53. LIII.
THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM.
Church of the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 8th, 1864.
[1]
The nominashens uv the Chicago Convenshun is made, and
altho they don't soot me, I shall support em. Post-orfises
can't be attained by us thro Linkin — Micklellan is the way,
and as a Dimekratik prophet I remark, “Walk ye in it.”
But I'm hevin a time with my flock. Ther's more uv a
diversity uv opinion than I ever saw among Dimekrats afore,
and I'm afeered that my gigantik intellek ain't hefty enuff to
reconcile the differences. I called a meetin last nite, in the
hopes uv settlin matters and restorin harmony.
I took the cheer, and made a few elokent remarks. Brothers
Siples, Spot, Hopp, and Gamp, who hev faith to bleeve they'll
respectively hold the orfises uv assessor, collecter, postmaster,
and provo marshel, on the strength uv remarks I made to em,
wuz enthoosiastik for Micklellan. They bleeved him to be the
Dimekratik Messiah, raised up expressly to save the instooshn.
They shood give him a hearty, cordial support.
Brother Punt, who boards me on tick, and who furnishes me
likker on the same terms, wich is ez good ez I cood wish, and
who expex payment wen I git a orfis, wuz enthoosiastiker for
Micklellan than any uv us. He wuz surprised at the apathy that
pervailed, wen so much wuz at stake. He perposed three
cheers for Micklellan. Brothers Siples, Spot, Gamp, Hopp,
Punt, and myself cheerd with the wildest enthoosiasm.
At this pint Brother Guttle ariz. He hed heard nonsence
enuff. He wuz under 45, and wuz able-bodied. Consekently
he jined the Sons uv Liberty, and bought a revolver, and had
his rifle fixed. Wat wuz to be done with them tools? Wuz
he to hev no opportoonity to yoose em? Wat he wantid to
know, wuz Micklellan peace or war? Ef he wuz peace, all
rite. He'd ez soon shoot provo marshels under his banner, ez
anybody's, but bein a peace man, he must shoot somebody.
He hed a neighbor read the platform to him day before yesterday.
He must say he wuz disgusted. We are peace. We
bleeve in State-rites, in immejit recognishun uv Suthern
independence, and wuz opposed to coershun. To all uv wich
he hed sworn. He dident go much on oaths, but wen a oath
sootid him he'd keep it. Why didn't the convenshun say
peace? Ef he hed got to be dragged into the army like a
peace lamb to the slawter, he'd ez soon let Linkin drag him ez
Micklellan. It wuz the draggin into the field that he objectid to
— not the man who dragged him. He wanted to know, he did.
I replied to this misguidid man. I assomed that majestic,
lofty, penetratin gaze, wich only two men in Ameriky possest
— me and D. Webster. I told him that obedience wuz the
fust principle uv Dimokrasy. The convenshun — OUR convenshun,
hed nominatid — all we hed to do wuz to vote. Ef the
convenshun hed seen fit to nominate a war man, on a war
platform, it wood hev bin our dooty to hev votid it; but the
convenshun wuz not hard on us. It accommodated us all.
Are yoo a War Dimekrat? Wasn't Micklellan a gineral?
Isn't he the inventor uv drafts? Didn't he arrest the Maryland
Legislacher? Are yoo a peace man? Didn't the majestik
Micklellan endorse Judge Woodward? Didn't he take the
nominashun at the hands uv Vallandigum? Are yoo a Suthern
man? Ask any Suthern gineral who he'd ruther see at the
head uv our armies, and he'd answer, in thunder tones, Micklellan!
Then the platform. Is ther anything in it agin war?
Is ther anything in it agin peace? It is a accommodatin
platform, halleloogy! Brother Hopp, who is a thirstin after
human gore, can slake his thirst at this fountain. To Brother
Guttle, who wuz a peace man, this platform wuz the white-winged
angel herself. I hevn't eggsamined it critikally, but I
hevn't the slightest doubt that the doctrin uv fore ordinashen,
or total depravity, or elecshun, or free grace, kin be proved
from it concloosively.
It's a broad platform. Ther wuz room on it for Fernandywood
and Sam Cox, for Vallandigum and Seymore — the
pyramid built on said platform has room on the apex for Micklellan
with his gory sword, and Pendleton with his olive-branch,
halleloogy!
Brother Guttle wuz reprimanded. I hevn't any doubt that
my Church will be a unit in support uv the nominashens. Ef
we cood stop the runnin to Canady in consekens uv the draft,
I hev no doubt we wood hev our usual majority.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.