1. I.
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH.
Confedrit × Roads }
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky,)
Jan. 29, 1872.
To the Publisher:
Enclosed find photograff uv myself, ez you desired. To
make a strikin picter, I flung myself into the attitood, and
assoomed the expreshun wich mite hev bin observed onto
my classikle countenance when in the act uv deliverin my
justly celebrated sermon, “The wages uv Sin is Death.” The
$2.00 wich yoo remitted to kiver the cost uv the picter wuz, I
regret to say, insuffishent. The picter cost 75 cents, and it
took $1.50 worth uv Bascom's newest whisky to stiddy my
nerves to the pint uv undergoin the agony uv sittin three
minits in front uv the photograffer. I need not say that he
is a incendiary from Massachoosets. Ez the deceased Elder
Gavitt's son, Issaker, hez expressed a burnin desire to possess
his apparatus, it is probable that public safety will very shortly
require his expulsion. But I hed my revenge — in his pocket
is none uv my postal currency. Sekoorin the picter, I told
him I wood take it home, and ef my intimit friends, those who
knowd me, shood decide it wuz a portrait, I wood call and pay
for it afore he left the Corners. Will I do it? Will this
picter-takin Ablishnist ever more behold me? Ekko ansers.
Yoo may remit the odd twenty-five cents, either by draft on
Noo York, or money order, at my resk.
I wuz born in the year 1806, at — I will not say where. I
hev reasons for conceelin my birthplace. I don't want to set
any town in that State up in biznis. That town hez gone
loonatic, and gives Ablishn majorities friteful to contemplate,
and I don't want to benefit it by givin it a nashnel reputashen.
I don't want to double the price uv its property — to be the
means uv erectin a dozen, or sich a matter, uv fust class hotels
to accommodate the crowds ez wood make pilgrimages thither
to visit my birthplace. The present owner uv the house into
wich I first opened my eyes onto a world uv sin, is a Ablishnist
of the darkest dye, and I hev no desire to enrich him. Never,
by word uv mine, shel he cut that house up into walkin sticks
and buzzum pins.
My boyhood wuz spent in the pursoot uv knollege and muskrats,
mostly the latter. I wuz a promisin child. My parence
wuz Democrats uv the strictest kind, my mother in partikeler.
She hatid eny one that wuzn't Dimocratic with a hatred that I
never saw ekalled. When I say that she woodent borrer tea
and sugar and sich uv Whig nabers, the length, and breadth,
and depth of her Dimocrisy will be understood.
From sheer cussidnis I shood hev probably hev bin a Whig,
hed not a insident occurred in my boyhood days, wich satisfied
me that the Dimocrisy wuz my approprit and nateral abidinplace.
It wuz in this wise:
In a playful mood, wun nite, I bustid open a grosery, and
appropriatid, ez a jest, what loose change ther wuz in the
drawer (alars! in these degenerit days uv paper currency, the
enterprisin theef hez to steel at 10 per cent. discount), and
sich other notions ez struck my boyish fancy. I indoost a
nigger boy, sumwhat younger than myself, to aid me, and
when we hed bagged the game, I, feelin in my pride ez wun
hevin the proud Anglo-Sacksun blood a coursin toomulchusly
thro his vanes, what Cheef-Justis Taney hez sence made law,
to-wit: that the nigger hez no rites which the white man is
bound to respeck, whaled him till he resined the entire proceeds
uv the spekulashen to me. The degraded wretch,
devoid uv every prinsiple uv honor, blowed on me, and we
wuz both arrested.
The Justis uv the Pease wuz a Whig! and after a hurried
eggsaminashen, he sentenst ME! wun uv his own race! uv
his own blood! uv his own parentige! to impriznment for
THIRTY DAYS! on bred and water, and the nigger to only
ten, on the ground that I wuz the cheef offender!
My mother beggd and prayd, with teers a stremin down
her venrable cheeks faster than she cood wipe em up with
her gingum apern, that the arrangement mite be reverst — the
nigger the 30 and I the 10 — but no! Cold ez a stun, inflexible
ez iron, bludlis ez a turnip, I wuz inkarseratid, and stayed
my time.
Sullenly I emerged from them walls, on the evenin uv the
30th day, a changed indivijooel. Liftin my hands to heven, I
vowd three vows, to-wit:
1. That I wood devote my life to the work uv redoosin the
Afrikin to his normal speer.
2. That I wood adopt a perfeshn into wich I cood steel without
bein hauled up fer it.
3. That the water I hed consoomed while in doorance vile,
wuz the last that wood ever find its way, undilootid, into my
stumick.
Hentz, I jined the Dimocrisy, and whoever eggsamines my
record, will find that I hev kep my oaths!
Uv my childhood, I know but little. My father wuz a
leadin man in the humble speer in which he moved, holdin, at
different times, the various offices in the town up to constable,
the successive steps bein road supervisor and pound
master. He wuz elected constable, and mite probably hev
gone higher, but for an accident that occurred to him the first
month. He collected a judgment for $18, and the money wuz
paid to him. The good man wuz a talented collector, but wuz
singlerly careless in payin over what he collected. Ez showin
the pekoolier bent uv genuis uv the old man, I repeet a conversashen
I wunst heerd. A man who hed an account to collect,
wuz consultin one who knowd my father well, ez to the
safety uv puttin a claim into his hands.
“Is he a good collector?” askt the man.
“Splendid!” sed the naber.
“Is he a man uv responsibility?” askt the man.
