University of Virginia Library

90. XC.
A CHANGE OF BASE — KENTUCKY. — A SERMON
WHICH WAS INTERRUPTED BY A SUBJUGATED
AND SUBDUED CONFEDERATE.

Here in the great State uv Kentucky, the last hope uv
Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay
these old bones when Deth, who hez a mortgage onto all uv us,
shall see fit to foreclose. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I
love it for its memories. There stands the Capitol where the
President makes his appintments; there is the Post Offis Department,
where all the Postmasters is appinted. There it wuz
that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respect for Jaxon. I can't say I
loved him, for he never used us rite. He hated the Whigs ez
bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated him to the
Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez fast ez we expected.
Never shel I forgit the compliment he paid me. Jest after his
election I presented myself afore him with my papers, an applicant
for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a
critic's eye.

“Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?” sez I, inquirinly.

“Certinly,” sez he; “I kin and alluz hev. It's sich ez yoo
I use to beat the Whigs with, and I am continually astonished
to see how much work I accomplish with sich dirty tools. My
dear sir,” sed he, pintin to the door, “when I realize how many
sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin be bought
up, I really tremble for the Republic.”

I didn't get the office I wanted.

Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it.
I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that
city and the pavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than
those uv any other city in the United Staits. I hed lived two
months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but
that cood only last a short time, there not bein many uv that

persuasion here to personate. I hed gone the rounds uv the
House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the
Senate. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the
gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank.
“Put it down with the rest uv mine,” sez I, with a impressive
wave uv the hand.

“Yoor name?” sez he.

Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, “Do you know
Charles Sumner?”

Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'erleaped herself.
Hed I sed “Saulsbury,” it mite hev ansered, but to give Sumner's
name for a drink uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich
I can't account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the street.
Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein kicked is cheap, but I
don't want em on them terms; my pride revolted, and so I
emigrated.

I found here a church buildin, uv which the congregation
had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announcin
myself az a constooshnel preacher from Noo Jersey,
succeeded in drawin together a highly respectable awjence last
Sunday.

Takin for a text the passage, “The wages uv sin is death,”
I opened out ez follows:—

“Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen
from yer normal condishn. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick
and a head, wich is in close sympathy with each other, so much
so, indeed, that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the
stumick, and mighty close work it's been for many years, yoo
bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a quart or two
more than his usual allowance, more than his stumick absolootly
demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is
sin, and the ache is the penalty.

“The wages uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez
unseperable ez the shadder is from the man — one is ez shoor
to foller the other ez the assessor is to come around — ez nite
is to foller day. The Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament,
hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas
switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz electid,
and the sceptre departed from Israel. When —”

At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv
the house ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to
say on that subjick which must be sed, and ef I interrupted
him till he got through he'd punch my hed; whereupon I let
him go on.

“Trooly,” sez he, “the wages uv sin is death. I hev alluz
bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv
sin for thirty years, and the assortment uv death it hez received
for wages is trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence
better. Jaxson wuz a honist man, who knew that righteousnis
wuz the nashen's best holt. But he died, and a host uv tuppenny
politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his
old clothes, and undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy
cood hev elected a honest man every fourth or fifth term, they
mite hev ground along for a longer period, but alass! Jaxson
wuz the last uv that style we hed, and so many dishonist cusses
wuz then in the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half
uv them.

“The fust installment uv death we reseeved wuz when Harrison
beat us. The old pollitishens in our party didn't mind it,
for, sez they, `The Treasury woodent hev bin wuth much to
us anyhow after the suckin it has experienced for twelve
years; it needs four years uv rest.' We elected Polk, and
here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent compacts
made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blood. We made
a contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blood wich
wuz shed in Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and
britches, to the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever
since prove the trooth uv the text, `The wages uv sin is death'?
O, my friends! in wat heavy instalments, and how regularly,
hev these wages bin paid us.

“Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write
kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately
died too soon, and skores uv others followed soot. Things
went on until Pierce wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton),
whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a
scatterin ensood.

“Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but
shoorly the work uv death went on. Bookannon wuz elected,

but wuz uv no yoose to us. After Peerse hed run the machine
four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin
follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxson hed
got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold
ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. `The wages
uv sin is death,' and we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He
instigated South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic
States to foller; he forced the Northern Democrisy to
support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson,
and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun
by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the
Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Jersey alone, and last fall,
my brethren, she sot in gloom.

“O, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where
are we? We went to war for slavery, and slavery is dead.
We fit for a confederacy, and the confederacy is dead. We fit
for States Rites, and States Rites is dead. And Democracy
tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to
death.

“Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky?
We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv
em cum back, ceptin the skulkers, who comprised all uv that
class wich we wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid
to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em. We
held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us
with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil
promised us in pollitics hez resulted in evil. My niggers is
gone, my plantashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez
they cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait; my
house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show for my property
is Confedrit money, which is a very dead article uv death.
I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a
goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage,
and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on
the preach. I'm done.”

Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I coodn't go on. I
dismist the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em
together when sich prejudiced men aint present.