177. CLXXVII.
THE CORNERS HAVE A DISCUSSION AS TO THE
MATTER OF CARPET-BAGGERS.
Post Office, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 8, 1869.
The presence uv Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, at the
Corners, hez alluz bin a source uv uneasiness to the old settlers
— the bloo blooded chivalry, who hev alluz bin born here,
and who hev lived here from time immemorial. An Illinoyan
by birth, an Ablishnist by perfesion, and a Storekeeper by
practis, he hez, from his originel advent here, bin an unmitigated
thorn in the side uv the Kentuckians wich live at the Corners,
wich thorn hez rankled and rankled, till it hez festered
and finally broke.
There are sevral reasons why he hez bin unpopler. He
credited the citizens uv the Corners, on his first arrival, for
sich goods ez they needed, and hed the impoodence to insist
upon pay. Deekin Pogram, in less than two months from the
openin, wuz in his debt suthin over a hundred dollars, and the
wretch not only insisted on payment, but abslootly sood him,
and wood hev recovered the amount, hed Squire Gavitt, who
wuz then Justis uv the Peace, ishooed papers. Findin that
the officers uv the law uv the Corners wood not interfere in
favor uv a disturber, he refoozed to sell another dollar's worth
save for cash, and from that time he hez rigidly adhered to
that rool. Ez he keeps the only stock uv dry goods there is in
the Corners, the citizens are obliged to paternize him, and they
hev to pay. This iron hez bin entrin their soles for years, and
finally it wuz decidid to hist him, and take the chances uv
somebody else comin in his place. The ackshen uv citizens
wuz hastened, by the fact that two friends uv hizzen wuz
comin from his old home in Illinoy, to start a Wagon and
a Cooper shop in the Corners, wich wuz an increase uv just
that number uv carpet-baggers, besides wat hands they mite
bring with em.
This alarmed our citizens, and it wuz felt nessary to take
steps to stop it. Accordin a meetin wuz called uv the natives,
wich met last nite at the church.
In assoomin the chair (I am ex-offisho chairman uv all meetins
held at the Corners), I remarkt that the exigencis uv the
times demanded that suthin be done. The peece and yoonanimity
uv feelin uv the Corners coold not be disturbed by
the influx of carpet-baggers. The trooly Southern sole wuz
wrung, the Southern heart wuz bleedin, but there wuz a pint
beyond wich the Southern sole and heart cood not go, and that
pint wuz carpet-baggers. The Southern heart loathed the
spawn of the North, and the chivelrous Southern sole cood not
and wood not bear to hev Northern agitators okkepyin their
places and bringin with em their ijees, wich were alluz in
opposishen to ourn. Ef sich wuz to be the case, farewell the
sunny South and her instooshens. I ask in conclooshin for an
expresion uv opinyun from the citizens assembled.
To my consternashin, Joe Bigler riz, tho where he came
from I can't say. He commenst by remarkin that attachment
to one's native soil, and a desire to hold office in it, wuz one uv
the highest and holiest instinks uv our fallen nachers. He
cood and did sympathize with the chairman uv the meetin
fully, and agreed with him in everything he had said. He did
not beleeve that needy advencherers from the cold and frozen
North shood come here and possess theirselves uv the soil to
the excloosion uv them native and to the manor born.
Never! never! never! He hed a Southern heart and a
Southern sole, and he wood never consent to be crowded out
by them alien to us. He hed drawd up resolooshens, which he
begged to submit, viz.: —
Resolved, That the native born citizens uv the Confedrit
Cross Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, denounces ez
disturbers, interlopers, and carpet-baggers, wich can't be tolerated,
all those within her borders wich wuz not born there.
Resolved, That when sich a person ez is contemplated in the
above resolution holds an offis or asks for one, his presence is
pertikelerly unsufferable.
Resolved, That we do to-wunst clean out uv the Corners all
sich persons, quietly ef possible, but by force ef needs be.
The resolooshens struck the citizens favorably, and they
wuz about to pass em, Bigler's niggers uv course all votin for
em, when an idee struck me. I saw the strategy uv the detestable
wretch to-wunst. It wuz me he wuz aimin at. I wuz
the mark uv his infernal mashenashens. I remembered, for
the first time in four years, that I wuz not a native uv Kentucky;
that I wuz a Northner, and that I had come to Kentucky
an advencherer! In agony I arose and protested, but
too late! The resolooshens passed yoonanimusly, and Joe
Bigler stood grinnin at me like a feend.
“Now,” sed he, “now that I kin act by authority, now that
I kin wunst more act in accordance with the wishes uv my
fellow-citizens, from whom I hev bin so long unhappily separated,
I perpose to go for a carpet-bagger. Parson, your time
hez come!”
And the wretch made for me vishusly, and hed me by the
throte in less than a second.
Immejitly Bascom, and Pennebacker, McPelter, and the rest
interfered, and dragged the villin away.
“Wat does this mean?” they askt. “Why this assault?”
“Why? Isn't the Parson afore us a carpet-bagger?” askt
Bigler. “Wuz he born at the Corners? Hez he a rite to stan
on the soil uv Kentucky, and say, thank Hevin, I too am a
Kentuckian! Possibly I may hev misunderstood the tenor uv
the resolushens wich I writ, and wich yoo passed. Ef so,
forgive my zeal.”
“But, Josef,” sed Deekin Pogram, “the Parson is not, accordin
to our idee, a carpet-bagger.”
“Too troo,” said Bigler, in reply; “he hed no carpet-bag
when he came.”
“That isn't percisely wat I mean. The Parson is a Constooshnel
Democrat. He agrees with us in sentiment, and —”
“A lite breaks in onto me,” remarkt Bigler. “I see a distinkshen.
We denounce men ez carpet-baggers and interlopers
and sich, not becoz they are carpet baggers and interlopers,
but becoz they don't interlope accordin to yoor noshens. The
Parson isn't objectionable to the Corners, becoz the Parson kin
punish ez much sod corn whiskey ez any uv yoo, and votes
the Demokratic ticket with fearful regularity; Pollock is
objectionable becoz he don't do these things, and happens to
be somewat Ablishen in his tendencies. Thank the Lord, I
now understand wat a carpet-bagger is. Parson, I beg pardon
for my violence, and I move this resolooshn ez a substitute for
the one yoo so inconsiderately passed.
“Resolved, That while the citizens uv the Corners bleeve in
perfect freedom uv thot and speech, and desire it above all
things, they nevertheless view with alarm the comin hither uv
Northerners who are Republikins and won't patronize Bascom,
and we pledge ourselves to bust the heads uv sich.
“Resolved, That we bust the heads only uv disturbin carpet-baggers.
“Resolved, That all Northern Republikins comin here is carpet-baggers,
and all Northern Dimokrats is not.
“This,” sed Josef, “makes the matter plain to the dullest
comprehension. Let em pass.”
I objected, but Bigler, stubborn ez a pair uv mules, insisted,
and ez by this time the church wuz half full uv niggers, which
he insisted shood vote, ez they wuz not only native born Kentuckians,
but many uv em hed the best blood uv Kentucky
runnin in their veins, it wuz passed over our heads, and the
meetin adourned, Bigler and Pollock, folloered by their adherents,
goin off in high glee. That cuss seems to take
a delite in spilin everything that the rest uv us undertake
to do. Ther's many short corners in Dimocrisy that must
be turned skillfully, and it's awkward to hev a man like
him bustin thro em like a bull in a china shop. But he
can't live alluz.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
