134. CXXXIV.
MR. NASBY DESIRES CONFIRMATION. — IS ADVISED
HOW TO PROCEED BY THE PRESIDENT, BUT
REJECTS THE PROPOSITION WITH SCORN.
Washington, D. C., March 20, 1867.
[1]
Washington agin! What changes hev been made in the
last two years! Not in Washington, for this deliteful abode
uv official purity hezn't changed a particle, nor never will.
From the summit uv Willard's Hotel I kin see now, ez I did a
year ago, the same signs uv “steamed oysters;” the Capitle,
in front, towrin over the trees at the tother end uv the avenue,
and behind, the Patent Offis and Post Offis buildings; the first
the Mecca uv every Dimokrat, and the tother uv every
Yankee who comes here. No! Washington ain't changed,
but I hev. Formerly, when I visited Washington, it wuz tite
times with me. Willard's wuz my hotel then ez now. In them
days, before the happy return uv A. Johnson to reason put
some thousands uv Democrats, who hed more stumic than
money, and more appetite than small change, into offis, and,
per consekence, into condition to pay their bills, I wuz a guest
at this hotel; which is to say, I slept on the steps uv the
Capitol, and took, or tried to take, my meals at Chadwick's
bountiful board. Ef I hed no currency, I hed taste; and ez I
wuz foragin for subsistence, I alluz made it a pint to forage on
the richest paster fields. It's ez easy to cheek a first class
dinner ez it is a second class; and besides, I felt that sich a
hotel ez Willard's wuz better able to stand sich boarders ez I
wuz than them of less patronage. I kept away from the
tother hotels out of sympathy for the proprietors. Never shel
I forget my last visit here. I hed run the dinin-room guardian
angel for a week, and wuz congratulatin myself on another
week at least, when the landlord stopped me hisself, and the
follerin conversashen ensood: —
“My friend,” sed he, in winnin tones.
“Davis, Garret, is my name!” sez I, promptly.
“We hear enuff,” sez he. “Listen! I've let you run a
week, coz it's my regler practis. Yoo hed a hungry look, but
by this time yoo ought to be filled up and able to go at least a
week without eatin. Ez yoo ain't uv no earthly yoose to any
body, and make no pretensions to bein ornamental — Git!” and
three well-directed kicks landed me onto the sidewalk.
But I hev forgiven him. He treats me well. He hez confidence
in me now, ez I hev paid my board in advance. It's a
rool he hez, he jocosely remarked, with men of my peculiar
cast uv countenance, to hev em pay in advance. He says it's
much the best way. After payin, sich men ez me feel more
comfortable about the house, and so do the proprietors. It's
me that is changed, — I hev money to pay my bills. Bless the
Lord for Seward, Johnson, Randall, and other luxuries!
But pleasant ez it is to contrast my former posishen with my
present proud one, I hev not time to dwell upon reminiscences.
Life is short; I am a practical man; and tho it may be pleasant
to linger for a moment onto memry's pleasant fields, I cannot.
My biznis in Washington is precisely what every Democrat's
biznis here is, to get confirmed. It ain't no trouble for a
Kentucky Dimecrat to git appinted, for the President hez so
far relaxed his rules in this pertikeler ez to appint them ez
wuzn't never in the Confedrit army; but to get confirmed is the
pinch. There's the gauntlet uv a Ablishen Senit to run; and,
good Lord, wat a knowlege they hev uv the out-goins and
in-comins of the appintees!
The President and Postmaster-General Randall wuz extremely
anxious for my confirmation, so much so, that they
advised me to resort to the strategy now so common in the
North.
“Go back on me for the time bein,” sed that trooly great
and good man who adorns the sofas in the Presidenshul Manshen.
“Wilcox em. That's yoor only holt: Wilcox em. I
advised him to do it, and see how it worked.”
“My dear sir,” sed I, carried away by this new and onexpected
development uv greatness, “kin yoo bear to hev me
who bears yoor banner in Kentucky bend the knee to a
Ablishen Senit, and repoodiate yoo, even for a hour? It is
safe in my case, for my nateral affinities are with yoo, but don't,
I beg uv yoo, advise all uv em to do so. My deer sir, two
thirds uv em will go out for confirmashen, and, ef successful,
will forgit to return.”
But the great and good Johnson wood take no denials.
“Draw up,” sed he, “a letter to a conservative member uv
Congress, explainin yoor connection with me, and —”
And overkum with emoshen, he bust into tears.