“Sir!” sed the naber, “he hez the ability, but yoo'll find,
when yoo try to git yoor money out uv his hands, that he lacks
the response.”
Cood ther hev bin a more tetchin triboot?
He wuz like all men uv genius, unbalanced. His ability
was all on one side. The grovelin plaintiff, who didn't admire
sich erratic flites, raised a ruckshen about the paltry sum, and
my father
“Folded his tent like the Arabs,
And ez silently stole away.”
From that time out, the old gentleman migrated — in fact,
he lived mostly on the road. He adopted movin ez a perfeshun,
and a very profitable one he made uv it. When his
hoss died, the nabors, rather than not hev him move, wood
chip in and raise him another. Appreshiatin the compliment
they pade him, he alluz went. I menshun these pekooliarities
uv my ancestor, becoz
“The lives uv all grate men remind us
We may make our lives sublime,
And, departin, leave behind us —”
ef our talent runs in that direckshun, ez many debts ez he did,
though it does require espeshel talents.
This hed its inflooence upon my yoothful mind. I saw not
only a great deal uv the country, but much uv mankind, and I
acquired that adaptability to circumstances wich hez ever
distinguished me. Even to this day, ef I can't git gin I
take whiskey without a murmur and without repinin.
My politicks hez ever bin Dimocratic, and I may say,
without egotism, I hev been a yooseful member uv that
party. I voted for Jackson seven times, and for every succeedin
Dimocratic candidate ez many times ez possible.
My Dimocrisy wuzn't partikerly confirmed until I arrived at
the age uv twenty-four. My father wuz intimately acquainted
with me, and knowd all my carakteristics ez well ez tho he hed
bin the friend uv my buzzum. One day, ez I wuz a layin on
my back under a tree, contemplatin the beauties uv nacher, my
parent, sez he,—
“Pete” (which is short for my name), “ef yoo ever marry,
marry a milliner!”
“Why, father uv mine?” replied I, openin my eyes.
“Becoz, my son,” sed he, “she'll hev a trade wich'll support
yoo, otherwise yoo'll die uv starvashen when I'm gone.”
I thot the idea wuz a good one. Thro woman a cuss come
into the world, wich cuss wuz labor; and I wuz determined
that ez woman hed bin the coz uv requirin somebody to sweat
for the bread I eat, woman should do that sweatin for me.
That nite I perposed to a milliner in the village, and she rejectid
my soot. I offered myself, in rapid succeshun, to a
widder, who wuz a washerwoman, and to a woman who hed
boys old enuff to work, with the same result, when, feelin that
suthin wuz nessary to be done to sekoor a pervision for life, I
married a nigger washerwoman wich didn't feel above me.
Wood you blieve it? Within an hour after the ceremony
wuz pronounst, she sold her persnel property, consistin uv a
wash-tub and board, and a assortment uv soap, and investin the
proceeds in a red calico dress and a pair uv earrings, insisted
on my going to work to support her! and the township
authorities not only maintained her in her loonacy, but refused
to extend releef to me, on the ground that I wuz able-bodied.
Ez I left that nigger, I agin vowed to devote my life to the
work of gettin uv em down to where they wood hev to support
us, and that vow I hev relijusly fulfilled. I hev never felt
good, ceptin when they wuz put down a peg; I hev never
wept, save when they wuz bein elevated.
The offices I hev held hev not been many. I hed signers to
a petishun for a post-office in Jackson's time, but I killed my
chances by presentin it in person. The old hero looked at me,
and remarked that it wuzn't worth while throwin away post-offices
on sich — that when he wanted em, he cood buy em at
a dollar a dozen. Bookanan wuz agoin to appoint me, but
somehow my antecedents got to his ears, and he wuz afeerd uv
his respecktability; and I never succeeded till Androo Johnson
returned to his first love and embraced us.
I hed bin drafted into the Federal army at the beginnin uv
the war, and hed deserted to the Confederacy. Procoorin a
certifikit to that effeck, I applied for a pardon and a place.
He didn't like to give me the offis, but he wanted a party, and,
ez his appintments everywhere show, he coodn't be very
pertikeler. I succeeded! I bore with me to Kentucky a
commishun ez Post Master, and I wuz livin in the full enjoyment
uv that posishun, till ousted, and I may say, I wuz happy.
The society wuz conjenial. Ther is four groceries, onto
wich I could gaze from the winder uv my offis, and jest
beyond, enlivenin what wood otherwise be a dull landscape, is
a distillery, from wich the smoke uv the torment ascendeth
forever. I hed associates who reverenced me, and friends
who loved me. There wuz nuthin monotonous there. I hev
knowed ez many ez eight fites per day, though three or four
is considered enuff to break the tedium. And in those deliteful
pursoots, havin left behind me the ambishens uv wat mite
be called public life, with my daily bread sekoored, with my
other sustenance ashoored, with a frend alluz to share my
bottle, or, to speek with a greater degree uv akkooracy, frends
alluz willin to share ther bottles with me, I wuz glidin peacefly
down the stream uv time, dodgin the troubles, and takin ez
much uv the good uv life ez I could.
The twenty-five cents menshuned in the beginnin uv my
letter, you may, ez I remarked, remit either in postal order or
currency.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(Wich wuz Postmaster).
P. S. — Don't remit the twenty-five cents menshund in
postage stamps. I hev enuff to last me, ez they ain't in
demand here. Send it in currency. P. V. N.
