.
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Page 137

53. LIII.
THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM.

[1] The nominashens uv the Chicago Convenshun is made, and
altho they don't soot me, I shall support em. Post-orfises
can't be attained by us thro Linkin — Micklellan is the way,
and as a Dimekratik prophet I remark, “Walk ye in it.”

But I'm hevin a time with my flock. Ther's more uv a
diversity uv opinion than I ever saw among Dimekrats afore,
and I'm afeered that my gigantik intellek ain't hefty enuff to
reconcile the differences. I called a meetin last nite, in the
hopes uv settlin matters and restorin harmony.

I took the cheer, and made a few elokent remarks. Brothers
Siples, Spot, Hopp, and Gamp, who hev faith to bleeve they'll
respectively hold the orfises uv assessor, collecter, postmaster,
and provo marshel, on the strength uv remarks I made to em,
wuz enthoosiastik for Micklellan. They bleeved him to be the


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Dimekratik Messiah, raised up expressly to save the instooshn.
They shood give him a hearty, cordial support.

Brother Punt, who boards me on tick, and who furnishes me
likker on the same terms, wich is ez good ez I cood wish, and
who expex payment wen I git a orfis, wuz enthoosiastiker for
Micklellan than any uv us. He wuz surprised at the apathy that
pervailed, wen so much wuz at stake. He perposed three
cheers for Micklellan. Brothers Siples, Spot, Gamp, Hopp,
Punt, and myself cheerd with the wildest enthoosiasm.

At this pint Brother Guttle ariz. He hed heard nonsence
enuff. He wuz under 45, and wuz able-bodied. Consekently
he jined the Sons uv Liberty, and bought a revolver, and had
his rifle fixed. Wat wuz to be done with them tools? Wuz
he to hev no opportoonity to yoose em? Wat he wantid to
know, wuz Micklellan peace or war? Ef he wuz peace, all
rite. He'd ez soon shoot provo marshels under his banner, ez
anybody's, but bein a peace man, he must shoot somebody.
He hed a neighbor read the platform to him day before yesterday.
He must say he wuz disgusted. We are peace. We
bleeve in State-rites, in immejit recognishun uv Suthern
independence, and wuz opposed to coershun. To all uv wich
he hed sworn. He dident go much on oaths, but wen a oath
sootid him he'd keep it. Why didn't the convenshun say
peace? Ef he hed got to be dragged into the army like a
peace lamb to the slawter, he'd ez soon let Linkin drag him ez
Micklellan. It wuz the draggin into the field that he objectid to
— not the man who dragged him. He wanted to know, he did.

I replied to this misguidid man. I assomed that majestic,
lofty, penetratin gaze, wich only two men in Ameriky possest
— me and D. Webster. I told him that obedience wuz the
fust principle uv Dimokrasy. The convenshun — OUR convenshun,
hed nominatid — all we hed to do wuz to vote. Ef the
convenshun hed seen fit to nominate a war man, on a war
platform, it wood hev bin our dooty to hev votid it; but the
convenshun wuz not hard on us. It accommodated us all.
Are yoo a War Dimekrat? Wasn't Micklellan a gineral?
Isn't he the inventor uv drafts? Didn't he arrest the Maryland
Legislacher? Are yoo a peace man? Didn't the majestik
Micklellan endorse Judge Woodward? Didn't he take the


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nominashun at the hands uv Vallandigum? Are yoo a Suthern
man? Ask any Suthern gineral who he'd ruther see at the
head uv our armies, and he'd answer, in thunder tones, Micklellan!
Then the platform. Is ther anything in it agin war?
Is ther anything in it agin peace? It is a accommodatin
platform, halleloogy! Brother Hopp, who is a thirstin after
human gore, can slake his thirst at this fountain. To Brother
Guttle, who wuz a peace man, this platform wuz the white-winged
angel herself. I hevn't eggsamined it critikally, but I
hevn't the slightest doubt that the doctrin uv fore ordinashen,
or total depravity, or elecshun, or free grace, kin be proved
from it concloosively.

It's a broad platform. Ther wuz room on it for Fernandywood
and Sam Cox, for Vallandigum and Seymore — the
pyramid built on said platform has room on the apex for Micklellan
with his gory sword, and Pendleton with his olive-branch,
halleloogy!

Brother Guttle wuz reprimanded. I hevn't any doubt that
my Church will be a unit in support uv the nominashens. Ef
we cood stop the runnin to Canady in consekens uv the draft,
I hev no doubt we wood hev our usual majority.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
 
[1]

General George B. McClellan, a graduate of West Point, a martinet of some
skill and proficiency, who had served in the Mexican war with some credit
as a subaltern, was, by the manœuvring of certain Ohio Democrats, made
Major General of the Ohio forces, before the regular organization of the army
by the General Government. He was rapidly pushed forward, chiefly by
politicians of the party to which he belonged. President Lincoln desired to
welcome into the army all patriotic and serviceable men, without distinction of
party, and gave the rising officer all the credit and advantage his friends claimed
for him. The Administration gave him its entire confidence, and few men have
ever had such splendid opportunity to gain military renown as General McClellan
had. But he seemed more anxious to perpetuate slavery, and to provide for the
future of the Democratic party, than to subdue the armies of the rebellion.
His period of service was one of deep and painful solicitude to the more discerning
and patriotic men of the country, and the patience of President Lincoln
towards him was a sore trial to many of his best friends, and begat more distrust
of his administration than anything else connected with his official course.
When the time came for the Democracy to use the “young Napoleon” they
had had in training for the Presidential candidacy, he was in a very poor plight
for the race. His martial philosophy — his theory of the principles on which
the war should be conducted — was fatally defective, and his military efforts in
the main ineffective and disastrous. He made, therefore, only a weak and
unpopular candidate for the party which expected so much of him.