Sadly I undertook the task, and after four hours uv intense
labor, the followin wuz completed: —
“My dear Sir: My confirmashen by the Senit uv the
Yoonited States to the posishen uv Postmaster at the Confederit
× Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, bein somewhat
jeopardized by my operashuns in the politikle field doorin
the past two years, I hev the honor to explain that, notwithstandin
the fact that I wuz a original Demokrat, early in the
war I took up arms for the preservashen uv our beloved
Yoonion. The precise date I cannot give, owin to the demoralized
condishen uv my mind at the time; but that yoo
can assertane for yoorselves. It wuz about two weeks after
the fust draft. That I laid down arms agin ez soon ez the
regiment struck Southern sile will not, when the motives wich
actooated me are known, be allowed to weigh agin me. It hez
bin sed I deserted to the enemy, — so it wuz sed uv John
Champe, but history subsekently vindicated him; he went to
ketch Arnold. I will not stop to reply to my defamers; but
ef it comes out finally that I went for the purpose uv satisfyin
rebels by okular demonstrashun that they hed nothin to hope
for from the Northern Democrats, uv whom I am a average
specimen, what kin my enemies say then?
“I do not deny that I wuz a ardent supporter uv President
Johnson from the beginning uv his career. I wuz filled with
a drafted man's magnanimity toward a conkered foe, and up to
the very day I reseeved my commishen I favored consilatory
measures. I accompanied him on his — I will not say disgraceful,
for he is my sooperior officer — tour thro the Northern
States, and slung my hat higher nor anybody else's at his
— I will not say drunken, for reasons above mentioned —
speeches, and aboozed the highly intelligent populaces at
Cleveland, Injeanapolis, Springfield, and other pints, in a manner
wich, now that I think uv it, wuz trooly shameful. Also, I
organized the Postmasters uv various Northern States into
a Johnson party, and vigorously supported members uv Congress
pledged to the policy uv wich I wuz, at the time, a
deceeved supporter. About this time I wuz appointed Postmaster;
and, findin I needed confirmashen, my views undergoed
a radical change. Time and observashen hev taught me
that instid uv consiliashen, coershen is our best holt; and that
now military measures are necessary in the South ontil them
rebellyus people completely acquiesce in terms imposed by
Congris for restorashen. My views on this interestin topic is
best defined by the recent speeches uv Hon. Charles Sumner,
the eminent and trooly great Senator from the enlitened State
uv Massachusetts, and also by the recent utterances uv them
lovable Representatives, Thadeus Stevens, uv Pennsylvania,
and General Butler, uv Massachoosetts, in all uv whose sentiments,
sich as they hev now, and also them ez they hev alluz
hed, as well ez them which they may hereafter hev, I most
heartily and entirely concur.
“With this explanation, wich I hope will prove entirely
satisfactory, and with the addishnel asshoorance that I am
now a very warm supporter of the Congressional policy, and
that when I look back and see what I hev bin a doin for the
past two years, I so loathe myself that I kin hardly be restrained
from sooisidin, may I ask you to personnaly urge my
confirmation in the Senit?
“Trooly and Respectfully Yours,
“Petroleum V. Nasby.”
I read this epistle to A. Johnson, who wuz pleased to
approve it, and also to Randall, who wuz delited with it, and to
Welles, who, after forcing me to read it twice over, wanted to
know if it had anything to do with the Navy Department, and
then returned to the President with my mind fully made up
that I never would send that document.
“Wat?” sed he, startin back astonished, “not send it?”
“Never!” sed I. “Never! Sich things may do for Postmasters
and Assessors wich you took from the Republican
ranks, but not for me. I hev done many things wich perhaps
woodn't hold out sixty pounds to the bushel — I voted for
Peerce and likewise for Bookannon, and supported em in all
their various dooins, besides other things too tejus to menshun;
but my sensitive soul recoils at this, — my proud
stumick revolts. I leave it for yoor Custers and Wilcoxes
and sich, — no Kentucky Dimokrat kin. Let them refooze to
confirm me at their peril. I am the only Dimocrat in ten miles
who kin write, and they dare not, by turning me out, deprive
Kentucky, wich never seceded, uv mail facilities.”
“Brave man!” exclaimed Johnson, in a husky voice, and his
eyes suffused with tears, fallin onto my neck and weepin profoosely
down my back, “let em reject yoo. Ef they do, I
pledge yoo my word, and will give yoo sekoority now if yoo
desire it, that yoo shell hev a partnership with Mrs. Cobb, or
Mrs. Perry, wich is worth a score uv post offices.”
I hev allus noticed that virchoo is its own reward. By bein
troo, wot a feeld is now open to me. Let the Senit do its
worst.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
