81. LXXXI.
MEETS A PARDONED REBEL, WHO ENLIGHTENS
HIM.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 21st, 1865.
Ginral Boanerges Mosher, uv Mississippy, who demonstrated
his devoshun to the grate principles uv constooshnel
liberty, by servin the Confedrisy as a commissary, wrote me to
meet him in Washinton. He hed jest reseeved his pardon,
and the fust use he made uv his privileges, wuz to cum to
Washinton to meet me for consultashen on the hopes and
prospects uv the Dimokrasy.
Ginral Mosher is a fine specimen uv the ginooine chivelrus
Sutherner. Six feet two inches in hite, he kin chaw more
terbacker, spit with greater accooracy, and walk uprite under
a bigger load uv strate whisky than any man I ever met. A
unsofistikatid child uv nacher, he scorns the polish and sham
uv wat is called civilization. Never shel I forgit the liteninglanse
uv contempt he darted at me, when I askt him to
qualify his whisky with a little water!
Ginral Mosher opened by lamentin the untimely decease uv
so many Suthern voters, in the late diabolical war Linkin and
his hellions made upon em.
I replied, to-wunst, that that deficit cood be easily made up.
“I hev,” sez I, “bin a considerin this matter. At a triflin
expenditoor uv money the tide uv emigrashen from Europe
kin be turnd Southward, and the places uv yoor slawterd heroes
be filled with the Irishman, the German, the —”
“Liar! theef! murderer! nigger-steeler!” shoutid the Ginral,
seezin me by the throat, and brandishin his cane over me.
Fallin on my knees (formin a tablo, the “Union ez it wuz),”
I gaspt:
“Why this violence?”
“O, nothin,” replied the Ginral, relaxin his holt; “I shel be
elected to Congris, and ez I shel hev to mix with yoo Yankees,
I wuz a practisin the old tactics, jist to git my hand in agin.
Wuz yoo afeerd? Bless yoor sole, we woodent kill a Northern
Dimekrat for no money — we need em. “But,” continued he,
“this emigrashen skeem uv yoors won't work. Yer Irishman
and yer German wood work, but they'd want wages!”
“Wal!” sez I, astoundid, not seein wat he wuz drivin at.
“Can't yoo see,” sez he. “They'd earn money, they'd save
it. Our habits is expensive, and now that nigger-breedin is
done away with, we can't sell a half dozen niggers per annum,
to keep up our expenses. Alas! (tears suffused his beamin
eyes, ez he spoke), the last nigger I sold wuz ez white ez yoo
are; my son Tom wuz her father, and I got $2500 for her in
Mobeel, when she wuz sixteen. I sold her to the President uv
the Suthern Society for the convershun uv the heathen. I
knockt a hundred off the price uv the gal, on that account.
But to resoom. The furriner works, and saves suthin. We
won't work, can't sell no more niggers, and git hard up, and
hev to sell land to furriners. Then, he's OUR EKAL! and
wat becomes uv the anshent chivelry?”
“But,” sez I, “yoo hed the poor whites among yoo afore the
war. What wuss wood a furriner be?”
“Them poor whites wuz a peculiar class; we kep em coz we
hed to hev em to vote. We allowd em to squat on our lands,
never let em learn to read, and kep ther skins full uv cheap
whisky. When wun uv em got to know too much, we either
killed him or sent him North, keepin among us jest sich ez we
wantid. With our poor whites doin our votin at home, yoo
Dimekrats doin it up North, and the niggers doin our labor,
trooly we wuz a favord peeple.”
“But who are yoo goin to git to do yoor labor?”
“The nigger.”
“But yoo'll hev to pay him wages!”
“Not much. The Northern Legislachers are a passin laws
agin their comin there, so they can't git away from us, and jest
ez soon ez the thrice-accursed hirelin soljers are withdrawd,
our laws is in force, and then wat good is a nigger's contract
to him? Methinks the cuss uv Canan is still onto him, Linkin
to the contrary notwithstandin. I shel be kind to mine — I
shel pay the able-bodied field-hands $4 per month, mechanics
say $6. Uv coarse, ef furriners kin compete with em, and
work for less, we'll take em, pervided they'll be ez umble.
The nigger wuz made to be a slave. God cust Canan, and
sed he shood be a servant forever. Did he mean us to pay
him wages? Not any; for ef he had, he wood hev ordered
our tastes and habits so ez we shood hev hed the wherewithal
to do it.
“Nasby,” sed he, a pausin to drain the bottle, and rollin his
eyes upwards, “I am the child uv pious parents, and never, no,
never, will I depart from their faith. God cust the nigger, and
I will do my part, manfully, toward carryin out His will.
Watever betides us, the sons uv Ham must be the servants uv
the sons uv Japheth, and their daughters likewise, that the
Skripter shel be fulfilled.”
I parted with that great and good man, my mind full uv the
nearly white gals he owned, and determined, ere long, to be
assistin uv him in fulfillin that part uv the Skripter.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
