78. LXXVIII.
OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF SOLDIERS.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
August the 31st, 1865.
Ther wuz wunst a doctor who hed a pashent he wuz a
physikin. While the physik wuz a workin, he changed his
mind and administerd a vomit. The pashent's stumick wuz in
wat mite be called a dilemma. The physik wuz a pullin down,
the vomit wuz a pullin up, and the poor bowels, undecided
wich to foller, allowed the disease to fasten itself, when either
wood hev expelled it. The pashent died, and I am happy to
state that his estate wuz insolvent, and the ijeotik physician
didn't git his bill.
Jest so. Dimokrasy got the stumick-ake when the war commenst.
Fernandywood administerd the peace-puke, and Micklellan
dosed it with war-physick. The pashent is nearly ded,
and neither doctor will get rich out uv the assets.
I notice all over the North, Dimekratik convenshuns are
nominatin returned soljers for offis, wherever they kin ketch
one who will accept, and ther's but little trouble, for in every
county ther's orfisers who went into the service becoz uv
pay, who Ablishnized theirselves for continyooance, and who'll
flop back to us on the most reasonable terms.
I hev personal motives for objectin. Last winter these
demons were to home on furlo. Twenty uv em cum to my
peaceful dwellin, at the dead hour uv nite, seized my venerable
form and dragged me forth. They made me kneel into the
cold snow, on my naked knees, and with one hand uplifted,
and my shirt-tale a wavin in the wind, they made me take the
oath, and drink a pint uv water. The oath give me imflammashen
uv the brain, and the water inflammashen uv the bowels,
and for six weeks I lay, a ravin maniac.
I cood overlook this, for the Dimekrat who woodent sacrifice
his aged grandmother for the party, is unworthy the name;
but I object to nominatin them, for the follerin reasons also:
1. 'Tain't honest. In 1862 I called the soljers “Linkin
purps,” and the orfisers “shoulder-strapt hirelins,” and I meant
it. They wuz wagin a cruel and unholy war agin Dimokrasy;
they wuz redoosin our majorities in the Suthern States at the
rate uv some hundreds per day, and now to nominate them, is
a flop I'll never make.
2. 'Twon't pay. These fellers sold us out when they took
commishns; they sold out the Ablishnists when they flopt back
to us, and what guaranty hev we that they won't sell us out,
the next turn uv the wheel? Ef we cood git some decent
wuns it mite do; but, good Lord! the soljer who wood do this
wood be lower down than we is, wich wood bother a man. All
the votes that sich men cood controle, we hev alluz owned in
fee-simple.
3. 'Tain't justis to us original Copperheads. We endoored
the heat and burden uv the day; we resistid drafts; we damned
taxes; we wuz Fort Lafayeted and Fort Warined; 'twas us
who died in our door-yards. Wher wuz these orfisers then?
All the damage they did the guverment wuz in drawin pay
and rashens.
4. The reconstructed Demokrasy uv the South won't like it,
and to them, after all, we must look for success.
5. They acknowledged nigger equality, by allowin niggers
to fite with em.
6. We hev gone too fur to try the soljer-dodge. We opposed
the war; we opposed ther votin; we opposed the Ablishn in
votin pay and supplies, we opposed aid societies, and laft at
sanitary commishns; we opposed drafts at a time when they
needed help; and to go back on sich a record is ruther renchin,
and I won't do it.
7. Ef we undertake the soljer, we commit ourselves to payin
his penshuns, et settry. How wood the Suthern Dimokrasy
like that?
8. Ef we nominate men who servd, we disgust the deserters
and them ez went to Canady for the sake uv the cause.
We hev capital enuff in the nigger. Let us plant ourselves
boldly on shoor ground. Let us resolve that Goddelmity wuz
rite in makin the nigger our slave, tho he made a mistake in
implantin in his heavin buzm a cronic desire to run away from
his normal condishn. Let us hang out our banner, and inscribe
on its folds, “No marryin niggers!” “No payin a debt incurred
in a nigger war!” “Protect us from nigger equality!”
and sich other precepts ez cum within range uv the Dimekratik
intellek, and go in and win.
May the Lord hasten the day.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
